Where to find energy to recover

[Hecubaa]

Sharing this here because it comes to me more easily than journaling and maybe it will spark some conversation. I'm trying to recover for two reasons 1. my pets 2. under no circumstances would I be willing to fail if I attempted and end up in a psychiatric facility.

I haven't been intently suicidal in the last few months but I haven't exactly had much desire to be alive either. I got fired from my previous job based on false allegations but was lucky enough to find another job fast enough, except I only make 1/2 the money I used to, which isn't enough for me to cover living expenses, let alone start paying off my debt, pay for an immigration lawyer (I desperately need one,) or start planning for the future.

I want to go back to school as studying things is what brings me joy (as long as no lectures are involved) but I cannot afford that. Going back to school is literally the only thing that could fix me right now. I'm thinking of becoming a veterinarian but I don't know how I could possibly afford taking all the pre-reqs and getting into vet school and such.

I also feel like both my mental and physical health are declining -- I don't have energy to do anything and I often feel either manically psychotic or dissociative and checked out. Since I've been fired from my previous job, I have intense anxiety that it will happen again, over and other, that I will always make the wrong impression. I'm also terrified of people at my new job at the vet clinic realizing that I have chronic suicidal ideation because I feel like that alone could get me fired because there are controlled substances in the clinic including euthanasia drugs.

I worry daily about the risk of getting deported. I feel lonely because it seems like I have never had a healthy friendship and I haven't been in a mutual loving relationship in years. I don't like my appearance or my personality. I no longer feel like I am unusually intellectually gifted -- I recognize that potential in me but I believe it has been entirely wasted at this point.

I don't even know what are the main things that are wrong with me but I want to be better and not feel so insane and worthless.

That's my incoherent rant. Thank you!
P.S. Please tell me honestly if this post seems like it was written by someone with severe psychiatric issues. Trying to figure out if I am insane is a big part of my struggles right now and, while I know forum opinions are not a diagnostic and I need to see a psychiatrist, I would appreciate having an idea about it until I can finally afford seeing a specialist.

 

[foggyskies_]

I wouldn't say it seems like it's "written by someone insane", but it's very clear that you're struggling and need help. I can kind of see the way you'd be shaking while writing this. I can only imagine how stressed out you must be with all that on your plate, you're incredibly strong for sticking things out with all that bs. I'm sure your pets are grateful to have such a brave owner.

Looking into apprenticeships or intern opportunities might help? It's not the same as a degree, but it'll add to your resume and help you get something higher-paying. Try to take it easy though, medical jobs and such intense anxiety, mania, dissociation with financial issues is a perfect recipe for burnout. Honestly, you seem to be burnt out already with the lack of energy. You have more worth than you're able to see. Good luck with everything, and please stay safe. ICE is getting stationed everywhere now so please be vigilant. ♡

Edit: I misread the last bit, sorry! Your case absolutely seems severe. Psychosis and dissociation are no joke, especially when combined with chronic SI. I hope you can afford a specialist soon!