Help Why am I so indifferent to my loneliness?

[CuckoosInvisible]

Hello.

I am in my early 20s, currently studying. I haven't had any friends or acquaintances in the past ~7 years-- obviously I've never been in a romantic relationship either. I'm figuring this is some form of long-term isolation, right? If it is, I don't think it's that crazy to assume that I'm probably incredibly lonely.
For some reason, however, my interest in finding human connection is relatively minimal? My way of life isn't sustainable, obviously, and it's something I need to change. But I question how much finding connection would really improve my psychological state of affairs. Since I've been disconnected from others for so long, every social interaction I do have feels like I'm LARPing like a normal person. LARPing isn't impossible to do; it's actually quite easy, just smile and nod and say some random bullshit every now and again. But the strain of this faux-interaction is noticeable. People don't interest me much, and the mere idea of going on a social outing is tiring.

Is this common for someone in a situation like mine? Are you supposed to push through until you start caring about people again?

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

I would make a distinction between solitude and loneliness. You're "lonely" if you desire companionship but can't have it for some reason, it's a state of having unmet social needs. Solitude, on the other hand, is simply the state of being on your own. From your description, it seems like you lean more towards being a solitary person, not a lonely one.

Would you say this makes sense? Do you feel any need to change the situation for more than purely utilitarian reasons (e.g., some social connections might improve your life in some way you deem desirable, like finding a job in the future)?

 

[CuckoosInvisible]

I would make a distinction between solitude and loneliness. You're "lonely" if you desire companionship but can't have it for some reason, it's a state of having unmet social needs. Solitude, on the other hand, is simply the state of being on your own. From your description, it seems like you lean more towards being a solitary person, not a lonely one.

Would you say this makes sense? Do you feel any need to change the situation for more than purely utilitarian reasons (e.g., some social connections might improve your life in some way you deem desirable, like finding a job in the future)?

It's hard to tell because it's been this way, or similar to this way, for a very, very long time. My entire life, basically. As a kid I had friends/acquaintances, but I know for a fact that I was lonely and miserable as even back then I was mostly isolated.

So there's the issue of figuring out whether this is some form of cope through emotional numbness or a genuine low desire for human interaction.

All I can say with certainty is:
- I want to have sex with someone
- At the same time, I would be alright with being utterly alone in some cabin in the woods for another prolonged amount of time. Sometimes I have fantasies where, for a month or two, I'm the only person on Earth. Something like that would heal me, I think.

 

[vitbar]

My situation wasn't exactly the same. Still I didn't care all that much that I was alone. Eventually I became depressed from loneliness. At the moment the depression is medicated, I've had some therapy, made some friends, and aging has made me more self reliant. I get lonely sometimes, but struggle to maintain the few friendships I have. Back to not caring that much about being alone.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

So there's the issue of figuring out whether this is some form of cope through emotional numbness or a genuine low desire for human interaction.

Yeah, this is a good point. It might even be the case that it's a bit of both. For example, I started therapy a few years ago under the impression that I just didn't care much about anything or anyone, which ended up being a way to cope; having worked through that, I am still very much a "loner", have a very low need for human interaction, and my "social battery" gets drained pretty quickly. But it's now something I manage in a mostly healthy way, and I'm quite content with how things are.

I don't think there's a "right" way to go about socialising, in this sense. No right or wrong amount of social connection. It depends entirely on the individual, what they want, and what they need. But I do think it's important to figure out what is a real need vs what is a defence mechanism or rationalisation.