Venting Why am i like this?

[hopelessness009]

Im so fucking tired of being alive. My life is miserable. I only work, eat and sleep. I was seeing a guy for 10 months. 2 months ago he ended it with me over text. He wouldnt hsve given any explanations if i hadnt asked. He met someone else, from his country. He chose her over me cus shes the same nationality and speaks same language. We did have a bit of an language barrier but he said it didnt matter. He was never clear with me either. He met me outside work to talk about it wouldnt even invite to his house. I felt so hurt. And i started to think of all the same he treated me badly. I always overlook red flags when i like someone.

I realised he had also raped me once. Last year. We were in a hotel room and i had drunk too much alchol and was sick. I needed to sleep it off so i went to bed. I remeber waking up to him having sex with me. I didnt do anything cus i was so weak i barelt even remember. Yet why am i still so attached to him? Why am i so messed up. I only had him but now he's gone. He left me. And he doesnt even care. I never mattered to him. I was just someone he could easily fuck. Thats all what i was good for and it hurts. And i have to see him at work. Its awful. But its alright. Im gonna end this soon anyways. He wouldnt even care if i died. He can move on so easily cus he didnt care yet here i am crying about it. He pretends like nothing happened.

 

[アホペンギン]

Sorry he left you like that for someone else without an explaination. You aren't messed up for still being attached to him despite the bad things he did to you, it seems to me that its a form of stockholm syndrome. It's unfortunate how your life is so unnecessarily miserable and uneventful considering how you described it. Hopefully you manage to recover from this and find relief from everything, however you feel fits you the best. Best wishes.

 

[jessisme]

Im so fucking tired of being alive. My life is miserable. I only work, eat and sleep. I was seeing a guy for 10 months. 2 months ago he ended it with me over text. He wouldnt hsve given any explanations if i hadnt asked. He met someone else, from his country. He chose her over me cus shes the same nationality and speaks same language. We did have a bit of an language barrier but he said it didnt matter. He was never clear with me either. He met me outside work to talk about it wouldnt even invite to his house. I felt so hurt. And i started to think of all the same he treated me badly. I always overlook red flags when i like someone.

I realised he had also raped me once. Last year. We were in a hotel room and i had drunk too much alchol and was sick. I needed to sleep it off so i went to bed. I remeber waking up to him having sex with me. I didnt do anything cus i was so weak i barelt even remember. Yet why am i still so attached to him? Why am i so messed up. I only had him but now he's gone. He left me. And he doesnt even care. I never mattered to him. I was just someone he could easily fuck. Thats all what i was good for and it hurts. And i have to see him at work. Its awful. But its alright. Im gonna end this soon anyways. He wouldnt even care if i died. He can move on so easily cus he didnt care yet here i am crying about it. He pretends like nothing happened.

I'm so sorry this happened, people can be so selfish and cruel in relationships only thinking of themselves. You seem like a really good person and didn't deserve to be taken advantage of. You deserve more than to be with a person like that. It sounds like you do the right thing and have integrity in relationships unlike this guy. It's good that you are no longer together. You can do far, far better than this. xo, j

 

[Orbitc]

Men always value women as nothing more than a used condom that they easily throw away. I have been working as an escort since I was 15 years old and every day I see men cheating on their wives. Don't be upset about this man - he doesn't deserve your tears.

 

[hopelessness009]

Thanks. It feels weird being so attached to him. Especiallt after realising he raped me. Lied about his age. Sometimes he'd ignore my texts for days too. He'd make me feel bad about knowing what he wanted with me too. Im always the one left behind. I dont have anyone irl i can rely on either.

 

[NeedPeace83]

Sorry that happened to you, all my relationships ended in disaster. Some ppl like myself have no luck with that.

 

[hopelessness009]

Sorry that happened to you, all my relationships ended in disaster. Some ppl like myself have no luck with that.

Thats how i feel tbh. I dont think i'll ever find someone. Im also so insecure and clearly have attachment issues and i dont wanna get hurt again

 

[jessisme]

Thanks. It feels weird being so attached to him. Especiallt after realising he raped me. Lied about his age. Sometimes he'd ignore my texts for days too. He'd make me feel bad about knowing what he wanted with me too. Im always the one left behind. I dont have anyone irl i can rely on either.

It's so terrible that he raped you and treated you so poorly. When we are attracted to people and share intimacy with them we form a bond with them emotionally that is sometimes difficult to break even when they turn out to be poor partners and we know better. It's not unusual that you still feel bonded to your abuser and feel alone without him as he was a significant part of your life. Try your best to take your mind off of this. Your romantic partner turned out to be an abuser. That is not your fault. It's also not your fault that you still feel bonded to him. This will diminish over time. It sucks that you have to see him at work still but you can be strong and move past this. It will just take some time. You are a better person than all of this. xo, j

 

[hopelessness009]

It's so terrible that he raped you and treated you so poorly. When we are attracted to people and share intimacy with them we form a bond with them emotionally that is sometimes difficult to break even when they turn out to be poor partners and we know better. It's not unusual that you still feel bonded to your abuser and feel alone without him as he was a significant part of your life. Try your best to take your mind off of this. Your romantic partner turned out to be an abuser. That is not your fault. It's also not your fault that you still feel bonded to him. This will diminish over time. It sucks that you have to see him at work still but you can be strong and move past this. It will just take some time. You are a better person than all of this. xo, j

He was my first. And i think that also kinda makes it worse. I wish i could just turn off my emotions. Wish it was all easier. I had been crushing on him for months before. I think it would be easier if i couldnt see him. Everytime i see him its a reminder of everything that happen. It makes me feel so small and weak especially cus he is so unaffected by it all.

 

[jessisme]

I'm so sorry that this was your first experience in intimacy with someone. Shared intimacy with another person can be a very trusting and beautiful thing when both people have integrity and treat the other with love and kindness. He violated your trust and treated you unkindly. It's so awful that you have to see him every day as a constant reminder of the painful experience you had with him. Try to see him as the poor partner that he was and remind yourself that it is a relief that you are no longer with him. You got lucky by being able to get away from his abuses. You can hold onto your own integrity and share it with a better person in the future. He didn't deserve you. You will pull through. xo, j