Sadwind
want to go
- Sep 21, 2019
- 76
So after I started taking my meds I've felt much more able to conquer life. Though, I oscillate between hope and hopelessness daily. I thought maybe I could make this "life" thing work out. But really I don't know how to stop my suicidal thoughts. Deep down I just want to die. I've been hating myself since I was 7. I remember my first suicidal thought. I was sitting on the couch at 6 or 7 years old and I watched my family walk all around me. I felt invisible. I felt like I was born to just exist, with no real needs outside of food and shelter. My tender emotional self was completely neglected, humiliated and ultimately rejected by my mother. It felt so alienating to be not noticed. I looked down at my legs, and I had the feeling that I wanted my blood to just...stop. I wanted to die, but I couldn't really recognize fully what that meant. I could only accept part of it; there simply was too much attached to the idea for my little mind to grasp.
Growing up, I always just ignored that feeling. What I was doing was deluding myself. I thought I could make it as far as I can ignoring these feelings. That's the real meat and bones of this website and my predicament. Is being suicidal irrational? Am I really crazy for wanting out? I think you're crazy for wanting to live. This world is a shitty lottery. I was raised by an overt narcissist. I'd give anything just to have a drunk father who beat me. I long for that kind of abuse, instead of what I actually received. This world is full of unseen and horrific pain, psychological torture, and those who choose to end their lives have my utmost respect. I wish I had your courage. I long for the strength to say goodbye, to give up. I want to so badly sometimes.
I have decided that regardless, I need an exit strategy. I am going to get N if I can, and use it on a rainy day when I can't take any more. It will feel so good to wield the power over my destiny in my own hand. Maybe knowing that I could go at any time will help me hang on longer. Maybe I could keep it in a safe place, and simultaneously keep some peace of mind long enough to accomplish something. Probably not. But I know I'm going to go by my own hand, eventually. It's just a matter of time.
I am too fragile for this world, this reality. It stings me more than I can bear.
Someone broke my phone tonight, ripped it out of my hand and smashed it. It was the only outlet I had to the outside world, the only place that I could be heard and noticed. I thankfully have my PC still so I can talk here. This place really is wonderful. I know when I go, I will be able to connect with you all when I finally do it. It may be a while from now, maybe a year or two... I don't know. I just have to get to a place emotionally where I can gather my strength. Thank you all for noticing me. It feels so unbelievably soothing to be seen, for someone to know me and what I'm going through.
Growing up, I always just ignored that feeling. What I was doing was deluding myself. I thought I could make it as far as I can ignoring these feelings. That's the real meat and bones of this website and my predicament. Is being suicidal irrational? Am I really crazy for wanting out? I think you're crazy for wanting to live. This world is a shitty lottery. I was raised by an overt narcissist. I'd give anything just to have a drunk father who beat me. I long for that kind of abuse, instead of what I actually received. This world is full of unseen and horrific pain, psychological torture, and those who choose to end their lives have my utmost respect. I wish I had your courage. I long for the strength to say goodbye, to give up. I want to so badly sometimes.
I have decided that regardless, I need an exit strategy. I am going to get N if I can, and use it on a rainy day when I can't take any more. It will feel so good to wield the power over my destiny in my own hand. Maybe knowing that I could go at any time will help me hang on longer. Maybe I could keep it in a safe place, and simultaneously keep some peace of mind long enough to accomplish something. Probably not. But I know I'm going to go by my own hand, eventually. It's just a matter of time.
I am too fragile for this world, this reality. It stings me more than I can bear.
Someone broke my phone tonight, ripped it out of my hand and smashed it. It was the only outlet I had to the outside world, the only place that I could be heard and noticed. I thankfully have my PC still so I can talk here. This place really is wonderful. I know when I go, I will be able to connect with you all when I finally do it. It may be a while from now, maybe a year or two... I don't know. I just have to get to a place emotionally where I can gather my strength. Thank you all for noticing me. It feels so unbelievably soothing to be seen, for someone to know me and what I'm going through.
