Alpha_Draco_Pegasus
Member
- Jun 16, 2019
- 48
I joined this forum community because I'm taking my decision to commit suicide very seriously. After 10 years of suicidal ideation, from the age of 16 up to 26, my current age, I have recently confirmed with myself that this is definitely what I want to do. I want out - ASAP. I feel like I have put a lot of thought into this and that I am making the best decision I know how to make. Let's see if I can unravel my thoughts in order to make this all clear, to the readers but most importantly to me. I want this plan, this intention, this dream even, to be as crystal clear to me as ever. This is my focus. It is urgent, exciting, and scary. Scary in that I know that this will be the biggest challenge of my life. I mean, it has to be. When it comes to suicide, "odds are against you" as I recall reading I think from the 'LostAllHope' website.
I'm making this a long thread on purpose like if I were writing a letter to myself, exploring my life and what it has come to, and why it has come to this. Sadly, I feel like there is no happy fate for me. I've been through a lot over the past 10 years, and a lot of it seemed positive. Some of it seemed to entice hope. I arose and I fell, a few times. These last two years I have been recovering from crystal meth addiction, alcohol and cannabis abuse, just... addiction in general. I've been working really hard on rebuilding my life since January 2017 when I first got clean and sober. I completed a drug rehab program and transferred over to half-way housing, so I would no longer be homeless. I got a job which I've maintained since November 2017 and I had saved about $10,000 until I recently fell for a Social Security fraud scam and lost $6,000 of it.
I've been going to my local community college and have passed several courses so far. I finally got my driver's license and got a car. I'm young, fit, attractive, smart, and have many life opportunities available to me (I guess...). I was feeling so very determined to succeed. I wanted to obtain a Bachelor's degree, land a white collar job in a nice office, marry the girl of my dreams, have kids and live happily ever after. I had never wanted that before in my life. But now it doesn't make any sense. It's worth noting that I've relapsed on meth three times since January 2017, varying from one year, ten months and six months apart. I was lucky to have pulled myself together. The last relapse occurred this May and it took the hardest toll on me and it may have played a big role in ruining my determination.
I've been doing everything possible to combat depression. I'm taking all of the right medications and supplements. There's no better way for me to take care of my body. I abstain from caffeine, smoking, junk food, and I try hard to get good sleep and exercise. I've fallen off the caffeine-abstinence many times and I've had recent struggles managing my excessive habits such as that. I'm so addicted I can't handle anything in moderation. One sip of coffee, next thing you know I'm smoking, next thing you know I'm eating junk, next thing you know I'm drinking, etc... I'm so depressed that I think it's all my body can recognize pleasure from. So I've put myself on a very strict diet and consumerative guidelines. It sucks but now it's in my best interest. Abstaining from 9 substances and behaviors, including masturbating, is like starving in 9 different ways all the time. The cravings never cease. If they do, it's just because I've forgotten. I always remember. So I'm now doomed to stick to these severe limits. Not a scoop of ice cream for the rest of my life. It's that dangerous. I just can not handle pleasure in any way. My brain will just desperately cling onto it and it will ruin me.
Addiction has distracted me from suicide as well. If I wasn't spending my time smoking bowls of weed, getting drunk, and then doing whatever it took to get meth for the last 4 years, I would have gotten around to killing myself as early as, I'd say 2013. This is why staying clean and sober is vital to the success of my suicide mission. I don't know if I can completely do it. I know I'm going to sip some caffeine pretty soon. I can probably manage keeping it to that, and maybe I'd have to go back to smoking cigarettes. I know that contradicts a little of what I said before about one sip of coffee leading to total destruction... well, it's complicated. Not important anymore anyway. I think I've made the story pretty boring so far. Let's see if I can make it more engrossing.
So that's one thing on my plate now - the addiction. Let's get a little organized now so I can start making it seem like I have a point in elaborating on all of this. These are the key factors which I have decided are leading me toward the decision of suicide:
1. Addiction
2. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
3. Depression
4. Social difficulties
5. Personal history; Experience
6. Current circumstance, present and relative future
My relationships with each of these categories has brought to my understanding that none of these conditions are at this point reversible to any significant enough degree. I'll break it down as to why that is for each category.
1. ADDICTION - I believe this is a response to my depression and OCD. It began to manifest with binge eating at age 15. I knew I was going to be an alcoholic before I even had my first drink. I knew I was going to be a drug addict and that it would cause me to be homeless. Bingo, I was spot on. What else could I have wanted? Alcohol seemed like the only way to have fun in life and drinking was the only activity to look forward to. I've been to probably at least 1,000 AA/NA meetings over the last 4 years. I don't actively work the program and do the steps with a sponsor or anything. I gave it all an honest try and I learned a lot about myself and addiction through those programs. "Once an addict, always an addict" I believe most certainly pertains to me. I've caused my brain an irreversible obsession. Because of my history of excessive drug use, I will never be able to moderately consume ANY of the substances or behaviors (including coffee and masturbating) which I have at any time abused before. I have ruined all of it for myself, permanently. I have chemically changed the state of my brain and have forever altered its tendencies. IRREVERSIBLE and forever a hindrance. One point suicide, zero points life.
2. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER - This is my root condition. I've exhibited traits of OCD since as early as age 5. To my memory and my understanding, I've always been absorbed by it. It is inherent to my life. There is no way I can reverse over 20 years of OCD thoughts and experiences in time for me to save my life. It's scarred in my brain. I'm no clinician or diagnostician but I like to think I'm intuitive I guess. Maybe I'm just making stuff up. Silly me. I think this disorder sealed my fate from the beginning.
3. DEPRESSION - One could theorize that this resulted as a response to my inherent OCD condition. I've been thinking however that it's co-occurring, or, what I mean is that it emerged as its own condition later in life, for me at age 13. So this is why it is in a separate category. Depression is what makes writing this story such a drag. I want to be doing this but it's like writing a paper for school now. Depression has become a VERY immediate presence to me over the last few months. I've lost interest in all subjects, all music - everything. I am no longer curious about anything in the world. Not even myself. I don't know if I've ever been that low. That's what caused me to come to this site. That was it. I've been doing all the right things, putting all the right chemicals into my brain but I'm still putting up with this looming depression. I think this time, it's resulted from a realization. The realization that I actually don't have far to go in life. I am so restricted by these factors such as addiction, OCD and my experience of socializing. It started at age 13 from a realization as well. The realization was that, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. All I saw ahead was hard work with no worthwhile reward. Getting older, everything would be brutal. Getting through high school I could no imagine. The thought of getting through anything from that point on... was unbearable. I felt doomed and trapped in a life whose fate was helpless and joyless.
4. SOCIAL DIFFICULTIES - This I've placed into the "inevitable" category (the other categories are: inherent (OCD), and I'm still thinking of the rest...). I don't think I have a co-occurring social anxiety disorder as I once thought. I used to think, or at least I wanted to think that I was on the Asperger spectrum. Only because it would be an answer. But I'm more normal than I wished I was, I suppose. I've struggled with intimacy and close relationships basically forever. I had friends growing up from preschool through middle school just like a normal kid. The whole middle part of the story for this one is still a little blurry to me. Through adolescence I found it very hard to connect with others as I had distanced myself and withdrew from social groups. Failure to socially integrate could have played a role in my depression or vice versa. Generally I don't care much for psychoanalysis these days so I'm basically going to dismiss all potential insights. I felt easily embarrassed and awkward and I couldn't express my attraction to girls even with my friends. I started out just being very shy. Typical of many pubertal boys I guess. Not too interesting. Nowadays, in my current life situation, and life as I remember it for the past several years, or even, ever since adolescence, I have overcome a lot of the shyness but I still feel like it is impossible to connect in a close way or to "love" somebody as others describe it. Something tells me that other people who are in good social and emotion health feel affection, care and other qualities of true human-to-human connection which makes their relationships worthwhile and thus their lives worth living. The quality of my relationships has been overall unsatisfactory because I feel there has been hardly anything to it. It's more of a lack of quality. People have relationships in color, while I have mine in black and white. This is all just a brainstorm-in-progress way of describing my thoughts about my social life. There's still a lot to think about.
5. HISTORY - It's hard to overwrite learned information, especially information which is learned so early. I can not overwrite or overcome my history of OCD. Unlearning my addiction and my depression I believe are possible (although I mentioned "once an addict, always an addict", there is a recovery-time-spectrum in my head) but it would take almost a decade to make any headway I think. Having experienced addiction and depression during such a crucial developmental period (age 13-present) I think makes it very hard to learn your way out of. That's what intensive therapy is for, coping skills, and life management skills and such. I've been through all of that and I know what that's all about. For me it turned out to be a bust. Therapy I have rendered useless, coping skills/meditation/mindfulness are just cliches which aren't even real things to me, and that's all there is out there in the "recovery world". It's all pro-life so there's no use in going to therapy anyway if I can't be completely honest about my life. And my life involves a whole lot of suicidal ideation, so dodging around my honest thoughts about that would make the therapeutic connection inauthentic and pointless. I've never felt safe talking about suicide completely and openly with ANYBODY due to the pro-life protocols. Sorry to all of you homosexuals if it's unfair to analogize these: it's like being a "closet suicidalist" in a world where, if you were to come out of the closet, people would shun you, arrest you, kill you, take away your freedom, take your pick... I know at least that it was like that being homosexual during certain time periods in certain parts of the world. Persecution's a bitch. Suicide is taboo, illegal and unacceptable in 21st century America. That's why I came here.
That went off the rails from history a bit, but I think I already made enough of a point about history anyway, and how certain memories just make a permanent imprint on perception.
6. CIRCUMSTANCE - This mainly focuses on my life now and how it will influence my life moving forward and what my options are, considering the rest of my life. When I came here to SS, I had in my mind that I wanted to CTB with a 12 Gauge shotgun. To me that was ideal and that was my dream. I made a few threads about that which discussed my circumstance and my goals and such. Obtaining a gun in California could be difficult - I haven't done extensive research yet. I for sure can't do it where I currently live. I live in shared housing in a half-way house/sober-living environment with other addicts, with a nearby office where counselors and administrators are running the program. Having a gun mailed to me would be too risky. I am planning on moving to a cheaper part of the state hopefully no later than September. Then thankfully I will be severed from this mental health/housing system I'm currently entangled with/housed by. Then I'll be renting my own place and receiving such mail I think would be safe. That being said, once I move I will really start to nail down some research and there shouldn't be anything stopping me from committing suicide by the end of the year.
Now the alternative of course: I would move to this cheaper place anyway where I wanted to move even before I planned to CTB. I think it will be a very accommodating place for me and so my living environment would improve hence uplifting my quality of life somewhat. Yay! ...but not enough yay I don't think. I'm still a person defined by categories 1 - 5. That will never change. It's too late for environment to play a crucial role. I would transfer my college credits to the local county community college and work towards what I am working towards now - transferring to a four-year university and obtaining a B.A. I COMPLETELY DESPISE SCHOLASTICS TO THE CORE - so achieving this seems just about impossible to me. I didn't even think I could earn a high school diploma. Let's just say somehow I pulled it off, got a B.A. and landed that white collar office job. What was my major? ....ehmm, English I guess. I don't even care. How should I even know. What would I be working on in this office? I don't know. Maybe I don't even care. Hmm. Just... don't know.
Or it just all is too much and I end up settling for an Associate's degree or even resorting to trade school to become a plumber, exterminator, painter, whatever... does it make a difference to me anymore? I have absolutely no idea what I am better off doing.... thankfully my parents are two successful people and I trust their guidance.
Anyway, I don't know what will result of successfully completing school and moving on to my career or whatever it is I end up doing with my life. I've considered being anything. It doesn't make a difference. I'm too depressed and I think there's just no chance for salvation anymore. I am most certainly absolutely hopeless. I have no interest in doing anything else in life, other than things which will cause me massive loss of control and hence tremendous suffering in the long run, being addictive substances and activities. I could just download digital media, watch movies and play RuneScape for the rest of my life, but those things are not worth sticking around for.
Well it's about time to be wrapping this up. I think I've conveyed and elaborated on all of my main reasons for suicide now. If you actually read my whole story and paid attention, BRAVO. I strongly admire you. You have my utmost appreciation. I didn't feel very excited while writing this and so I didn't think that it was going to read very excitingly. Suicide, like anything worthwhile in life, takes hard work. Now I really don't like to swear, it is not at all in my natural character I don't think - BUT to all of the people who say "Suicide is the easy way out" - I have one firm exclamation for you which in this case I believe is MOST appropriate - FUCK YOU! Why don't I just kill you too while I'm at it. (kidding...)
But I know people with that attitude most likely are not on this forum. I won't take any time to criticize anyone anymore anyway. My goal is to stay straying away from my emotional reactivity. A good, effective suicide is a real project though, and that's how I am treating it for me. Naturally I think the world wants me destroyed given the detriments of my 6 categories. This is who I am, this is how I was made and thus this is how and who I have become. Natural selection wants me dead. It wants me homeless, cold, starving and suffering as a result of my addiction and abnormal/unstable mental health. I have seen through the course of treatment. That was supposed to be the only positive intervention. Now it is time for my own personal intervention, a form of artificial selection, in which I control my fate, intervene with my destructive destiny by bringing my life to a complete sudden HALT - and ending it. It's all up to me. Nobody has my back. I'm all on my own here. I really want this to work. This is really what I want and I think it is the best thing that I could ever have given to myself. Because I love and want to protect myself, this is what I must do.
Thanks again for reading if you stuck through the whole thing. Even if you just skimmed, I am glad for your attention. I just want my honest story to exist somewhere. I want to be truthful and I want someone to know me.
I'm making this a long thread on purpose like if I were writing a letter to myself, exploring my life and what it has come to, and why it has come to this. Sadly, I feel like there is no happy fate for me. I've been through a lot over the past 10 years, and a lot of it seemed positive. Some of it seemed to entice hope. I arose and I fell, a few times. These last two years I have been recovering from crystal meth addiction, alcohol and cannabis abuse, just... addiction in general. I've been working really hard on rebuilding my life since January 2017 when I first got clean and sober. I completed a drug rehab program and transferred over to half-way housing, so I would no longer be homeless. I got a job which I've maintained since November 2017 and I had saved about $10,000 until I recently fell for a Social Security fraud scam and lost $6,000 of it.
I've been going to my local community college and have passed several courses so far. I finally got my driver's license and got a car. I'm young, fit, attractive, smart, and have many life opportunities available to me (I guess...). I was feeling so very determined to succeed. I wanted to obtain a Bachelor's degree, land a white collar job in a nice office, marry the girl of my dreams, have kids and live happily ever after. I had never wanted that before in my life. But now it doesn't make any sense. It's worth noting that I've relapsed on meth three times since January 2017, varying from one year, ten months and six months apart. I was lucky to have pulled myself together. The last relapse occurred this May and it took the hardest toll on me and it may have played a big role in ruining my determination.
I've been doing everything possible to combat depression. I'm taking all of the right medications and supplements. There's no better way for me to take care of my body. I abstain from caffeine, smoking, junk food, and I try hard to get good sleep and exercise. I've fallen off the caffeine-abstinence many times and I've had recent struggles managing my excessive habits such as that. I'm so addicted I can't handle anything in moderation. One sip of coffee, next thing you know I'm smoking, next thing you know I'm eating junk, next thing you know I'm drinking, etc... I'm so depressed that I think it's all my body can recognize pleasure from. So I've put myself on a very strict diet and consumerative guidelines. It sucks but now it's in my best interest. Abstaining from 9 substances and behaviors, including masturbating, is like starving in 9 different ways all the time. The cravings never cease. If they do, it's just because I've forgotten. I always remember. So I'm now doomed to stick to these severe limits. Not a scoop of ice cream for the rest of my life. It's that dangerous. I just can not handle pleasure in any way. My brain will just desperately cling onto it and it will ruin me.
Addiction has distracted me from suicide as well. If I wasn't spending my time smoking bowls of weed, getting drunk, and then doing whatever it took to get meth for the last 4 years, I would have gotten around to killing myself as early as, I'd say 2013. This is why staying clean and sober is vital to the success of my suicide mission. I don't know if I can completely do it. I know I'm going to sip some caffeine pretty soon. I can probably manage keeping it to that, and maybe I'd have to go back to smoking cigarettes. I know that contradicts a little of what I said before about one sip of coffee leading to total destruction... well, it's complicated. Not important anymore anyway. I think I've made the story pretty boring so far. Let's see if I can make it more engrossing.
So that's one thing on my plate now - the addiction. Let's get a little organized now so I can start making it seem like I have a point in elaborating on all of this. These are the key factors which I have decided are leading me toward the decision of suicide:
1. Addiction
2. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
3. Depression
4. Social difficulties
5. Personal history; Experience
6. Current circumstance, present and relative future
My relationships with each of these categories has brought to my understanding that none of these conditions are at this point reversible to any significant enough degree. I'll break it down as to why that is for each category.
1. ADDICTION - I believe this is a response to my depression and OCD. It began to manifest with binge eating at age 15. I knew I was going to be an alcoholic before I even had my first drink. I knew I was going to be a drug addict and that it would cause me to be homeless. Bingo, I was spot on. What else could I have wanted? Alcohol seemed like the only way to have fun in life and drinking was the only activity to look forward to. I've been to probably at least 1,000 AA/NA meetings over the last 4 years. I don't actively work the program and do the steps with a sponsor or anything. I gave it all an honest try and I learned a lot about myself and addiction through those programs. "Once an addict, always an addict" I believe most certainly pertains to me. I've caused my brain an irreversible obsession. Because of my history of excessive drug use, I will never be able to moderately consume ANY of the substances or behaviors (including coffee and masturbating) which I have at any time abused before. I have ruined all of it for myself, permanently. I have chemically changed the state of my brain and have forever altered its tendencies. IRREVERSIBLE and forever a hindrance. One point suicide, zero points life.
2. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER - This is my root condition. I've exhibited traits of OCD since as early as age 5. To my memory and my understanding, I've always been absorbed by it. It is inherent to my life. There is no way I can reverse over 20 years of OCD thoughts and experiences in time for me to save my life. It's scarred in my brain. I'm no clinician or diagnostician but I like to think I'm intuitive I guess. Maybe I'm just making stuff up. Silly me. I think this disorder sealed my fate from the beginning.
3. DEPRESSION - One could theorize that this resulted as a response to my inherent OCD condition. I've been thinking however that it's co-occurring, or, what I mean is that it emerged as its own condition later in life, for me at age 13. So this is why it is in a separate category. Depression is what makes writing this story such a drag. I want to be doing this but it's like writing a paper for school now. Depression has become a VERY immediate presence to me over the last few months. I've lost interest in all subjects, all music - everything. I am no longer curious about anything in the world. Not even myself. I don't know if I've ever been that low. That's what caused me to come to this site. That was it. I've been doing all the right things, putting all the right chemicals into my brain but I'm still putting up with this looming depression. I think this time, it's resulted from a realization. The realization that I actually don't have far to go in life. I am so restricted by these factors such as addiction, OCD and my experience of socializing. It started at age 13 from a realization as well. The realization was that, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. All I saw ahead was hard work with no worthwhile reward. Getting older, everything would be brutal. Getting through high school I could no imagine. The thought of getting through anything from that point on... was unbearable. I felt doomed and trapped in a life whose fate was helpless and joyless.
4. SOCIAL DIFFICULTIES - This I've placed into the "inevitable" category (the other categories are: inherent (OCD), and I'm still thinking of the rest...). I don't think I have a co-occurring social anxiety disorder as I once thought. I used to think, or at least I wanted to think that I was on the Asperger spectrum. Only because it would be an answer. But I'm more normal than I wished I was, I suppose. I've struggled with intimacy and close relationships basically forever. I had friends growing up from preschool through middle school just like a normal kid. The whole middle part of the story for this one is still a little blurry to me. Through adolescence I found it very hard to connect with others as I had distanced myself and withdrew from social groups. Failure to socially integrate could have played a role in my depression or vice versa. Generally I don't care much for psychoanalysis these days so I'm basically going to dismiss all potential insights. I felt easily embarrassed and awkward and I couldn't express my attraction to girls even with my friends. I started out just being very shy. Typical of many pubertal boys I guess. Not too interesting. Nowadays, in my current life situation, and life as I remember it for the past several years, or even, ever since adolescence, I have overcome a lot of the shyness but I still feel like it is impossible to connect in a close way or to "love" somebody as others describe it. Something tells me that other people who are in good social and emotion health feel affection, care and other qualities of true human-to-human connection which makes their relationships worthwhile and thus their lives worth living. The quality of my relationships has been overall unsatisfactory because I feel there has been hardly anything to it. It's more of a lack of quality. People have relationships in color, while I have mine in black and white. This is all just a brainstorm-in-progress way of describing my thoughts about my social life. There's still a lot to think about.
5. HISTORY - It's hard to overwrite learned information, especially information which is learned so early. I can not overwrite or overcome my history of OCD. Unlearning my addiction and my depression I believe are possible (although I mentioned "once an addict, always an addict", there is a recovery-time-spectrum in my head) but it would take almost a decade to make any headway I think. Having experienced addiction and depression during such a crucial developmental period (age 13-present) I think makes it very hard to learn your way out of. That's what intensive therapy is for, coping skills, and life management skills and such. I've been through all of that and I know what that's all about. For me it turned out to be a bust. Therapy I have rendered useless, coping skills/meditation/mindfulness are just cliches which aren't even real things to me, and that's all there is out there in the "recovery world". It's all pro-life so there's no use in going to therapy anyway if I can't be completely honest about my life. And my life involves a whole lot of suicidal ideation, so dodging around my honest thoughts about that would make the therapeutic connection inauthentic and pointless. I've never felt safe talking about suicide completely and openly with ANYBODY due to the pro-life protocols. Sorry to all of you homosexuals if it's unfair to analogize these: it's like being a "closet suicidalist" in a world where, if you were to come out of the closet, people would shun you, arrest you, kill you, take away your freedom, take your pick... I know at least that it was like that being homosexual during certain time periods in certain parts of the world. Persecution's a bitch. Suicide is taboo, illegal and unacceptable in 21st century America. That's why I came here.
That went off the rails from history a bit, but I think I already made enough of a point about history anyway, and how certain memories just make a permanent imprint on perception.
6. CIRCUMSTANCE - This mainly focuses on my life now and how it will influence my life moving forward and what my options are, considering the rest of my life. When I came here to SS, I had in my mind that I wanted to CTB with a 12 Gauge shotgun. To me that was ideal and that was my dream. I made a few threads about that which discussed my circumstance and my goals and such. Obtaining a gun in California could be difficult - I haven't done extensive research yet. I for sure can't do it where I currently live. I live in shared housing in a half-way house/sober-living environment with other addicts, with a nearby office where counselors and administrators are running the program. Having a gun mailed to me would be too risky. I am planning on moving to a cheaper part of the state hopefully no later than September. Then thankfully I will be severed from this mental health/housing system I'm currently entangled with/housed by. Then I'll be renting my own place and receiving such mail I think would be safe. That being said, once I move I will really start to nail down some research and there shouldn't be anything stopping me from committing suicide by the end of the year.
Now the alternative of course: I would move to this cheaper place anyway where I wanted to move even before I planned to CTB. I think it will be a very accommodating place for me and so my living environment would improve hence uplifting my quality of life somewhat. Yay! ...but not enough yay I don't think. I'm still a person defined by categories 1 - 5. That will never change. It's too late for environment to play a crucial role. I would transfer my college credits to the local county community college and work towards what I am working towards now - transferring to a four-year university and obtaining a B.A. I COMPLETELY DESPISE SCHOLASTICS TO THE CORE - so achieving this seems just about impossible to me. I didn't even think I could earn a high school diploma. Let's just say somehow I pulled it off, got a B.A. and landed that white collar office job. What was my major? ....ehmm, English I guess. I don't even care. How should I even know. What would I be working on in this office? I don't know. Maybe I don't even care. Hmm. Just... don't know.
Or it just all is too much and I end up settling for an Associate's degree or even resorting to trade school to become a plumber, exterminator, painter, whatever... does it make a difference to me anymore? I have absolutely no idea what I am better off doing.... thankfully my parents are two successful people and I trust their guidance.
Anyway, I don't know what will result of successfully completing school and moving on to my career or whatever it is I end up doing with my life. I've considered being anything. It doesn't make a difference. I'm too depressed and I think there's just no chance for salvation anymore. I am most certainly absolutely hopeless. I have no interest in doing anything else in life, other than things which will cause me massive loss of control and hence tremendous suffering in the long run, being addictive substances and activities. I could just download digital media, watch movies and play RuneScape for the rest of my life, but those things are not worth sticking around for.
Well it's about time to be wrapping this up. I think I've conveyed and elaborated on all of my main reasons for suicide now. If you actually read my whole story and paid attention, BRAVO. I strongly admire you. You have my utmost appreciation. I didn't feel very excited while writing this and so I didn't think that it was going to read very excitingly. Suicide, like anything worthwhile in life, takes hard work. Now I really don't like to swear, it is not at all in my natural character I don't think - BUT to all of the people who say "Suicide is the easy way out" - I have one firm exclamation for you which in this case I believe is MOST appropriate - FUCK YOU! Why don't I just kill you too while I'm at it. (kidding...)
But I know people with that attitude most likely are not on this forum. I won't take any time to criticize anyone anymore anyway. My goal is to stay straying away from my emotional reactivity. A good, effective suicide is a real project though, and that's how I am treating it for me. Naturally I think the world wants me destroyed given the detriments of my 6 categories. This is who I am, this is how I was made and thus this is how and who I have become. Natural selection wants me dead. It wants me homeless, cold, starving and suffering as a result of my addiction and abnormal/unstable mental health. I have seen through the course of treatment. That was supposed to be the only positive intervention. Now it is time for my own personal intervention, a form of artificial selection, in which I control my fate, intervene with my destructive destiny by bringing my life to a complete sudden HALT - and ending it. It's all up to me. Nobody has my back. I'm all on my own here. I really want this to work. This is really what I want and I think it is the best thing that I could ever have given to myself. Because I love and want to protect myself, this is what I must do.
Thanks again for reading if you stuck through the whole thing. Even if you just skimmed, I am glad for your attention. I just want my honest story to exist somewhere. I want to be truthful and I want someone to know me.
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