Who’s pain is more important?

[Grandexit]

I have only one real family member in this world, my mother. Through her choices we moved to the opposite end of the Earth, and never really flourished where we are now. We're somewhat financially comfortable, but that's all. Where we came from is pure shit, so there's no going back.

I made bad choices and had such a fucked attachment style that I never developed any close relationships with anyone. No spouse, no kids, no caring friends.

I spoke to my mother on the phone, she's buying a new place and that's almost pushed her to the breaking point emotionally. She's not been sleeping, her health went wonky.... over a difficult escrow. As she's describing it to me, I'm astonished at how little I care.

If something like a difficult escrow is enough to make her world fall apart, getting a call that her only child has been found blue and cold will
surely be her demise. I have told her that I want to end it. I hate everyday I wake up. Every day I shamble forward is killing me too. I just want it to end. I've done the therapy, I've done the pills. Even if they worked (nothing did, huge shocker), there's an entire wasted life that I'm not going to be able to fix.

tldr; Who's suffering is more important? Do I owe it to myself to find peace, or do I owe it to my mother to keep grinding through to save her the pain? It's always been my plan to ctb after her passing. I could be looking at anywhere from five to 15 years waiting for my turn to exit. And I am so, so fucking done with life.

 

[ElMow]

What a tough spot to be in. Only you can decide of course but I wish you clarity and peace.

 

[Chalken]

I'm in a similar position, though I have more family members. I'd say that your parents chose to have you, probably not realizing what giving birth would mean, with the possibility of you ending up where you are right now. Maybe they were aware, but they chose to have you anyway. Nonetheless, I think you don't owe it to anyone. We didn't have the choice of being born, so we should at least have the choice of ending it.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

It doesn't sound bad at all that you didn't care about her reactions to the escrow. You weren't carrying her load.

Her load is hers. Your load is heavy enough without carrying hers, too. Perhaps letting her carry her own loads will lead to freedom to use your own inner resources to live your own life or, if you then still choose it, to die your own death.

 

[faust]

Piece is what you really to need to 'obtain'. No matter how, no matter where, no matter where it may lead you. But I don't think you have to struggle the rest of you life. There are might be lots of words that life is beautiful, it may turn out to be better than we imagine. But in fact it might be cruel to people like you and me. Believe me, you are not alone in this world

 

[Alessa]

I guess you are not the only one with such a problem. Just like you, I kept on living for my mother after all hope I had had been gone. She will suffer so badly, might even die of pain, I know that. But... as others said, it's our own life. We are the ones who should decide about it unless there are no children we have to tace care for. My opinion...
Well, we could tell our mothers that we will do it. I've been thinking about this option for a few days now... But if we do so, will our mothers call the
psychiatrists to get us locked away? (sorry for my bad english)
A high risk...

 

[TAW122]

I would say it's you that's more important because you are the one who is experiencing and living with your pain, no one else. Therefore, you do owe it to yourself to find peace in whatever you do. If you do choose to CTB, my suggestion would be to try to find some way to make it a little bit easier for your mother considering you care a lot about her. This is where a comforting note and also some arrangements and what not can help, because no matter what, death is almost always difficult for a lot of people to bear. Finally, keep in mind that if you wait too long, it's possible that you may lose your chance and/or other life circumstances could cause other problems (or make things even more unbearable for you).

 

[SettOne1994]

From what i concluded from some years of philosophy about human nature chakras etc. Its someonen who has suffers the loose of a close one, The one who suffers his vital pride being threatened , One who suffers his sexual appeal being crushed and one who suffers but doesnt even know it.....The last one is lets say the devil his rich and has all the woman and what not but has lost time ago his ability to love others or be loved or enjoy happiness but his making it through like a blind man. So its a heartache a pride demoralization a lack of sex appeal and living as a machine with no emotions... Each of them will say their problems is the one that hurts the most..... Atm i consider suicidal people are in hell with lost affection for one self , maybe someone loosing his loved kid wife family for a lifetime left to live alone also is considered very hard ,pride is also a vital force which if ones looses he feels degenerated and not worth to do anything and living as the devil eating without taste smoking without smell fucking without sense etc etc and having noone who really cares about you must be a torture. And i think maybe maybe a part of them already knows what they are missing and thats why these kind of people tend to be overdramatic angry etc.....God has only heartaches but never suicidal thoughts Devil aswell never wants suicide and nothing seems to bother him but deeply unsatisfied and since we are on this forum us the middle ground are always being pulled on mentally on these 2 sides to become gods of our own trouble free. Truth is only 1 side is the answer but both can make your mind trouble free for some time. In this life. I think on the other life troubles dont exist atleast in this sense or maybe not at all. So you can either become devil in this life , or suicide to enjoy there , or wake up to the truth that evil is not powerful only dangerous ....By not having a fear you can progress to understanding even more that this enemy of yours has the same wishes as you but his a machine right now trying to survive on this difficult planet earth just like you , you progress to compassion ( love your enemy). So imagine you not just eliminate fear of existence you find a meaning in it to every encounter of yours be gentle but also take precautions... Danger is real and if you sleep or dont keep your head high you might be struck by behind and find yourself dead or even worse by one of them......To sum it up i was reminded of the movie the Good the Bad the Ugly...... So you can philosophize your question around that. Who hurts most your family? The devil? (about his existence not your situation) Or people like you and me who wish to drive themselfs out of this 2 sided war ? Id say i hurt most then family then the devil but this is just because its my problem and ive been in some mental struggle

 

[Backwood_tilt]

Who's suffering is more important? Do I owe it to myself to find peace, or do I owe it to my mother to keep grinding through to save her the pain?

IMO, you owe it to yourself, and nobody else. Nobody else has to live your life and endure your pain. Why would they have a say in what goes on in your ilfe?

 

[ScornedStoic]

Personal opinion, but you don't owe family staying alive in the face of pain, even though naturally and understandably the idea of them suffering after the act is upsetting.

 

[foreveryoung]

The way I see it nobody is perfect. I know that my parents made many mistakes, but so did I, I try my best to not make the same mistakes as my parents did but made mistakes in other parts of life my parents would have never encountered. We all live in different circumstances so we can't easily judge others for what they have done. It was probably the same for my parents, why they made so many bad decisions. I know that my mother and father both had abusive parents which lead them to make drastic decisions that caused more harm to others including myself. In the end though we all suffer, life is suffering as the buddha said, the only salvation is the after life unless you're a saint and can endure the pain.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I feel like I could have written this. My mom is a huge strain on my life and our phone calls always become all about her. I have no problems that she does not share or have a worse example. But if you were to ask her, we are the closest of friends, a true team.

I admire your trying to wait. I think it is admirable but I also think it's not sustainable over the long haul. You are not responsible for her pain or difficulties.

I'd keep trying but make yourself #1 on your personal list. When your darkness seems too much, you'll know.

I'd also second the idea of trying to make it easier for her when the time comes. A letter might really help. In fact, you could keep one written just in case the time comes and update it as needed. That might help you work out your feelings about your mom, too.

 

[voyager]

I think from a rational/nihilistic standpoint your pain prevails, but from an ethical standpoint it might be quite different.

Rational because you are in pain, your mother is not, thus if she could understand your pain she would bless your ctb and carry on with her life. All would be fine.

Nihilistic for obvious reasons, but then again murdering your mother is just as good to keep her from suffering, right?? Dangerous road, and yet mhi will ultimately strengthen this idea. The meaninglessness I mean, not murdering her ofc.

Ethical is more even. Your pain still counts, but so does hers. Whose state of mind is more important ultimately depends on what type of person and mother she is. What sacrifices has she made for you? Do you maybe owe her in a way? What was her life like and what will it be when you go through with it? How dependent is she on you? Is it justified? Do you love her? Does she deserve that? These are probably the most important ones.

You didn't say what your suffering was pertaining, but I assume we're talking the usual aka mhi, anhedonia, numbness etc. There are different stages and illnesses in the mhi spectrum of course, so it's probably hard to make a broad assumption how bearable your suffering is compared to hers, and lastly it's something only you can judge anyhow.

I don't have an answer, because I'm stuck in the same situation, but ultimately mhi strenghtens the first two and weakens the latter due to numbness. But if one has had a good parent, even a misunderstanding one in this regard, it's probably never the right choice to do it to them. Personally I'm putting my focus on the rational side of things. Make my mum understand and prepare her for the worst. I'm not getting anywhere though.

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

To make this choice for ourselves we need to just think of what's best for us. If we stuck around for someone else, is it worth the pain? It's difficult to say.

 

[AlreadyGone]

To make this choice for ourselves we need to just think of what's best for us. If we stuck around for someone else, is it worth the pain? It's difficult to say.

I agree with this. At some point, you will need to decide if it is best to endure the pain for others, or do what is best for yourself. Only you can make that decision.

 

[saintives]

i am simple with my thoughts but imo being suicidal, wanting to end it is NOT selfish to your mom if thats kinda what youre asking...if you tried to hang on and do what u could and u did meds n therapy, then u tried!

If it is too unbearable, leave a note behind and explain it was your choice, that ur suffering outweighed wanting to live, and that u DID try its not like u did nothing...but a detailed note or something would go far in explaining u didnt try to purposely hurt her, but that you were in pain. also if ur not fully ready to die, dont. see if u can try diff meds, diff therapist if u so desire. in the end u have to weigh your suffering vs. everything else. other ppl sre important, but they also cant seem to understand your suffering, either..