Discussion Where do your suicidal thoughts come from?

[Dap]

Simple question I was asking myself.
When I get these thoughts, where do they come from?

For me I'd say it is about :
- one part self loathe
- one part wanting some kind of suffering to end (in my case loneliness)
- three parts despair in the face of systemic structures that I hate and cannot change

I'm curious to hear where you think yours come from.

Love you
- Dap

 

[ma0]

Where do they come from? Uhm.... My mind??

I'm joking of course, but in all seriousness I think, like you, it all comes down to 3 major points:
- Crippling loneliness and lack of geniune human connection
- Anger at myself for not doing more when I had the chance
- Feeling of being trapped in a system that prohibits creativity and freedom

I could maybe go into a bit more detail, but nobody wants to hear about that :P

 

[citrusrope]

For me:

- Being "lazy" and not wanting to do any sort of work/being unable to get myself to work doesn't really mix well with living in any society, and especially not in a capitalistic one.
- I can never seem to fit right within society. It's not even as if I'm dramatically ostracized or anything but something always just makes me feel off when I'm participating in society and social scenarios. I feel like an alien. Like I'm missing something fundamental. Maybe I'm too self aware for my own good, y'know the whole ignorance is bliss thing? I think I'm too aware of what being alive on this planet means.
- I have really bad anxiety, a bunch of phobias, and I'm physically not that healthy. It sucks.
- This world sucks balls. There's so many mean & nasty people and I think this world has a serious lack-of-empathy problem. I dunno.

My reasons for being depressed is complicated but also it really isn't in a way.

 

[Unbelonging]

I think mine are completely from loneliness. No one has ever loved me in my entire life and no one ever will. I'm kind of like an alien. I just can't connect with anyone. I have met many people in my life and I am different from all of them and from everyone who has ever existed or who ever will exist. I'm just not human. I'm literally not a human, there's something missing in me that all other humans have. Something about my existence is just very wrong and everyone I meet is able to tell. Everyone seems to have some primitive, subconscious instinct to avoid whatever it is that I am and it has resulted in me never being loved by anyone for my entire life. Even the kindest people I have ever met are unable to stand me. It's just how I was created, I guess. I was born this way and I've lived like this my entire life. I have always had this horrible fear and dread in me, since the first conscious moments that I can remember as a toddler, that no one would ever love me. And every single action I have ever done (I really mean every single one, I'm not exaggerating) all my life has been to get me closer to that end goal of having someone to love me. But nothing works. I'm tired of just coming home and lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling for hours, taking comfort in the fact that every second was getting me closer and closer to death and out of my lonely misery. I have done this since I was a child, just coming home from school and idly passing time or staring at the wall until bedtime, when I could then take comfort in the fact that I was now a day closer to the end. But I don't want to wait until my natural death anymore and this hollowness in my chest that I have had since I was born is getting bigger and more painful every second and I can't bear it anymore. It is just so terrifying, not existing at the same level as the rest of the world, and knowing, every second that I am conscious, that I am all alone in this infinite universe. Every day for my whole life has just been so gloomy and dull and dreary and having someone love me and be able to connect with me would bring me great joy. But I suppose there was some unknown error or some horrible mistake took place when I was created, and the processes that nature has to correct these errors didn't work and I didn't die as a fetus. I was meant to remain in nonexistence with all the other potential humans that were never born because of some mistake during their creation that made them incompatible with life. But I didn't die and I slipped through the cracks somehow and came into existence with some essential part of me missing and never formed. I was never supposed to be born and be here, alive, in the world, but I am and I feel the wrongness of my existence every second that I am conscious, and thinking of my future only causes dread and terror. Sorry...I know this comment got long. But that's what causes me to be suicidal. I am just so lonely and incapable of being loved or connecting with others and there is no solution. I hope we are both able to find peace.

 

[Namelesa]

I have both logical and emotional reasons for being suicidal.

• philosophical reasons in that no harm can be done to someone that is dead as they don't feel anything in non-existence.
• recovery isn't guaranteed.
• intense guilt for some actions I have done leading me to thinking it would be morally better for me to die so I can't hurt anyone.
• I feel mostly empty and bored of this repetitive life.
• If I try to do something to fill the void it often causes more painful emotions or it failing leading to me being mentally worse.
• hate my parents for creating and trapping me so they deserve to be punished by my suicide.

 

[Dap]

I could maybe go into a bit more detail, but nobody wants to hear about that :P

I'd love to hear more. Both your answer and your name tell me our brains might look somewhat alike.

 

[ma0]

I'd love to hear more. Both your answer and your name tell me our brains might look somewhat alike.

Lol, if you're that bored then maybe I'll share some more later.

 

[grapevoid]

- Anxiety. There's a lot to unpack there but that's the general reason. My anxiety is unbearable.
- hopelessness, I don't see a viable way to fix/make things better and I feel that my life has become more of a burden than useful.
- An overall feeling of displacement. I feel disconnected and as if I don't belong here anymore.

 

[CravingPeace]

I have this overwhelming sense that I am "too far gone", that I cannot right the ship called my life. I had a substantial career trajectory that was sent off the rails when I had a manic (?) episode triggered from binge drinking long term. I pushed all my family away during that period, but they are responsible for my traumatic experiences of every type of abuse during childhood, so I'm keeping them cut off - still, life is very lonely without family.

I had a car accident that led me to requiring spinal surgery back in 2021 at the risk of being paralyzed. I'm 29 now, and my legs are still partially numb. I've always been a physically weak man, but after the surgery I've been terrified of hitting the gym because of fear of furthering my neuropathy.

Because I'm not physically fit, it is damn near impossible to find a woman that meets the incredibly high, unrealistic standards I've subconsciously set for a partner. wish I could shake this standard but it seems ingrained, and I'm further lonely because of this.

I have no desire to better myself. Like, logically and consciously I do, but something intrinsic and subconscious has me petrified of positive change. The cognitive dissonance I have from knowing that all I need to do is make small, positive actions that I know aren't difficult, and the fact that I STILL cannot do these things, causes mental torment.

I wish I could've been born to a different, non-evil family. I wish I didn't spend my formative years using weed and alcohol instead of forming positive hobbies. I am a shell of a human being. I already suffer so much, I can't fathom the good in sticking out with life just so the suffering can intensify.

I've done psychedelics, including DMT, and know what being one with the universe feels like, I know what the loving embrace of Source, the Void, feels like. I know that is what's on the other side. Why wait to get there?

 

[Dap]

I have this overwhelming sense that I am "too far gone", that I cannot right the ship called my life. I had a substantial career trajectory that was sent off the rails when I had a manic (?) episode triggered from binge drinking long term. I pushed all my family away during that period, but they are responsible for my traumatic experiences of every type of abuse during childhood, so I'm keeping them cut off - still, life is very lonely without family.

I had a car accident that led me to requiring spinal surgery back in 2021 at the risk of being paralyzed. I'm 29 now, and my legs are still partially numb. I've always been a physically weak man, but after the surgery I've been terrified of hitting the gym because of fear of furthering my neuropathy.

Because I'm not physically fit, it is damn near impossible to find a woman that meets the incredibly high, unrealistic standards I've subconsciously set for a partner. wish I could shake this standard but it seems ingrained, and I'm further lonely because of this.

I have no desire to better myself. Like, logically and consciously I do, but something intrinsic and subconscious has me petrified of positive change. The cognitive dissonance I have from knowing that all I need to do is make small, positive actions that I know aren't difficult, and the fact that I STILL cannot do these things, causes mental torment.

I wish I could've been born to a different, non-evil family. I wish I didn't spend my formative years using weed and alcohol instead of forming positive hobbies. I am a shell of a human being. I already suffer so much, I can't fathom the good in sticking out with life just so the suffering can intensify.

I've done psychedelics, including DMT, and know what being one with the universe feels like, I know what the loving embrace of Source, the Void, feels like. I know that is what's on the other side. Why wait to get there?

I felt that really deep inside.
Thank you for sharing

 

[timmy_o]

My therapist says they come from "dissociative parts" in my head.
I'm not convinced of this. I feel like the diagnosis is pretty blanket for people who are depressed/suicidal without a concrete explanation. I barely meet criteria for it.
For me they come most often when I imagine living an entire long life in conflict with my core values.

 

[yehxlder.666]

Philosophical reasons. I believe life is about death, so i dont have much reasons to live for, i feel like its pointless to keep going, not in a painful way. I also feel like ive experienced pretty much everything i wanted to, now i feel empty, lonely, and wish death for myself.

 

[Fall_Apart]

My main reasons are:
1. I do not accept the evil design of existence
2. Sooner or later we will lose all the things we love
3. There is a potential for pain and suffering that we cannot even imagine
4. I do not accept natural death
5. Logical suicide is always the best solution compared to suffering that leads us to death anyway
6. Life is meaningless

 

[divinemistress36]

I have this overwhelming sense that I am "too far gone", that I cannot right the ship called my life. I had a substantial career trajectory that was sent off the rails when I had a manic (?) episode triggered from binge drinking long term. I pushed all my family away during that period, but they are responsible for my traumatic experiences of every type of abuse during childhood, so I'm keeping them cut off - still, life is very lonely without family.

I had a car accident that led me to requiring spinal surgery back in 2021 at the risk of being paralyzed. I'm 29 now, and my legs are still partially numb. I've always been a physically weak man, but after the surgery I've been terrified of hitting the gym because of fear of furthering my neuropathy.

Because I'm not physically fit, it is damn near impossible to find a woman that meets the incredibly high, unrealistic standards I've subconsciously set for a partner. wish I could shake this standard but it seems ingrained, and I'm further lonely because of this.

I have no desire to better myself. Like, logically and consciously I do, but something intrinsic and subconscious has me petrified of positive change. The cognitive dissonance I have from knowing that all I need to do is make small, positive actions that I know aren't difficult, and the fact that I STILL cannot do these things, causes mental torment.

I wish I could've been born to a different, non-evil family. I wish I didn't spend my formative years using weed and alcohol instead of forming positive hobbies. I am a shell of a human being. I already suffer so much, I can't fathom the good in sticking out with life just so the suffering can intensify.

I've done psychedelics, including DMT, and know what being one with the universe feels like, I know what the loving embrace of Source, the Void, feels like. I know that is what's on the other side. Why wait to get there?

Dmt sounds awesome I heard you feel connected to the universe and makes you fear death less

 

[CravingPeace]

Dmt sounds awesome I heard you feel connected to the universe and makes you fear death less

Very much so. In fact, I yearn for it..

 

[Igotaplane]

For me I think it comes from a few things


1) I think part of it comes from mental illness and learned behavior. With BPD when I get upset enough I get violent suicidal thoughts and tend to act on them in some way, so when I feel that way since it's common to get these suicidal thoughts and act on them I think I've learned over time that's just the learned behavior

2) not feeling like a good person, I put a lot of emphasis on being a morally good person and when I feel like I'm not upholding my standards I get very upset at myself.

3) I think general displeasure with life also ads to my distain for wanting to see it through to the end idk


Idk if this made any sense but yeah

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

Simple question I was asking myself.
When I get these thoughts, where do they come from?

For me I'd say it is about :
- one part self loathe
- one part wanting some kind of suffering to end (in my case loneliness)
- three parts despair in the face of systemic structures that I hate and cannot change

I'm curious to hear where you think yours come from.

Love you
- Dap

The impossibility of achieving the only reason my life would be worth living: a loyal, happy, attractive wife. Women have been the only thing that have held me together in my life. Without them, I don't have any options. Sounds pathetic and simpy tbh. But it's true.

 

[Eudaimonic]

I could go into detail, but there'd not be much point when, in essence, it's psychache making me want to die - the pain of frustrated desires - the same thing in myriad forms. I just want the suffering and hopelessness to end. But, also, I am afraid that things may get even worse in the future.

 

[party?]

Anger. A lot of anger. I don't why and how i became like this but i've always been so along with the constant oscillation of my emotions from one extreme to the other. I don't hurt anyone, I try my best not to. It only makes sense to end my life so i don't become a burden to others and myself. There are a few who love me or at least like me a tiny bit but i still feel unloved as if i need to be babied constantly to feel anything. This only adds to support of my ideations. I can't love myself, i can't feel loved by others thus making me incapable of loving others as well, always scared of something. This is a tiring existence and i can't wait for the day when i finally end it.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Because fksafjsakjsaklsafjgsnaksanklajvl;asklkasjkl;akgbasbljkbkasjbhla;bjlaskblaskblakhblaskgla;sjgaks;jgak EVERYTHING SUCKS. Everyone hates everyone. I'm very angry and I'm very VERY pissed off about it so I get angrier that way, if I could generate energy based on that, I would have the nobel prize for discovering infinite free energy.

 

[Darkover]

physical injury and pain

 

[Blue Dream]

Have you gone blind into an RPG, rolled a character and realized 2/3 of the way through the game that you customized your class and stats horribly?

My suicidal thoughts come from feeling like this about my life.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Something like 15% is childhood related. So- both remembering problems in childhood. Mourning dead family members. Also quite possibly, ideation became such a common part of my thought processes since age 10, some of it is likely ingrained now.

15% fear of the future. Old age, likely illness, greater difficulty working, lack of finances in retirement, natural (and possibly prolongued) illness and death.

70% is effectively a rejection of life itsef as it unchangeably is. I'm sick of my life revolving around earning money to support a life I don't even want! It's actually ludicrous when thought about logically. Why would anyone pay for something they don't want to do?

It's not that I'm unable to enjoy things though. So- it's not anhedonia or depression necessarily. It's just that- in my experience, the amount of effort required to sustain a reasonable life simply exceeds the return.

 

[FuneralCry]

My wish to cease existing is a response to existence, wanting to not exist really is all I know and is all I could ever wish for no matter what, I just don't want to suffer at all in any way rather I just want peace instead and only eternal non-existence can bring me any peace, I'd always prefer to not exist than suffer in this futile, torturous existence I always saw as a mistake. Non-existence is preferable for me as after all there are no disadvantages to being permanently unable to suffer yet there is no limit as to how unbearable the agony of existing can get just for one to be tortured by old age and die anyway, for me only non-existence is positive and desirable, I wish I was never burdened with this existence of unnecessary suffering more than anything.

 

[JesiBel]

No hope, no future, things always get worse. It's like I have a curse. Fighting hard only to get more misery and suffering.

In these years, have things improved, have I been happy even once? What illusory fantasy makes me think that things will ever change? The reality is quite clear. This (world) is not my place.

Is it misfortune, fate, bad luck? Until when is it "healthy" to continue to endure everything and not fall into madness?

It's all like a bad comedy.

 

[sximii]

Lots of things, but the easiest way to explain it is that with BPD I'm chronically suicidal

 

[WhenIBreathe]

Loneliness. Self hatred. Loss of all hope. Physical decline. Feeling and knowing I don't belong anywhere. The unbearable weight of the mistakes I've made.

 

[Reflection]

Heartbreak, and some loneliness. I wish I could say something else but that's all.

 

[neonzebra]

For me it's abject loneliness.
I have some family about but no one I am close to anymore.
I have some friends but they are mostly partnered off or have kids and their own fulfilled lives and I'm a sideline to that. I don't have any special person anymore.
Romantic relationships have all been awful.
I am also poor as fuck.

 

[Permanoir]

I don't want to live with my intersex condition and the miserable life it has given me