mooncake
Student
- Aug 7, 2020
- 116
I've been really getting into how suicide affects the people left behind lately, and I feel this immense responsibility to make this as easy as possible for others. That includes the location from where I'm gonna ctb.
I yearn to fall asleep an just not wake up again, so comfort and cozyness was my main concern at first. So my ideal was to save up for some N, and curl up under my heavy blanket, curtains drawn, listening to my favorite music or watching a show. When I looked into how the grief process goes for most people, who lost someone unexpectedly, I found out how important it can be for the grieving to see and touched the passed person one more time to help let go and let reality sink in. For that, I'd have to be found soon after my bus left.
I live alone now, and there no family member or friend has a spare key to my apartment. If I gave one out now, I think people would become suspicious due to recent events. As long as I'm lowkey and don't do unusual things, my friends and family tend to not check on me at all though. So I fear I'd be found when decomposition would be already very noticeable. Besides..I'd prefer to be found by police, especially if I don't succeed in getting N, and have to resort to other methods that may make me look less than peaceful to others.
So my next thought was to ctb in a forest near my city, watching the sunset and sent a delayed e-mail with my location to someone. Don't know who I'd send it to yet though. However, it's much less comfortable to on the forest floor (I dont want to bring a picnic blanket or pillow to not catch attention to soon), plus thought of being incapacitated in public terrifies me.
And again there is the possibility to be found by random people or even kids and totally traumatizing them.
I'm sure Some of you will think it's strange that I care so much about what happens after my death, but I really can't shake this off. This crushing feeling guilt of being responsible for the feelings of others is part of my reasoning for ctb to begin with.
I yearn to fall asleep an just not wake up again, so comfort and cozyness was my main concern at first. So my ideal was to save up for some N, and curl up under my heavy blanket, curtains drawn, listening to my favorite music or watching a show. When I looked into how the grief process goes for most people, who lost someone unexpectedly, I found out how important it can be for the grieving to see and touched the passed person one more time to help let go and let reality sink in. For that, I'd have to be found soon after my bus left.
I live alone now, and there no family member or friend has a spare key to my apartment. If I gave one out now, I think people would become suspicious due to recent events. As long as I'm lowkey and don't do unusual things, my friends and family tend to not check on me at all though. So I fear I'd be found when decomposition would be already very noticeable. Besides..I'd prefer to be found by police, especially if I don't succeed in getting N, and have to resort to other methods that may make me look less than peaceful to others.
So my next thought was to ctb in a forest near my city, watching the sunset and sent a delayed e-mail with my location to someone. Don't know who I'd send it to yet though. However, it's much less comfortable to on the forest floor (I dont want to bring a picnic blanket or pillow to not catch attention to soon), plus thought of being incapacitated in public terrifies me.
And again there is the possibility to be found by random people or even kids and totally traumatizing them.
I'm sure Some of you will think it's strange that I care so much about what happens after my death, but I really can't shake this off. This crushing feeling guilt of being responsible for the feelings of others is part of my reasoning for ctb to begin with.
