Why am I still here?

[Miserable]

I isolated myself for more than a year. I spent 50 days in jail waiting for a trial over tweets. Since then I've been in an almost manic state. Drinking, being a bit creepy at times with women (not purposefully but I realize I've come off this way), been to a sort of brothel (not quite but almost) a few times. I feel exhausted and ashamed.

I hate feeling like this and I'm so tired. Most days are like this and if they aren't, if I have any joy, it's based on delusional fantasies. I pretend someone is coming to save me, that I won't be alone, that I'm just being pessimistic when I think I'm ugly and unlovable; that it's the "diesease" talking. But whenever I put myself out there, my fantasy bubble gets burst and I come back to the sad reality.

I'm clearly not worthy and am not wanted. I feel so embarrassed and so ashamed. In part, I want to die as a sort of redemption; to die for my 'sins'.

I want to scream, "why won't anyone help me? why does no one care?" I'm just a man child who deserves to die and is too selfish to do it. I have no doubt that everyone would be happier if I were dead. Aside from my immediate family, but I KNOW they would be better off.

I'm having weird thoughts too, the world is scary to me. I feel like I'm part of some underclass. Being a man, being some working stiff (though im on sick leave). I'm not even sure love is possible. It all seems cruel.

I wish I could just convince myself to die. I'm so sorry I'm still here

 

[wendydong1]

Why were you in jail for tweets? Did you threaten anyone?

 

[Miserable]

Why were you in jail for tweets? Did you threaten anyone?

no it was breach of condition. They said it was indirect contact. I was psychologically and sexually harassed at work (my labor board agreed) and then I was charged with harassment for 3 emails and 4 texts, which lead to conditions. I breached them twice. All the original charges were dropped
it doesn't matter anymore, my heart is broken, the world hates me and I'm alone

 

[Notf1xable]

I isolated myself for more than a year. I spent 50 days in jail waiting for a trial over tweets. Since then I've been in an almost manic state. Drinking, being a bit creepy at times with women (not purposefully but I realize I've come off this way), been to a sort of brothel (not quite but almost) a few times. I feel exhausted and ashamed.

I hate feeling like this and I'm so tired. Most days are like this and if they aren't, if I have any joy, it's based on delusional fantasies. I pretend someone is coming to save me, that I won't be alone, that I'm just being pessimistic when I think I'm ugly and unlovable; that it's the "diesease" talking. But whenever I put myself out there, my fantasy bubble gets burst and I come back to the sad reality.

I'm clearly not worthy and am not wanted. I feel so embarrassed and so ashamed. In part, I want to die as a sort of redemption; to die for my 'sins'.

I want to scream, "why won't anyone help me? why does no one care?" I'm just a man child who deserves to die and is too selfish to do it. I have no doubt that everyone would be happier if I were dead. Aside from my immediate family, but I KNOW they would be better off.

I'm having weird thoughts too, the world is scary to me. I feel like I'm part of some underclass. Being a man, being some working stiff (though im on sick leave). I'm not even sure love is possible. It all seems cruel.

I wish I could just convince myself to die. I'm so sorry I'm still here

All of that sounds traumatic, I'm sorry you've been through so much. I know it feels like one pain stacks with another until they fall apart like dominos. I haven't been a member long, but from my little bit of experience you have found a non judgmental community that will let you vent. I wish I had found this site awhile ago.