I notice I am falling back into counterproductive habits. I study way too much. I panic a lot because of college. Next semester I will take less courses. It is way too dangerous for my health. Addictive medication is the only thing that prevents a relapse currently. It feels hellish.
I currently struggle to be friendly to myself. My superego is so strict towards me. I pressure me on an insane level.
One thing maybe an embarrassing one: I caress my arms and tell myself everything will be fine. I try that my inner voice says that. It slightly eases my anxiety. It is something my mom did when I was a child. (When she did not abuse me which was seldom. Sometimes it also was a very weird combination of comforting me after the abuse. No wonder someone goes nuts because of such a behavior.)
I try to look at me from a third perspective. I am so anxious to fail or not to get very good grades. But when I see other people aiming for perfect grades I tell them the grades do not mean much. In fact in job interviews many told me I was overqualified for the job. So it rather closed doors.
There are people with way worse grades who are way smarter than me. I am scared that someone caught me as a fraud. We talked and I asked stuoid questions he is so savvy. And I ruminate what he currently thinks about me. However objectively I think most people don't care about me and they don't analyze whether I am a fraud or not.
When I am overthinking and overanalyzing I try to give me a break. I take 2-3 deep breaths. I am not good in that but that is simply the nature of my brain. My consciousness consists full of racing thoughts. And the best thing that helps against it is medication. Also non-addictive one. I try to sedate me. And my anti-manic medication is a necessity for my health.
Personally I have to say the decision to take antipsychotics was one of the best decisions in my last years/ maybe in my whole life. Maybe the most decisive one. However it was not really a voluntary choice I was rather forced to it. I tried to live without them twice. And I was close to complete insanity and I was very socially awkward. My therapists the less engaged ones suspected I had either a personality disorder or that I had autism. Both is rather unlikely. To that time I concentrated 98% of my energy into my thought process to prevent becoming psychotic. When I could not shield the stress anymore I was close to a new psychosis. I developed psychotic symptoms. In fact I think my resilience became even less after a while. Honestly it was pretty insane what I did to prevent psychotic symptoms without medication. I try to describe it but most people will consider it nuts. I prohibited myself to think about issues that could trigger psychotic thoughts. I really forced myself only to think in depressive thought patterns because that was the only thing that stopped psychotic thoughts. I think it is hard to imagine what that really means. But I did that shit for like 1,5 years extreme psychosomatic pain included. One could say well what if this guy who struggled with sanity just pretends shit and this narration is influenced by inter-subjectivity.
Well I had an (horrible) therapist to that time. She always assured me I am not psychotic. I met competent professionals but she clearly was none. I was in deep pain and struggled a lot. She did not notice anything which is quite insane. She told me I would not need antipsychotics and rather increased my fears about them with some remarks. She later gave me up and considered I gonna ctb. This part is complex and has many nuances. She might be right with that. But her line of argumentation was complete nonsense. There was another therapist who saw how much I suffered, how agitated I was just by looking at me. And I had like 30 sessions with the other one and she did notice barely anything. She reinforced my thinking patterns. I was in a major depressive episode. And kind of fantasized some reasons for my allegedly "never-ending" depression. She really affirmed that notion and agreed on it. Holy shit I feel bad for her patients. I was deluded and thought (for a second time) my depression would never end which is unlikely considering I am probably bipolar.
Honestly not taking antipsychotics/ mood-stabilizers when you had psychosis/ have bipolar is in many cases not the best decision. I am only layman but in rare cases people with drug-induced psychosis (not schizophrenia) can live without antipsychotics. Take my words with a grain of salt. But I think many many with that condition relapse without medication. I met a lot of people who relapsed without them.
I am so glad I started to take antipsychotics. I was inter alia very scared about weight gain which I could prevent so far (you just have to stop eating lol - irony).
I postponed taking them until I had to face the decision either I don't take them and my psychotic symptoms develop into a psychotic episode,I could have killed myself or just accepting them as a necessity. And I am pretty glad I chose the right thing. My life quality is so much better with them I will never miss them. I will never stop taking them again. Without them I am just not sane. I also made progress in relation to my social awkwardness which developed during the period without medication.
They can have pretty nasty side effects. But life quality is more important. This thread was kind of derailed by my thought. But my conclusion is. Consider to take medication especially if you have a conditon like bipolar or psychosis. And if you have a pretty mediocre therapist don't be scared to search for a better one. I know it is often not that easy. But I benefited from that approach.
I currently struggle to be friendly to myself. My superego is so strict towards me. I pressure me on an insane level.
One thing maybe an embarrassing one: I caress my arms and tell myself everything will be fine. I try that my inner voice says that. It slightly eases my anxiety. It is something my mom did when I was a child. (When she did not abuse me which was seldom. Sometimes it also was a very weird combination of comforting me after the abuse. No wonder someone goes nuts because of such a behavior.)
I try to look at me from a third perspective. I am so anxious to fail or not to get very good grades. But when I see other people aiming for perfect grades I tell them the grades do not mean much. In fact in job interviews many told me I was overqualified for the job. So it rather closed doors.
There are people with way worse grades who are way smarter than me. I am scared that someone caught me as a fraud. We talked and I asked stuoid questions he is so savvy. And I ruminate what he currently thinks about me. However objectively I think most people don't care about me and they don't analyze whether I am a fraud or not.
When I am overthinking and overanalyzing I try to give me a break. I take 2-3 deep breaths. I am not good in that but that is simply the nature of my brain. My consciousness consists full of racing thoughts. And the best thing that helps against it is medication. Also non-addictive one. I try to sedate me. And my anti-manic medication is a necessity for my health.
Personally I have to say the decision to take antipsychotics was one of the best decisions in my last years/ maybe in my whole life. Maybe the most decisive one. However it was not really a voluntary choice I was rather forced to it. I tried to live without them twice. And I was close to complete insanity and I was very socially awkward. My therapists the less engaged ones suspected I had either a personality disorder or that I had autism. Both is rather unlikely. To that time I concentrated 98% of my energy into my thought process to prevent becoming psychotic. When I could not shield the stress anymore I was close to a new psychosis. I developed psychotic symptoms. In fact I think my resilience became even less after a while. Honestly it was pretty insane what I did to prevent psychotic symptoms without medication. I try to describe it but most people will consider it nuts. I prohibited myself to think about issues that could trigger psychotic thoughts. I really forced myself only to think in depressive thought patterns because that was the only thing that stopped psychotic thoughts. I think it is hard to imagine what that really means. But I did that shit for like 1,5 years extreme psychosomatic pain included. One could say well what if this guy who struggled with sanity just pretends shit and this narration is influenced by inter-subjectivity.
Well I had an (horrible) therapist to that time. She always assured me I am not psychotic. I met competent professionals but she clearly was none. I was in deep pain and struggled a lot. She did not notice anything which is quite insane. She told me I would not need antipsychotics and rather increased my fears about them with some remarks. She later gave me up and considered I gonna ctb. This part is complex and has many nuances. She might be right with that. But her line of argumentation was complete nonsense. There was another therapist who saw how much I suffered, how agitated I was just by looking at me. And I had like 30 sessions with the other one and she did notice barely anything. She reinforced my thinking patterns. I was in a major depressive episode. And kind of fantasized some reasons for my allegedly "never-ending" depression. She really affirmed that notion and agreed on it. Holy shit I feel bad for her patients. I was deluded and thought (for a second time) my depression would never end which is unlikely considering I am probably bipolar.
Honestly not taking antipsychotics/ mood-stabilizers when you had psychosis/ have bipolar is in many cases not the best decision. I am only layman but in rare cases people with drug-induced psychosis (not schizophrenia) can live without antipsychotics. Take my words with a grain of salt. But I think many many with that condition relapse without medication. I met a lot of people who relapsed without them.
I am so glad I started to take antipsychotics. I was inter alia very scared about weight gain which I could prevent so far (you just have to stop eating lol - irony).
I postponed taking them until I had to face the decision either I don't take them and my psychotic symptoms develop into a psychotic episode,I could have killed myself or just accepting them as a necessity. And I am pretty glad I chose the right thing. My life quality is so much better with them I will never miss them. I will never stop taking them again. Without them I am just not sane. I also made progress in relation to my social awkwardness which developed during the period without medication.
They can have pretty nasty side effects. But life quality is more important. This thread was kind of derailed by my thought. But my conclusion is. Consider to take medication especially if you have a conditon like bipolar or psychosis. And if you have a pretty mediocre therapist don't be scared to search for a better one. I know it is often not that easy. But I benefited from that approach.
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