Venting Why am I still here?

[Baron]

I want to die. Right now as bad as ever, but I still don't do it. I still continue living my life, drenched in despair and confusion. Day by day I feel like it's been getting worse. Will it ever come to me killing myself? I want it so bad, I want out. Then why do I doubt it? Why do I think of a future where I am still alive? All I do is think. All I do is wishing I was dead, imagining how I would die. I feel so weak, so useless. The fact that I still haven't killed myself, even though I want to remains. It remains until the day I die. It's like there's this voice in my head, telling me that I have to kill myself as fast as possible and then there is this voice telling me that nothing matters. Everything is meaningless and me living another day won't change jack shit. I think that my death should be the thing I most desire, yet it obviously is not, since I am not dead. Ahh my head hurts so bad from all this thinking. The only thing I should be doing is killing myself, I shouldn't be on this forum writing a post. All I do is stall my death. All these thoughts are fucking with my head. But I'm not gonna do anything. I'm just gonna go to sleep after I finish writing this and wake up the next morning, and the the day after that as well. What do I even hope to gain by posting this? Do I desire compassion? Why do I feel at ease when I see, that someone replied to my post? Why can't I have enough resolve to kill myself? I'm just asking myself why all the time it's tiring. Good night

 

[lucynpt]

I hope that you'll fell a little better after writing everything down. I know that stuck feeling and want to be liberated, It must be hurt so much.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you would feel so tired of existing, I get that it's so dreadful feeling trapped here.

 

[icantSleep]

I want to die. Right now as bad as ever, but I still don't do it. I still continue living my life, drenched in despair and confusion. Day by day I feel like it's been getting worse. Will it ever come to me killing myself? I want it so bad, I want out. Then why do I doubt it? Why do I think of a future where I am still alive? All I do is think. All I do is wishing I was dead, imagining how I would die. I feel so weak, so useless. The fact that I still haven't killed myself, even though I want to remains. It remains until the day I die. It's like there's this voice in my head, telling me that I have to kill myself as fast as possible and then there is this voice telling me that nothing matters. Everything is meaningless and me living another day won't change jack shit. I think that my death should be the thing I most desire, yet it obviously is not, since I am not dead. Ahh my head hurts so bad from all this thinking. The only thing I should be doing is killing myself, I shouldn't be on this forum writing a post. All I do is stall my death. All these thoughts are fucking with my head. But I'm not gonna do anything. I'm just gonna go to sleep after I finish writing this and wake up the next morning, and the the day after that as well. What do I even hope to gain by posting this? Do I desire compassion? Why do I feel at ease when I see, that someone replied to my post? Why can't I have enough resolve to kill myself? I'm just asking myself why all the time it's tiring. Good night

i am so sorry for you i hope you'll be at least free if you cant be ok when you exist more time means more suffuring and that's make me even more depressed hug

 

[John117]

I relate to you in so many ways. It's dreadful being here and it's horrible how much I think.

 

[Crono]

I feel the same, I should have been dead a long time ago. I've already lost all hope I had in life, all that's left for me is death