Who's like me? *Having The Perfect Life*

[Nati]

Who's like me?

• Have every physical thing you need to live a very comfortable life.. and more.
• Have the ability and money to do anything you might want to do (go to any school, travel, hobbies, good jobs, etc..)
• Have a family that loves you and supports you.
• A perfect life.

But with all of that you miss stuff that are kinda important.

• The ability to be satisfied.
• The ability to care.
• The ability to love.

You're basically a plant. You have everything, you want to do everything (and you can) and you want to feel. But everything you do doesn't satisfy you. You get all the bad without any of the good. You want to enjoy the view but a second later you just stare at it and feel nothing.
You want to die not because you had a shitty life or you have depression or feel bad about yourself. You want to die simply because you understand there is nothing this world can offer that will make you feel anything.

Just wondering... Surely I'm not the only one.. Right? :)
BTW.. I'm 20.

 

[Deleted member 14573]

I sort of relate.

I'm young and studying something I really enjoy with good career prospects.

I'm healthy, fit and attractive. I'm getting support for my mental health issues and my part time job is well-paying and fulfilling.

Financially I'm not in the best position but once I graduate I'll be very comfortable.

And yet I've been suicidal since I was 9/10 and since then I have always had this really bad feeling in my chest. I feel like my heart always hurts and I don't know why. I'm exhausted. Some days I feel completely numb and other days I feel the entire spectrum of emotions at once.

The only thing that gives me a sense of peace is the thought of death.

 

[Donk]

Externally I live a comfortable life but internally I'm a wreck. I think others would understand me better if my problems were easier to empathize ie poverty, abuse, lost of loved one, chronic pain etc. Sometimes I don't think people take my mental illness seriously. Like I don't have legitimate reasons to be suffering mentally and emotionally.

 

[TowerUpright]

I fit a lot of that. On paper, I have it pretty good. Close to a 6 figure salary (goes much better down here than back at home), a marriage of close to 15 years, two kids, active in the church, stability.

I don't enjoy anything. I married because I get some attention. Ive been suicidal for decades. I never should have even dated anyone because I feel trapped by them (but I don't want to be alone... How is this even possible?)

At least she doesn't hit me. That's something.

I wish I could have a 10 minute conversation with my 15 year old self to avoid relationships because of what they do to me. Probably tell myself about SN as well. But I haven't invented a time machine yet.

I hear about the horrors that some people experienced on SS, and I feel downright selfish for wasting forum space. So many people have much worse than me. And my heart goes out to each of your stories: it really does, more than you might believe.

Yep, I am with you.

 

[Tired_Tired]

I don't know, but you can donate everything you have, burned your all IDs ,far away all your family and friends . Be a monk, priest or traveling around the world without nothing. When you don't have these wonderful life. Let's us know if you still feel the same.

 

[Nati]

I sort of relate.

I'm young and studying something I really enjoy with good career prospects.

I'm healthy, fit and attractive. I'm getting support for my mental health issues and my part time job is well-paying and fulfilling.

Financially I'm not in the best position but once I graduate I'll be very comfortable.

And yet I've been suicidal since I was 9/10 and since then I have always had this really bad feeling in my chest. I feel like my heart always hurts and I don't know why. I'm exhausted. Some days I feel completely numb and other days I feel the entire spectrum of emotions at once.

The only thing that gives me a sense of peace is the thought of death.

But you work and enjoying it and you wish and plan for a better future. That's good, no? Could it be that since you had these thoughts and feelings for so long you might gotten used to it and even though you're doing good at studying and want a career these thoughts kinda get stuck to you. Hope you'll manage to rip them apart

Externally I live a comfortable life but internally I'm a wreck. I think others would understand me better if my problems were easier to empathize ie poverty, abuse, lost of loved one, chronic pain etc. Sometimes I don't think people take my mental illness seriously. Like I don't have legitimate reasons to be suffering mentally and emotionally.

I feel you. I used to wish I was born with no hands or with some physical illness so I'll have excuse for my feelings. Sometimes I stop myself from smiling and like I need to act depressed. Nobody in my family except my mom knows really how I am. They probably think I'm just a lazy.

I don't know, but you can donate everything you have, burned your all IDs ,far away all your family and friends . Be a monk, priest or traveling around the world without nothing. When you don't have these wonderful life. Let's us know if you still feel the same.

I'll suicide by a shitty method before I'll do this. The only reason I'm alive today is I live comfortably and have not much to hurt me. I prefer dying peacefully in my comfy bed from whatever best method there is.

 

[Deleted member 14573]

But you work and enjoying it and you wish and plan for a better future. That's good, no? Could it be that since you had these thoughts and feelings for so long you might gotten used to it and even though you're doing good at studying and want a career these thoughts kinda get stuck to you. Hope you'll manage to rip them apart

Some life circumstances brought me to SS, but I've sort of learned to live with it. I'm stuck between wanting to die and trying to recover. I couldn't drink my SN even though I had the cup to my mouth. Therapy is keeping me from sinking deep into my suicidal ideation so I'm trying to hold on to hope now.

I agree that I've become too used to thoughts of suicide. It's something I need to work on.

 

[Tired_Tired]

I fit a lot of that. On paper, I have it pretty good. Close to a 6 figure salary (goes much better down here than back at home), a marriage of close to 15 years, two kids, active in the church, stability.

I don't enjoy anything. I married because I get some attention. Ive been suicidal for decades. I never should have even dated anyone because I feel trapped by them (but I don't want to be alone... How is this even possible?)

At least she doesn't hit me. That's something.

I wish I could have a 10 minute conversation with my 15 year old self to avoid relationships because of what they do to me. Probably tell myself about SN as well. But I haven't invented a time machine yet.

I hear about the horrors that some people experienced on SS, and I feel downright selfish for wasting forum space. So many people have much worse than me. And my heart goes out to each of your stories: it really does, more than you might believe.

Yep, I am with you.

You don't need time machine, you still can your ruined your life. Right now you can hurt more people if you are so cruel and evil; otherwise, you should try to finish your life journey as best as you can. I didn't think you are evil because you believed Jesus Christ.

 

[Life sucks]

I won't say I had a perfect life, I have countless problems but I had enough money that lets me do what I want to do, but it wasn't enough. Money doesn't solve traumas and mental problems and it doesn't change how life is inherently wrong.

 

[Nightwillalwayswin]

From the outside I must seem to have a great life. I have a "top" job. I am in debt from training but it's nothing disastrous. Loads of attention from opposite sex for being attractive (not the right kind but that's a long story). Very loving family.

I read people's stories on here: very physically ill, forced to be living with people that make them feel awful etc and I recognise my situation is very different.

I know I am fortunate in a lot of ways. It's such a weird conflict being grateful for your circumstances to an extent but also suffering in unbearable agony.

 

[TowerUpright]

If

From the outside I must seem to have a great life. I have a "top" job. I am in debt from training but it's nothing disastrous. Loads of attention from opposite sex for being attractive (not the right kind but that's a long story). Very loving family.

I read people's stories on here: very physically ill, forced to be living with people that make them feel awful etc and I recognise my situation is very different.

I know I am fortunate in a lot of ways. It's such a weird conflict being grateful for your circumstances to an extent but also suffering in unbearable agony.

If you don't mind me asking, is physical pain/agony your reason for CTB? Or something completely different? I'm curious for those of us that "Look Normal". Much Thanks.

 

[Nightwillalwayswin]

If

If you don't mind me asking, is physical pain/agony your reason for CTB? Or something completely different? I'm curious for those of us that "Look Normal". Much Thanks.

I don't suffer from physical agony which is why I mention that I know I am fortunate in comparison to people that do. It's mental/emotional.

 

[TowerUpright]

I understand now. Thank you.

May you find peace or have peace find you.

 

[signifying nothing]

A perfect life.

You might like to read 'This Book Will Save Your Life' by A.M. Homes.

 

[Nightwillalwayswin]

I understand now. Thank you.

May you find peace or have peace find you.

Thank you. You too.

 

[k75]

My life isn't perfect, but it's good enough that I often feel guilty for feeling so bad. On paper, things look pretty ok. I feel like an ingrate, like I have no right to be so depressed or suicidal.

The problems are mostly invisible, so if you don't know me, you might never realize anything I struggle with. I have chronic illness and pain, but I hide it well. I'm severely depressed, but most people have no idea. My head is a fucking warzone apocalypse. My life is a wreck, but I've become a pro at emergency cleaning. Just don't open the closets...

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

You're basically a plant.

I can't relate to the main thrust but I love this analogy. Would make a good username. And I do kind of get the feeling that there's nothing in this world that's worth it, even if you have the resources to acquire whatever might be seen to be worth it to others. Some may say this in itself is a symptom of depression but I don't know.

 

[victoria91]

I can relate.

Loving family , decentish job , don't go without , well educated but none of that matters when your broke inside.

I've wanted to ctb since I was a little girl, I remember feeling it and thinking about it .

 

[Nati]

You might like to read 'This Book Will Save Your Life' by A.M. Homes.

Thank you for the recommendation , ordered

 

[jisatsuko]

I totally relate to everything besides the family part. We're a bit distant... and well, to put short, I'm more independent than most people my age.
I feel a bit guilty for even feeling this way haha.., I have a really comfortable life... but, I want to die because I have nothing to live for. No aspirations, no loved ones, nothing.
I've never really been able to fit in, tbh..
I guess it's a bit similar??