Why am I alive ?

[Coffeandamug]

I have been asking myself that question for years. I have been miserable since I was 13. I was never able to enjoy life like everyone else seems to be doing. It feels like there is a weight pulling my whole being down. I seem to work at 0.5 speed. Nothing excites me and a lot of things bring me an overwhelming sense of anxiety. It is all very agonizing, daily. Despite of that I can't seem to bring myself to end this cycle of misery. And I really don't get why. It's not for others and it's not for something in specific. Maybe I am just too lazy to die ? Maybe. But this is a mistery that intrigues me. What about you ?

 

[Celerity]

I used to think it was for family and maybe to some degree it still is, but when I confessed to them that I was contemplating suicide, nothing changed about my reluctance to CTB. Turns out that it was primarily fear keeping me back this whole time. I didn't seek to spare them. That was just an excuse. The older I get, the more simple my motives for and against suicide become. It is not longer about self-hatred much, just ending the pain, and I feel it is my right as an adult with no dependents to choose an early exit if I must.

 

[DeadHead]

Same reason as the rest of us. We were tricked into coming back into this realm. This time, avoid the tunnel of light so as not to come back. That's my plan. The Gnostics knew this, which is why the church of Rome slaughtered them.

 

[Morte]

because of instinct, nothing more than that

 

[FuneralCry]

I do understand that it's dreadful feeling so trapped in this existence, I wish there's the option to just fall asleep eternally, I hate how suicide is purposely made so inaccessible.

 

[Unhumanly.]

Because no matter what life will make some way to pull back and make escaping isn't that easy

 

[Coffeandamug]

I do understand that it's dreadful feeling so trapped in this existence, I wish there's the option to just fall asleep eternally, I hate how suicide is purposely made so inaccessible.

If it was more accessible, like a peaceful chemichally watched nenbutal death I probably would have gone already. Or at least I would feel more at ease knwoing It will always be an option. It's really unfortunate that the usual cbting is too complicated, too painful and messy.

Same reason as the rest of us. We were tricked into coming back into this realm. This time, avoid the tunnel of light so as not to come back. That's my plan. The Gnostics knew this, which is why the church of Rome slaughtered them.

Could I know more of what you are saying here ?