disjectamembra
the universe is going to catch you
- Oct 1, 2024
- 57
theres just a lot on my mind right now and i dont have anyone to talk to so i will just post it here.
when i ordered SN at the beginning of the month i was 100% that i will ctb. ive been suicidal for 4 years and have tried to kms many times with different methods. the attempts were usually half assed and i didnt really know what i was doing anyways.
ive been on 4 different antidepressants and tried therapy but nothing has worked. i just get worse year by year. i have no support system, when i get really bad my mom just screams at me and belittles me and says so many hurtful things.
i also have autism and its like living in hell. im still in high school bcus i needed to repeat 2 years bcus of depression. this year i tried giving online school a try but i still cant do it, i have no energy. i work part time bcus i have no energy for a full time job, and even that is hard for me.
i also have no friends. i have no idea how to make connections anymore and anytime i talk to another human being i feel great discomfort. everything i say i later regret and find myself embarrassing. i feel so detached from society.
to make matters even worse i am also queer and have still not figured out my gender. i dont live in a really accepting country either so i feel like a freak all the time.
since ordering SN all i can think about is death and i feel even more miserable than before. i wish i had paid for express shipping, i dont want to be here any longer. i barely eat or take care of myself because everything is pointless now. im in my room all the time because the guilt and shame i feel when i talk or look at my family members, knowing that i soon wont be with them anymore, is unbearable. i feel so awful leaving them behind. our father passed away last year and it has been so hard on my siblings, ive been like sort of a parent figure and support beam for them for a while, im rhe oldest sibling btw. my mom will be so broken, even though she has hurt my feelings alot, im just so worried for her.
i really love the things earth has to offer, but i cant stay here anymore. if i stay alive i will live a miserable life anyway. my life is just full of disappointments and nothing ever goes my way. i dont think i will ever recover from depression. i just wish i was someone else somewhere else.
when i ordered SN at the beginning of the month i was 100% that i will ctb. ive been suicidal for 4 years and have tried to kms many times with different methods. the attempts were usually half assed and i didnt really know what i was doing anyways.
ive been on 4 different antidepressants and tried therapy but nothing has worked. i just get worse year by year. i have no support system, when i get really bad my mom just screams at me and belittles me and says so many hurtful things.
i also have autism and its like living in hell. im still in high school bcus i needed to repeat 2 years bcus of depression. this year i tried giving online school a try but i still cant do it, i have no energy. i work part time bcus i have no energy for a full time job, and even that is hard for me.
i also have no friends. i have no idea how to make connections anymore and anytime i talk to another human being i feel great discomfort. everything i say i later regret and find myself embarrassing. i feel so detached from society.
to make matters even worse i am also queer and have still not figured out my gender. i dont live in a really accepting country either so i feel like a freak all the time.
since ordering SN all i can think about is death and i feel even more miserable than before. i wish i had paid for express shipping, i dont want to be here any longer. i barely eat or take care of myself because everything is pointless now. im in my room all the time because the guilt and shame i feel when i talk or look at my family members, knowing that i soon wont be with them anymore, is unbearable. i feel so awful leaving them behind. our father passed away last year and it has been so hard on my siblings, ive been like sort of a parent figure and support beam for them for a while, im rhe oldest sibling btw. my mom will be so broken, even though she has hurt my feelings alot, im just so worried for her.
i really love the things earth has to offer, but i cant stay here anymore. if i stay alive i will live a miserable life anyway. my life is just full of disappointments and nothing ever goes my way. i dont think i will ever recover from depression. i just wish i was someone else somewhere else.
