Who Could I Have Been?

[KafkaF]

Who could I have been without the abuse?

It's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately.

Maybe I wouldn't have been disgusted with my own appearance. Wouldn't have been so afraid of failing that I couldn't complete college or get my driver's licence. Or so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing that the idea of talking to strangers makes me hyperventilate. Or so constantly telling myself I'm worthless that I can see no hope or value for myself.

My parents always yelling at me, always putting me down, telling me how bad I am at everything, constantly criticizing me for every little misstep or ever not meeting their expectations, always expecting me to be the best at everything, trying to control everything about me, never letting me just try and fail, never connecting with my emotions and so many more things. It has taken its toll on me. And I'll never be okay. And I realize that. No matter what I do I'll never be alright again because of decades of emotional and verbal abuse.

I probably would've had a job. A house. A car. A girlfriend who loved me. Friends. Everything so many people take for granted but I can't seem to have and hold on to. All because of the abuse.

I know I'm smart. That's maybe the one positive thing nobody denies, not even me. I could've done so much with that if things were different.

I know they're not though.

I know I have to die. Even though I keep procrastinating on it.

I don't think I'm scared of losing this life though. I mourn what my life could have been without the abuse. And it's hard to let go of that.

 

[migimortis]

Who could I have been without the abuse?


I don't think I'm scared of losing this life though. I mourn what my life could have been without the abuse. And it's hard to let go of that.

You couldn't of said it better.
I do think to myself sometimes though, even if I had it all, would I want to live? Unfortunately, I don't think so.

 

[Argo]

I mourn what my life could have been without the abuse. And it's hard to let go of that.

I share a lot of your disappointment and trauma, and have spent a very long time wondering what you wrote there. But what I realized is that "potential life" is imaginary. It could not have happened. The only life that's real is the one you have right now. And that confusion is the basis for regret that eats you alive.

That "if only..." "but what if I didn't..." "If they were just better..." and so on. None of those scenarios are real. They could not have been real. But we live in a world that pretends they could have. Our world pretends like anything is possible. You feel like you can go to the fridge and take anything out of it that you want. What's simpler than that? What's better evidence of your freedom? Which snack will you pick? You'll only pick what you pick. And if you didn't pick something else, that thing was actually impossible for you to pick.

You *couldn't* have taken the orange, if you chose the pear. All the neurons in your brain fired, and you picked orange. That's how reality works. Reality isn't about you being some magical force that materializes choices, that idea is nowhere to be found. It's a fictional idea. When you look at reality, what you see is that choices materialize for you, and you experience them as choices. Once you understand the world this way, you paradoxically gain freedom. You gain the freedom to let go of regret, to let go of blame, resentment-- and your suffering decreases massively.

 

[Labyrinth]

I share a lot of your disappointment and trauma, and have spent a very long time wondering what you wrote there. But what I realized is that "potential life" is imaginary. It could not have happened. The only life that's real is the one you have right now. And that confusion is the basis for regret that eats you alive.

That "if only..." "but what if I didn't..." "If they were just better..." and so on. None of those scenarios are real. They could not have been real. But we live in a world that pretends they could have. Our world pretends like anything is possible. You feel like you can go to the fridge and take anything out of it that you want. What's simpler than that? What's better evidence of your freedom? Which snack will you pick? You'll only pick what you pick. And if you didn't pick something else, that thing was actually impossible for you to pick.

You *couldn't* have taken the orange, if you chose the pear. All the neurons in your brain fired, and you picked orange. That's how reality works. Reality isn't about you being some magical force that materializes choices, that idea is nowhere to be found. It's a fictional idea. When you look at reality, what you see is that choices materialize for you, and you experience them as choices. Once you understand the world this way, you paradoxically gain freedom. You gain the freedom to let go of regret, to let go of blame, resentment-- and your suffering decreases massively.

Ladies and gentlemen, your conversation was fantastic. I have never felt so well represented, I know that my peers are here and that is why I call you all friends because we feel the same pain.

Who could I have been without the abuse?

It's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately.

Maybe I wouldn't have been disgusted with my own appearance. Wouldn't have been so afraid of failing that I couldn't complete college or get my driver's licence. Or so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing that the idea of talking to strangers makes me hyperventilate. Or so constantly telling myself I'm worthless that I can see no hope or value for myself.

My parents always yelling at me, always putting me down, telling me how bad I am at everything, constantly criticizing me for every little misstep or ever not meeting their expectations, always expecting me to be the best at everything, trying to control everything about me, never letting me just try and fail, never connecting with my emotions and so many more things. It has taken its toll on me. And I'll never be okay. And I realize that. No matter what I do I'll never be alright again because of decades of emotional and verbal abuse.

I probably would've had a job. A house. A car. A girlfriend who loved me. Friends. Everything so many people take for granted but I can't seem to have and hold on to. All because of the abuse.

I know I'm smart. That's maybe the one positive thing nobody denies, not even me. I could've done so much with that if things were different.

I know they're not though.

I know I have to die. Even though I keep procrastinating on it.

I don't think I'm scared of losing this life though. I mourn what my life could have been without the abuse. And it's hard to let go of that.

What wasn't, wasn't done and will never be done.

Even though you have a wide potential to choose from within the range of predetermined options, the moment you choose, everything else will disappear like a fog. As we take a new step the ground is built. Possibilities come and go, just like a candle lights up and goes out. It hurts to know that we could have been better, but we must recognize that we only knew that after being what we once were.