When you're so clueless to your own feelings that you don't even know if you're really suicidal or not

[Cauliflour]

I don't know if this was brought up in my autism diagnosis but I think I have alexithymia, which basically means I can't read my emotions for shit! How am I? Good question, I don't know! It's really fucking annoying me cause I can tell something's going on in my stomach but I can't tell for the life of me if that's supposed to be hunger, fullness or what. It's even worse when it's period time cause the cramps are in a similar place and I genuinely can't tell the difference so I just gotta think logically based on how much food I ate last meal and how long ago was it, and it's not really fool proof cause it can be like 15 minutes after eating a big meal and I feel something. Then touch sensitivity likes to fuck with me by making random body parts feel weird all of a sudden for no reason so I don't even know if it's actually a feeling or not. This is why I've never bothered with therapy because describing how I feel and talking personally about myself are 2 things I can't do for the life of me and I get so annoyed at myself when I see these posts of people here who are like "I am so miserable, I know what to do now" cause I'm so jealous: you guys can actually figure out where on the suicide scale you are. I could be horribly depressed for all I know but I don't have a pile of rubbish in my room or terrible hygiene habits, mostly cause I force myself to keep looking presentable to keep possible motivation levels as high as I can cause if it's really high then I can read it and figure out what to do with my day.

I can feel annoyance and anger quite easily, as well as anxiety. Dunno about the other emotions as then I'm doing guesswork based on like if I feel the need to wave my arms around.