SufferingDev
this.dispose();
- Aug 4, 2024
- 26
Well - so I am in a relationship - with a guy who I met, he is 10 years older than me and he works as paramedic as well as he has a PhD in Psychology (he got it after we had come together).
Everything was fine at first but something after like a month or two started changing - he started ghosting me more - but eventually it was resolved. When he came to my house (I left my parents house something like month prior) everything was find until we started to kind of not get along.
Worth noting, my whole family started accusing him of faking his titles (especially that he is not a paramedic nor has a PhD) - fact that he never really showed hard proof for his PhD for example was a red flag - but generally he was able to logically explain everything.
But even with that I've started to not get along with him - I started being more anxious and he more impulsive - he would go and tell me many sad things while he was mad.
At the second side - for like two months straight I haven't been in humour and day after day (literally - because that is what I know - I am aware) and I had "talks about my sadness" with him like 3-4 times a day - and he already said countless times he is tired.
We had some larger disputes but generally things came together after that but it was something like a cycle. I really try to change and not overthink too much but I...for some reason...cannot.
Yes I should go to therapy - and I want...really - but I don't have how to do it.
Besides our own problems and the mother situation (which I cut contact with - I mean she WAS abusive and that is a fact so I don't regret it) we also have some financial issues - that made everything even worse.
But it wasn't that bad until recently.
Basically he went out to work to another city and he also had a meet with his friends. He was supposed to come back next day but he did not - he told me he will be back next day after that but finally he returned after 3 days. (I know that he initially changed his ticket to that day). I tried getting information from him - but he got mad at me that I control him too much.
When he came back (I mean he called me and told me before he came back)
I wasn't happy at least - but it wasn't something I could not accept (I literally would not care if I knew BEFORE). Either way he got mad at me for that telling me that he has enough from me because I act like 5 years old.
Generally things got better and I really really tried to give him more autonomy (that's again a think I am aware of - I am too clingy - for 2 months I literally did not give him ANY space to be alone even though he needed it). I really did try and it worked - until he again went away for some presentation (that would help him in his scientific world).
I generally wanted to leave him alone so he can focus on stuff - but I opened Discord and he was logged in. What I saw was terrifying.
But before that I also should note that he had such description on his profile "Property of XYZ
" - where XYZ is that friend who locked him, he explained to me that he doesn't see anything bad in it because well he got the keys...I said okay.
and now onto what I saw on Discord
Well I couldn't, I just couldn't. I called him, I was mad. He was also mad at me - he told why did I search his messages and that I lost his trust. Well, yea, I shouldn't do it - but that does not change these other things.
He later explained why he did that, that he wasn't happy either, that he did that to help his friend that gets a divorce and he knew I would not agree on that so he was supposed to tell me after that divorce - well I could believe but...but it wasn't one person. He promised he will explain everything once he comes back (he will come back tomorrow morning).
Next day I wanted to go to mental hospital because I felt really bad - he was mad at me, he told me that I didn't think of the consequences, that they would lock me up for at least 2 weeks because that's the law (I wanted to go there for a few days only). Well, I came back home where I am now.
Generally I feel it is the end - I feel he probably does not love me - and I started acting like in depression lately - he saw that.
He called me asking if I want to break up with him because he is scared, that was yesterday - and I need to admit I heard sincere in his voice.
He called me today because I posted some pro-CTB stuff, he said that he is really worried about my state in general - but he also got mad telling me that he feels like Im treating him like his terapist, that he gave me countless of solutions that I can use to feel better but I did not use any of these and that he really don't know how he can help me anymore, that he really cannot stand a relationship where I am in bad state every single day (which is actually true).
I don't know what to think about all of this - I do deeply love him, and he always told me the same - well, tomorrow I guess it will be what will decide on our fate.
If anything I will destroy everything I have and once I have nothing left - I am going to CTB.
Everything was fine at first but something after like a month or two started changing - he started ghosting me more - but eventually it was resolved. When he came to my house (I left my parents house something like month prior) everything was find until we started to kind of not get along.
Worth noting, my whole family started accusing him of faking his titles (especially that he is not a paramedic nor has a PhD) - fact that he never really showed hard proof for his PhD for example was a red flag - but generally he was able to logically explain everything.
But even with that I've started to not get along with him - I started being more anxious and he more impulsive - he would go and tell me many sad things while he was mad.
At the second side - for like two months straight I haven't been in humour and day after day (literally - because that is what I know - I am aware) and I had "talks about my sadness" with him like 3-4 times a day - and he already said countless times he is tired.
We had some larger disputes but generally things came together after that but it was something like a cycle. I really try to change and not overthink too much but I...for some reason...cannot.
Yes I should go to therapy - and I want...really - but I don't have how to do it.
Besides our own problems and the mother situation (which I cut contact with - I mean she WAS abusive and that is a fact so I don't regret it) we also have some financial issues - that made everything even worse.
But it wasn't that bad until recently.
Basically he went out to work to another city and he also had a meet with his friends. He was supposed to come back next day but he did not - he told me he will be back next day after that but finally he returned after 3 days. (I know that he initially changed his ticket to that day). I tried getting information from him - but he got mad at me that I control him too much.
When he came back (I mean he called me and told me before he came back)
He came back in chastity cage that he explained his best friend (which he said he knows him for years and they are in such relation that it wasn't anything sexual) put it on him to give us a "ban" - because I was too pushy with requests when he didn't want to have sex with me (we did not have sex for like 3+ months)
I wasn't happy at least - but it wasn't something I could not accept (I literally would not care if I knew BEFORE). Either way he got mad at me for that telling me that he has enough from me because I act like 5 years old.
Generally things got better and I really really tried to give him more autonomy (that's again a think I am aware of - I am too clingy - for 2 months I literally did not give him ANY space to be alone even though he needed it). I really did try and it worked - until he again went away for some presentation (that would help him in his scientific world).
I generally wanted to leave him alone so he can focus on stuff - but I opened Discord and he was logged in. What I saw was terrifying.
But before that I also should note that he had such description on his profile "Property of XYZ
and now onto what I saw on Discord
I saw him sending few people nudes - I saw him saying things like "yea before I got locked I haven't done anything for 5 days", "I need to ask XYZ to let me unlock" and he got reply that things look interesting, he also told someone that he likes to hit on people
Well I couldn't, I just couldn't. I called him, I was mad. He was also mad at me - he told why did I search his messages and that I lost his trust. Well, yea, I shouldn't do it - but that does not change these other things.
He later explained why he did that, that he wasn't happy either, that he did that to help his friend that gets a divorce and he knew I would not agree on that so he was supposed to tell me after that divorce - well I could believe but...but it wasn't one person. He promised he will explain everything once he comes back (he will come back tomorrow morning).
Next day I wanted to go to mental hospital because I felt really bad - he was mad at me, he told me that I didn't think of the consequences, that they would lock me up for at least 2 weeks because that's the law (I wanted to go there for a few days only). Well, I came back home where I am now.
Generally I feel it is the end - I feel he probably does not love me - and I started acting like in depression lately - he saw that.
He called me asking if I want to break up with him because he is scared, that was yesterday - and I need to admit I heard sincere in his voice.
He called me today because I posted some pro-CTB stuff, he said that he is really worried about my state in general - but he also got mad telling me that he feels like Im treating him like his terapist, that he gave me countless of solutions that I can use to feel better but I did not use any of these and that he really don't know how he can help me anymore, that he really cannot stand a relationship where I am in bad state every single day (which is actually true).
I don't know what to think about all of this - I do deeply love him, and he always told me the same - well, tomorrow I guess it will be what will decide on our fate.
If anything I will destroy everything I have and once I have nothing left - I am going to CTB.
