Who else used men as a coping mechanism to make up for their lack of love for themselves?

[Journeytoletgo]

Let's be honest here. I can't like myself due to my physical skin condition where I was bullied and parental neglect and poverty so instead I used men as a coping mechanism (twice) and sex. I hate myself even more for these awful choices In life

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I do that too but because of my childhood traumas :( I can't love myself

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I do that too but because of my childhood traumas :( I can't love myself

I have the same issue. I made a mistake with a guy recently and slept with him and I hate myself I could have made a friend without sex and now I want to CTB quickly. He was sociable and popular however I had a setback years ago with an abusive man from South Asia that took advantage of my naivety and broke me and I didn't pursue school and slipped into poverty

 

[GreenTree]

I used to use women as a coping mechanism when I didn't even know I wasn't coping. I thought I was well. Hindsight a wonderful thing. Now feel guilty and ashamed of myself. So much casual sex out there and usually because of low self asteem. Try not to get into it. Feels good at the time but long-term will leave you ashamed and guilty. Well that's how I feel anyway.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I used to use women as a coping mechanism when I didn't even know I wasn't coping. I thought I was well. Hindsight a wonderful thing. Now feel guilty and ashamed of myself. So much casual sex out there and usually because of low self asteem. Try not to get into it. Feels good at the time but long-term will leave you ashamed and guilty. Well that's how I feel anyway.

Yes, I agree. Not worth it

I have the same issue. I made a mistake with a guy recently and slept with him and I hate myself I could have made a friend without sex and now I want to CTB quickly. He was sociable and popular however I had a setback years ago with an abusive man from South Asia that took advantage of my naivety and broke me and I didn't pursue school and slipped into poverty

Sorry to hear that. The good news is that you have realized that and can change your behavior. I know it's hard but I'm doing that right now.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I used to use women as a coping mechanism when I didn't even know I wasn't coping. I thought I was well. Hindsight a wonderful thing. Now feel guilty and ashamed of myself. So much casual sex out there and usually because of low self asteem. Try not to get into it. Feels good at the time but long-term will leave you ashamed and guilty. Well that's how I feel anyway.

I did it twice and I'm so ashamed of it, it made me more depressed when I didn't talk to the guy anymore. I cried so much because I could have had him as a friend. I really hate myself

Yes, I agree. Not worth it

Sorry to hear that. The good news is that you have realized that and can change your behavior. I know it's hard but I'm doing that right now.

True but it hurts so bad :( I still miss him or maybe it's mourning a friendship I could have had

I used to use women as a coping mechanism when I didn't even know I wasn't coping. I thought I was well. Hindsight a wonderful thing. Now feel guilty and ashamed of myself. So much casual sex out there and usually because of low self asteem. Try not to get into it. Feels good at the time but long-term will leave you ashamed and guilty. Well that's how I feel anyway.

I agree totally not worth it. Makes me feel more ashamed and guilty and depressed

 

[bluedream]

I did it so much that romance and sex became totally meaningless to me

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I did it so much that romance and sex became totally meaningless to me

I know I feel empty after my two awful experiences. I wish I stayed a virgin

 

[Al Cappella]

Same, but with women. Ya, there are some really cringe-worthy situations I found myself in. But, from where I sit now, it was probably better than gambling or booze. Maybe I was just lucky…

 

[justwanttogo]

i wish i was able to use this as coping but im not. im really isolated and dont know how i should meet anyone.. thats mostly why i want to ctb
i had like two relationships but in the end people just kind of leave you and youre alone again

 

[ybotherr]

Women in my case. Hundreds of meaningless hookups trying to cure my endless sense of loneliness. Society thinks it's an impressive "achievement" as a man, but trust me, it's nothing to be proud of.

Tried to finally have a real relationship in my 30s. Lasted 2 years somehow, but I just ended up wearing down this wonderful, happy, positive girl and ultimately breaking her heart. So now I've realized I'm probably just better off alone completely. Don't want to hurt someone like that again

 

[come to dust]

If I had opportunity to hook up with men if I might have, but I am not sexually desirable.

 

[KimKevorkian]

Yeah. Overrated, all pretty much the same thing with different faces, some blurrier than others. Regret most. Broken hearts on both sides. Broken parts on both sides too if the night was really wild. But still, ended up abstinate for past 13 years and counting. It was all getting too toxic with partners who were really disturbed. The downside became far worse than any temporary fantasy upsides. The itch never goes away, but that's the biological imperative showing us as the hijacked meat robots that we are. (I didn't write any of this, btw. I am quoting from a Hallmark card).

 

[lili]

The worst part of using sex as a coping mechanism is that at least in my case it is a desperate yearn for love, which I lacked because of trauma. To seek to replace absent love with a person I barely now, they will obviously treat you impersonal, because for people it takes a long time to connect with someone. But for someone who yearns to substitute years of having no maternal or paternal love, and of sexual abuse, it is a heavy expectation to put on people you don't know as well. Yet desperation makes me do it, and I hate it. So they treat me impersonal because I was so easy to sleep with, but they don't know I did it because I was trying to fill my empty heart. But what I got instead was a deeper wound.

It is an endless trap to cope with sex. The worst is when you accidentally fall in love with one of those people.

These patterns are purely instinctual as well, it's not something I'm thinking about when it happens. Which is unfortunate too.

 

[Life_isover128]

I'm here due to being undesirable and unwanted as an unattractive man . It's very eye opening people here from all walks of life it shows perspective varies greatly and we are all unique in our struggles and experiences

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

The worst part of using sex as a coping mechanism is that at least in my case it is a desperate yearn for love, which I lacked because of trauma. To seek to replace absent love with a person I barely now, they will obviously treat you impersonal, because for people it takes a long time to connect with someone. But for someone who yearns to substitute years of having no maternal or paternal love, and of sexual abuse, it is a heavy expectation to put on people you don't know as well. Yet desperation makes me do it, and I hate it. So they treat me impersonal because I was so easy to sleep with, but they don't know I did it because I was trying to fill my empty heart. But what I got instead was a deeper wound.

It is an endless trap to cope with sex. The worst is when you accidentally fall in love with one of those people.

These patterns are purely instinctual as well, it's not something I'm thinking about when it happens. Which is unfortunate too.

You've closely described my own experiences, as well. I never had many sexual partners, but in my 20s I did have two that were nothing but an ego boost for myself...or perhaps more aptly, they gave me "approval" and made me "feel wanted" and special (even though I know, and knew THEN but I ignored reality, that I was no more special to them they were to me. And I liked these people well enough, they were decent men, but not men I'd ever truly develop feelings of love for. Yet I used them, and I still feel cheap and guilty and bad about it, even after all this time).

I had these and a couple other experiences pretty immediately after I was dumped by my first real boyfriend, whom I was with for 3 years. It devastated me. He moved on QUICKLY to other relationships, so I guess (well, I know) that I was seeking validation and comfort and desperately HOPING I'd find real love with another. But instead it was only playacting and sex that wasn't even enjoyable, and in the end, only regret and feeling like a POS for using another person for my own purposes. (the fact my father was always disapproving and critical and disconnected from me emotionally didn't help matters in regards to relationships w/men, either. just wanted to throw that in there as I think it's pertinent to this discussion and at least for me, was another reason I used men or attention from men to make myself 'feel better').

As others have said, when all is said and done, it's not worth it -- not to yourself, and certainly, definitely not to do to the other person who may have, or develop, actual feelings for you and then the hurt and pain is multiplied X times over.

I need to just stay alone. Luckily now I'm old, sick, and even more unattractive then ever so it's not a problem...

 

[Journeytoletgo]

You all make me feel less alone thank you all for sharing your story's while vulnerable

 

[Journeytoletgo]

The worst part of using sex as a coping mechanism is that at least in my case it is a desperate yearn for love, which I lacked because of trauma. To seek to replace absent love with a person I barely now, they will obviously treat you impersonal, because for people it takes a long time to connect with someone. But for someone who yearns to substitute years of having no maternal or paternal love, and of sexual abuse, it is a heavy expectation to put on people you don't know as well. Yet desperation makes me do it, and I hate it. So they treat me impersonal because I was so easy to sleep with, but they don't know I did it because I was trying to fill my empty heart. But what I got instead was a deeper wound.

It is an endless trap to cope with sex. The worst is when you accidentally fall in love with one of those people.

These patterns are purely instinctual as well, it's not something I'm thinking about when it happens. Which is unfortunate too.

This is so true, yes you want love and connection however it's a trauma response

I really relate to this wow. Seems you never learned healthy tools to cope with loneliness? I am the same way. I never learned how to form healthy bonds. If one knows how to form healthy friendships it fights the lonely feelings and then one can build a relationship with the opposite sex as well and have a great experience. It really is a childhood wound that wasn't addressed I'm sorry you experienced the same :(

Tbh sex isn't bad, however using it to cope with loneliness and lack of esteem and love is horrible and really traumatic. I now know where my trauma is and I don't want to live with it or the horrible two mistakes I made out of loneliness and lack of social fulfiment.

Anyone with social fulfillment, and isn't lonely doesn't use sex to fulfill that wound and that's what I did.

You've closely described my own experiences, as well. I never had many sexual partners, but in my 20s I did have two that were nothing but an ego boost for myself...or perhaps more aptly, they gave me "approval" and made me "feel wanted" and special (even though I know, and knew THEN but I ignored reality, that I was no more special to them they were to me. And I liked these people well enough, they were decent men, but not men I'd ever truly develop feelings of love for. Yet I used them, and I still feel cheap and guilty and bad about it, even after all this time).

I had these and a couple other experiences pretty immediately after I was dumped by my first real boyfriend, whom I was with for 3 years. It devastated me. He moved on QUICKLY to other relationships, so I guess (well, I know) that I was seeking validation and comfort and desperately HOPING I'd find real love with another. But instead it was only playacting and sex that wasn't even enjoyable, and in the end, only regret and feeling like a POS for using another person for my own purposes. (the fact my father was always disapproving and critical and disconnected from me emotionally didn't help matters in regards to relationships w/men, either. just wanted to throw that in there as I think it's pertinent to this discussion and at least for me, was another reason I used men or attention from men to make myself 'feel better').

As others have said, when all is said and done, it's not worth it -- not to yourself, and certainly, definitely not to do to the other person who may have, or develop, actual feelings for you and then the hurt and pain is multiplied X times over.

I need to just stay alone. Luckily now I'm old, sick, and even more unattractive then ever so it's not a problem...

I never seen so many people going through something similar as me. The same thing happened to me my first bf devastated me and after that I used men as a coping mechanism to deal with the loneliness, trauma, validation etc. It makes me feel so horrible that I not only gave myself to a stranger so easily (yuck) however I didn't know how to cope with the feelings after a break up and how to rebuild myself.

I also can't get over it that I gave myself up so easily to a stranger and had a one night stand reached out to him only to be traumatized sexually. I also wanted his validation because I was in a low point.


Where does this all come from? If you have a heartbreak or break up what are healthy ways to deal with it and to overcome the loneliness, grief, heartbreak. Engaging in casual sex in MY opinion for me was the most horrible heartbreaking experience and looking back I used him to make up for my own feelings of loneliness, self doubt, trauma, lack of love, lack of hobbies, just so much. In fact that was wrong and not a healthy way to deal with emotions now I'm paying the horrible price and regretting it everyday I feel used

 

[Ally-A]

Damn, and I thought I was bad for leading a girl on for just some semblance of external validation. Feels like everyone I meet can see right through me and see my broken, trauma-ridden core. Wish I was capable of being in any relationship that wasn't codependent in the slightest.

 

[Lullaby]

I used to do this a lot, because I just disliked myself and my life so much. I guess I had this desire to feel wanted in some way, or just feel in general. This led me to meeting and being used by pretty shitty people, it made me hate myself even more, honestly.

Eventually I ended up being sexually assaulted on one of my birthdays, and I just decided that I should be alone. Some days I really feel like it's all my fault, and I really wish I had the strength to love myself; now and back then.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I used to do this a lot, because I just disliked myself and my life so much. I guess I had this desire to feel wanted in some way, or just feel in general. This led me to meeting and being used by pretty shitty people, it made me hate myself even more, honestly.

Eventually I ended up being sexually assaulted on one of my birthdays, and I just decided that I should be alone. Some days I really feel like it's all my fault, and I really wish I had the strength to love myself; now and back then.

Me too. I'm sorry that happened to you, you didn't deserve it. Unfortunately the sexual laws aren't in woman's favors today. Yes there are some nice respectful men that REACT to us woman, girls based on how we view ourselves and treat ourselves and our LOOKS however there are awful men who are just predators and these are the ones to avoid at all cost and to know the signs. The same can be said about woman as well who are predatory and use men for their bank account and then run when he is at a low point.

Tbh this world is just I don't know anymore

 

[DontplayGod]

If I had opportunity to hook up with men if I might have, but I am not sexually desirable.

This ^ and the fact that where I live is fueled with raging anti-lgbtq+ hate

 

[lunarflower]

Went through a bunch of guys after my divorce to cope and absolutely hate myself for it. Ended up with a crazy stalker for a bit as a result too.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

Went through a bunch of guys after my divorce to cope and absolutely hate myself for it. Ended up with a crazy stalker for a bit as a result too.

Better alone

 

[ornitier199]

Never got the chance because I never imagined myself doing such a thing, even when dating porn stars, I had my boundaries/limit. Not the cruising type, can't use it as coping mechanism, because it's too physically intimate, I use other methods for that, sex is not one of them. Though I did temporarily wanted to fill some sudden void since coming out to be "filled'. But it was more of a passing thought.
But... I still have vivid dreams of it every night, I'd be lying otherwise. Since there's two guys on that list now.

 

[RetroChaos]

How do you even find these hookups? I've only ever had one long-term female relationship, I'm scared to use any apps as I saw her once on tinder and deleted my account after. Grindr is just a sleeze-fest mind you

 

[DynamicDepression]

I did and it resulted in being groomed and raped by different (much older) men for six years (ages 13-19). I would do anything they told me to before I eventually started doing it on my own for them. Even now I get an erection whenever I think of the disgusting things they did to me because my body doesn't know how to discern it from actual sexual stimulation.

 

[RetroChaos]

I did and it resulted in being groomed and raped by different (much older) men for six years (ages 13-19). I would do anything they told me to before I eventually started doing it on my own for them. Even now I get an erection whenever I think of the disgusting things they did to me because my body doesn't know how to discern it from actual sexual stimulation.

I can sort of relate. I went through a period when I was younger being bullied and I went to online chat rooms from 13-16. I was groomed online by older men on their doing disgusting things on cam for false attention and compliments. Now I struggle seeing myself in a positive way

 

[DynamicDepression]

I can sort of relate. I went through a period when I was younger being bullied and I went to online chat rooms from 13-16. I was groomed online by older men on their doing disgusting things on cam for false attention and compliments. Now I struggle seeing myself in a positive way

It really is so awful that we (and so many others) had/have to resort to being exploited by pedophiles to fill the void and ease the pain of being bullied. I don't know about you, but I was constantly justifying it in my head, saying things like "Oh, but it's okay because I consented to this!" instead of facing the reality of how I was being abused.

Nice profile picture, by the way.

 

[RetroChaos]

It really is so awful that we (and so many others) had/have to resort to being exploited by pedophiles to fill the void and ease the pain of being bullied. I don't know about you, but I was constantly justifying it in my head, saying things like "Oh, but it's okay because I consented to this!" instead of facing the reality of how I was being abused.

Nice profile picture, by the way.

Exactly! And thanks, likewise with yours, though I need to get around to finishing the P2 duology