Discussion Who here has suicidal ideation for at least a decade?

[Steff1337]

When it comes to me, I've had suicidal ideation since I was a kid, and I'm chronically on and off suicidal since 16, so more than a decade.

 

[null_blank]

Since I learned about suicide, which was around twelve. (I'm in my mid-thirties now)

This also reminds me of an imagination game I used to play in the shower as a younger child, called 'Dying In The Rain'

It's basically what it says on the package; just laid down as the water eventually got cold. It felt nice c:

 

[lefi]

Exactly 10 years this year. I've been like this for as long as I can remember.. I don't know how to live differently.

 

[Silent_cries]

It's been about a decade yeah, although not constant. It varies with my moodswings, although 95% of the time I'm suicidal. Found out through my medical journal that I suffer from chronical suicidality a few years ago too so I guess it's the norm for me...

 

[Soupster]

I can't date the onset of my suicidal ideation because much of my childhood is behind a mental block due to significant verbal and emotional abuse, and moderate physical abuse. I know working through these memories to work through my trauma that many are associated with an intense desire to die or ctb. My first 'attempt' which was quickly thwarted by SI was when I was 16, I stood over the railing of a 55m drop into a channel that has extremely strong currents and freezing temperatures but couldn't bring myself to let go. I'm now almost 39.

If we discount my childhood, where I can't tell you ages and times, and only count from my first active suicidal ideation with a plan, means and intent, we are looking at nearly 23 years. I've actively been in treatment the majority of that time, and there has never been a time even when well medicated and stable that I haven't longed for it.

 

[N33dT0D13]

I was a tween, don't remember exact age but around 10 or 12, banged my head against the wall once, mom asked if I was stupid and told me to stop so I stopped lmao, two decades now wow lol

 

[ToilThenDie]

Ever since I was a little one, so basically my entire life

 

[Nothing87]

I have a suicidal ideation ever since I was a child and till now my life is still like this no matter what I do.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Over 3 decades. Since I was 10. (I'm 44 now.) Not always to the same high intensity but I think often- once the thoughts are there, you pay them a visit whenever things go sufficiently wrong.

 

[TapeMachine]

Mine hasn't been constant, but the feelings have come and gone for the past 20ish years? Mostly, I "simply" experience depression and these agitated thoughts like, "fuck, I hate my life."

But every now and then, the actual suicidal thoughts come in full force, and those have been the times I've carried through with an attempt. Except for the most recent time. I never got a chance to put my plans into action, which I've spoken about repeatedly on here, so I'm not going to type it all out again.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, I've wished to cease existing for such a long time now, in fact wanting to not exist is really all I know, I'm just not meant to suffer in this cruel and futile existence and I shouldn't have existed in the first place, to me existing is completely undesirable and I only find comfort in death.

 

[thinvy]

hello hello! I've wanted to die since I discovered people could die, so maybe 20 years at this point lol. life has not been the most kind to me. what can you do ig?

 

[bgd2022]

For 3 decades now. I remember my mom saying she wanted to kill herself before I was 9. Don't remember exactly but it was always for some frustration she was dealing with. I probably started thinking of it as a way out soon after. She never did attempt to kill herself. I remember just not being able to deal with emotions and that's why I wanted to die. So it all would just stop. Now I'm 41 and have never really told anyone about my constant wish to die because I did not want to fuck up my kids like her actions did. I also don't blame her because I get it now. Life is shit and then you die. Why not take a shortcut. I'm waiting for my birthday this year because I'm a nerd and 42 sounds like the answer.