Venting Who the fuck am I kidding

[BurningLights]

Who the fuck do I think I am, expecting to travel the astral plains for eternity? Do I think I'm superior to everyone else because I had the 'great' idea to do DMT, with some deluded fucked up thinking that I could be sent home. Even if I was fucking right, why me? What's so fucking special about me? Nothing, FUCKING NOTHING. I'm no better than the shit stuck to my shoe, I mean Jesus fucking christ, I was almost thinking of starting a cult for fucks sake. That's a true sign of delusion right? Right? Well fuck that shit.

I'm changing my plan, no longer doing it on DMT, its was stupid fucking idea that's come crashing down to earth on the day I plan to CTB. I still hope that my soul will go wherever its supposed to, and that our bodies are merely vessels for the soul, our souls are clouded by the hell that is our minds and bodies. No longer shall I feel the pain of living. Whatever happens, I'm fucking dead right? Fuck it.

I'm gonna go buy myself a nice bottle of 15year old glenfidditch whiskey. A lush pizza, cheesecake and a pack of tailor made fags. That's how I'm gonna go, through fucking gluttony and hedonism like the rest of my life.

I may add on to this later as the day progresses. But I have a lot to do before I CTB tonight.
I don't expect any replies, this just my thoughts leading up to my eventual DEATH.
FUCKING DEEEAAATTTTHHHHHH

 

[blindstatue]

You know, I've tried about 15-20 psych meds and I've always thought the same when starting one. ''This is going to change my perception and everything I am. This is finally going to save me. My life is about to change forever''. It never works. They've all made me feel sicker than I was before taking them. Everytime I've realized I was just looking for a way to give myself some more time. I was looking for a motivation to live, or a last attempt at living. The disappointment just made my depression worse everytime.

I've thought about doing psychedelics or ketamine too, but what for? Just so I can obsess with them being the final solution for my pain and then crashing and burning once again? I've come to terms with the idea that there is no escape to this hell. No drug that can help me. I crave death, just like you.

You are not alone.

 

[Help_Me]

One more upcoming reason for me to be sad tonight... yet I respect your choice and hope your suffering will come to an end. I'll miss you, mate. Hope you'll post some goodbye thread for us and we will be able to say our final warm words for you, buddy..

 

[naia_]

As you may well know, the body releases DMT when you die, so there you have it :)

I understand your thinking very well, nothing crazy about it. And even if there was, genius is said to be a hair's width of a scootch from nuts.

Please don't be so hard on yourself :´( <3

 

[BurningLights]

And he knew how hard it was to cry
This evil darling, this deep blue sky
Cry for water, you get no reply
To be the rain, in a dying mans eye
Beg for mercy, laughter fills the sky

 

[longingforrelease]

I'm sorry to hear you're in such pain brother. I hope you find respite from your suffering. Peace.

 

[BurningLights]

If you're out to get the honey
Then don't you don't go killing all the bees.

 

[BurningLights]

You know, I've tried about 15-20 psych meds and I've always thought the same when starting one. ''This is going to change my perception and everything I am. This is finally going to save me. My life is about to change forever''. It never works. They've all made me feel sicker than I was before taking them. Everytime I've realized I was just looking for a way to give myself some more time. I was looking for a motivation to live, or a last attempt at living. The disappointment just made my depression worse everytime.

I've thought about doing psychedelics or ketamine too, but what for? Just so I can obsess with them being the final solution for my pain and then crashing and burning once again? I've come to terms with the idea that there is no escape to this hell. No drug that can help me. I crave death, just like you.

You are not alone.

I understand this all too well, I have crashed and burned for the last time, you have said things that I wrote in my note.
I hope to meet you on the other side.
I hope to meet you all on the other side.
I will be holding up a banner for all SS folk.
You will be welcomed with open arms.

 

[BurningLights]

As you may well know, the body releases DMT when you die, so there you have it :)

I understand your thinking very well, nothing crazy about it. And even if there was, genius is said to be a hair's width of a scootch from nuts.

Please don't be so hard on yourself :´( <3

That's always been my problem, too hard on myself, unforgiving and relentless.
I think I'm balancing on that line, bit the weight is to heavy on the crazy side. Fear not, for I shall sleep easy, the compassion amd love is too strong, I couldn't ignore it if I tried. We are all each others hero's.

 

[BurningLights]

One more upcoming reason for me to be sad tonight... yet I respect your choice and hope your suffering will come to an end. I'll miss you, mate. Hope you'll post some goodbye thread for us and we will be able to say our final warm words for you, buddy..

Tank you my friend. I expect I will do a goodbye post. I will meet you on the other side. With open arms and a smile.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I know this feeling right now, compounded with envy/jealousy of those who have found spirituality in a way which helps them, I still cannot seem to figure out some sort of key others seem to have, or maybe I am just too sensitive and that's why I must use drugs, and they're the insensitive ones. I just don't know, but I'm glad I'm not alone. Those same people hate our kind for what they say is using drugs as a crutch, and yet they aren't us, but they still claim we have no excuse, because this other person has it worse and does just fine. Gah, sorry, really feeling you right now.

 

[Marc]

I understand this all too well, I have crashed and burned for the last time, you have said things that I wrote in my note.
I hope to meet you on the other side.
I hope to meet you all on the other side.
I will be holding up a banner for all SS folk.
You will be welcomed with open arms.

I'll be chilling right there with you bro smokin' on that astral haze :p
I enjoyed talking to you. Your DMT idea is great and you are not delusional.
I'm gonna miss you, but it won't be for long.
If i miss your goodbye post: save travels my friend and much love to you. See you on the other side :)

To everyone reading: I'll be there with open arms for you too :)

 

[blindstatue]

I understand this all too well, I have crashed and burned for the last time, you have said things that I wrote in my note.
I hope to meet you on the other side.
I hope to meet you all on the other side.
I will be holding up a banner for all SS folk.
You will be welcomed with open arms.

Thank you for your love my friend. I needed that. I hope to meet you on the other side too. A warm hug.

 

[bigj75]

We must make it.

 

[BurningLights]

I'll be chilling right there with you bro smokin' on that astral haze :p
I enjoyed talking to you. Your DMT idea is great and you are not delusional.
I'm gonna miss you, but it won't be for long.
If i miss your goodbye post: save travels my friend and much love to you. See you on the other side :)

To everyone reading: I'll be there with open arms for you too :)

You know what, I might still do it. Or at least finish what I've got in the run up.
Appreciate that Marc. I'll have a pipe waiting for you on the other side.

 

[longingforrelease]

That's always been my problem, too hard on myself, unforgiving and relentless.
I think I'm balancing on that line, bit the weight is to heavy on the crazy side. Fear not, for I shall sleep easy, the compassion amd love is too strong, I couldn't ignore it if I tried. We are all each others hero's.

I think many of us here have been and are too hard on ourselves. At least that's what some of my friends say. But it's hard, my case at least, not to be when frankly I have done things for which I should feel regret and remorse. But still I say try to be compassionate toward yourself. You have earned that compassion.