Who is suicidal even when in a good mood?

[Taki]

I've noticed for the past year, ever since that day when something "clicked " in my head (I've written about this here on SS before) that my suicidal intent is now immune to my mood. The other day I was at work and laughing a lot with some colleagues I often joke around with. I looked at them and thought, "I only have a few months left of this." Like I almost live in a world different from theirs.

Even if I'm doing something I enjoy, I recognize that it's inevitable and necessary for me to soon put a rope around my neck and kill myself. Because the future ahead of me is still a terrible one.

Does anyone else have moments like this?

 

[astro]

If I at some point my situation would improve and I would able to enjoy things again I would presumably still want to kill myself regardless. But since I have yet to improve I haven't had any moments like that. I understand the feeling, though.

 

[Root]

Yes. I feel the same.

 

[k75]

I have bad suicidal ideation pretty much constantly now. It's not mood driven. Hell, it doesn't even matter if I'm asleep or awake anymore. I'm just kind of living with it like white noise in the background.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I never in good mood anymore :(
And thoughts are persistent, if I see a building I imagine falling, if I see a truck I imagine it hitting me.
If I am sitting on a bench and smoking I think about death every other minute.

 

[SlackJim]

can definitely relate, makes me feel distant and detached

 

[Shero]

Although i don't experience euphoria that much anymore, i had the same kind of enlightenment that fueled me with nihilism. Like you, even in better moments, i know the day must come in when i choose i need to go. Factually my future won't get any better.
This knowledge gave me some sort of peace, after trying to cling as hard as i can onto something in order to survive. It gave me, like the 5 stages of grief&loss, acceptance.

 

[Astral316]

If I'm in a good mood it's because I'm suicidal. Every remaining moment alive becomes precious even if I'm just sitting around watching tv and drinking beers. It almost feels euphoric. If I could stretch the feeling out over my natural life I would but it only exists because of my plan to ctb.

 

[Soul]

My intention to kill myself isn't mood-driven or depression-related. It's a decision I've made; a done deal just awaiting the right time. There's plenty I enjoy in the meantime.

 

[ChemicallyCalm]

Yeah i still feel suicidal. But it goes a lot more passive. Instead of trying to desperately seek out death it's more like "If a car hit me right now and I started dying I wouldn't be mad about it"

 

[Taki]

Although i don't experience euphoria that much anymore, i had the same kind of enlightenment that fueled me with nihilism. Like you, even in better moments, i know the day must come in when i choose i need to go. Factually my future won't get any better.
This knowledge gave me some sort of peace, after trying to cling as hard as i can onto something in order to survive. It gave me, like the 5 stages of grief&loss, acceptance.

That's similar to what I experienced too. When the future is less uncertain it makes it easier.

 

[DalesProdigy]

I absolutely feel where you're coming from. When I personally feel this way I always remind myself of the power of mental illness. Even when things start to swing in my momentum it seems all my mind can focus on sometimes is being laid to rest. To get through and succeed I feel you need to work with your mental and just know you have as much worth as me or any other person out there for that matter. You feel your future will be harder and harder as it comes, and in a sense you are right, you will experience pain again and again in your life, but what you make of your life is a beautiful thought, you have just as much right as everyone to happiness. I hope you find it yourself soon my friend, take care.

 

[Flume]

There's so much hate in me so I can't feel happy anymore. Any time I feel good I'm reminded of how sad and broken I am, how far I've fell into this hole of never ending darkness.

 

[Squiddy]

Even when I'm in an okay mood, I'm still thinking about suicide

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I feel suicidal even when I'm with friends. I can't stop my suicidal thoughts.

 

[Taki]

My intention to kill myself isn't mood-driven or depression-related. It's a decision I've made; a done deal just awaiting the right time. There's plenty I enjoy in the meantime.

I think that's pretty common too, indifference to death.

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

11th grade was the least shitty year of high school and although some good things happened I was still suicidal.
Now I'm only happy when I imagine my suicide. I believe once you enter that mindset it never truly leaves you.

 

[Mizzmini45]

Thinking about suicide makes me fall asleep at nite

 

[WhyIsLife56]

Even when I was happy, I knew it wasn't gonna last. Being suicidal makes things bearable.

 

[acute]

I looked at them and thought, "I only have a few months left of this." Like I almost live in a world different from theirs.

Feel exactly the same.

 

[Moonicide]

It's always in the back of my head lately... I'll have these beautiful moments with my friends, they are very real and significant in my life despite the fact I will be taking my life soon. It's just even in these moments, I can't fully enjoy it due to the voice in the back of my head... "It doesn't matter. You're going to kill yourself anyways.", "I wish love and support was enough to save me from my inner dreams, but it hasn't and it won't." , "I know I'm going to hurt you when I leave and I am so sorry..."

 

[rosetrapped]

I guess its almost a way of coping by thinking in my head... this bad thing doesn't matter it's all going to end soon anyway, it's like things that once would've affected me go over my head :/

 

[BPD Barbie]

Even the days where I'm enjoying myself and feel happy, it's still there, becuase I know this moment of happiness will pass, my demons will visit me again and I'll fall back down the hole. I, personally, don't think it's a bad thing. In just further solidifies and confirms my thoughts that I'm not meant to be here, but it's nice to still find some pleasure in things.

 

[voyager]

What's a good mood?

I'm pretty much flat. Which isn't a bad thing, because it means I'm not at my worst. Doesn't mean I can't laugh or enjoy some things from time to time, despite anhedonia encroaching. But the last time I genuinely felt happy or in a good mood is more than twenty years ago. I can even remember the day. Hah.

But I do know what you mean. CTB has long raised my spirits, and last year I had a sort of mental high, thinking along the same lines, and I couldn't help but be nice to people and telling them when they did a good thing. A lot of things felt different. A bit like they used to, but quite sentimental. Downside was of course that I was prone to tears. Something I hadn't experienced either in so many years. It ended with a sort of epiphany on my life, but really I knew I was on the right track.

Am actually hoping for something similar when I off myself, only this time without the nerve racking three hours of sleep for two months beforehand.

 

[Not_Quite_Dead_Yet]

What's a good mood?

I'm pretty much flat. Which isn't a bad thing, because it means I'm not at my worst. Doesn't mean I can't laugh or enjoy some things from time to time, despite anhedonia encroaching. But the last time I genuinely felt happy or in a good mood is more than twenty years ago. I can even remember the day. Hah.

Wow, that made me sit up and laugh (sadly). My last happy day was in November, 2005. Now I am pretty much flat, too. But I guess that is better than being angry and bitter. Emotions take so much energy.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Yes and it's weird because it's almost like something snapped in my brain and I can't go back to the way I used to be. No matter what I'm doing, thinking or feeling I'm still suicidal. I guess it's just the realization that nothing is getting/is going to get better and this is my life...this is it...and it's not worth me sticking around for.

 

[Final Escape]

This actually happened to me. I had begun hormone replacement and felt joy and euphoria but also suicidal ideation. It was really strange.

 

[Taki]

This actually happened to me. I had begun hormone replacement and felt joy and euphoria but also suicidal ideation. It was really strange.

Sorry to hear that. I would have thought that starting that process would offer you some relief and even hope.

 

[Final Escape]

Sorry to hear that. I would have thought that starting that process would offer you some relief and even hope.

I guess the suicidal ideation is not related to how I feel. I think it's more related to the borderline personality disorder or complex ptsd. I figured the same that if I felt really great that my suicidal thoughts would disappear but that's not the case. You can feel good but your life can still be shitty in other important aspects. So far the hormones aren't fully kicked in yet. The guy said the second round is when it really takes and you're body adjusts to it. Also they said it takes two weeks to fully feel it when u first get this. It's my 4th maybe 5th day and they had prescribed some additional stuff I need but I can't sign in to it so I have to call tomorrow. It's for hormone protect and progesterone. They have to do progesterone separate I guess. Hormone protect makes it so testosterone doesn't turn into estrogen or something. Lol!

 

[Carina]

Suicidal thoughts in me seem to be like (active) I will do it this way on this date, with these things done by then, (passive) like what happens if I took the remaining bottle of beta blockers?, (questioning) "what happens if I hit that truck?", but regardless, they are (always there) in a just not caring if I accidentally die, just hoping it happens, because it'd be easier.

I even have dreams that have suicide themes. One involved a little clicker, that if you clicked the clicker box, it would kill you within 20 minutes, my entire dream was playing with the clicker and pushing it almost to the click.

Non-stop, regardless of mood. I just have distractions along the way .