I did an introduction post here so rather than repeat myself... 
Had a few OD failures recently, 4 in the space of weeks but this woke up the mental health team and because the police were involved and I didn't self rescue (I fucking hate when they use that word) I was eventually sectioned in May but managed to get off it after 4 days. This was the first time I was sectioned. A week later I took another OD.
I'm diagnosed with BPD / EUPD but in no way do I meet the criteria for that, I definitely meet the criteria for Bipolar, mostly agitated mixed episodes which occur religiously twice a year along with periods of depression and hypomania. It's when I'm agitated and not sleeping that the suicidal state of mind appears and eventually I try but not before putting everything in order, paperwork, decluttering, funeral plan etc.
The mental health team who don't support me know how much I don't agree with there stupid diagnosis for various reasons.
After 9 weeks of agitated depression and me barely sleeping, I've now found myself in the midst of another depressed episode which if like previous years will last about 4 weeks before switching into another episode of agitated depression and the whole cycle starts again.
I simply cannot carry on like this, so it's time to find a way to end my life as painlessly as I can.
One of my biggest issues is leaving my dad behind since it's only me and him, we live separately but I can't keep carrying on for other people. I have nothing to carry on for and live in fear of the agitated depression returning. My life is meaningless and pointless these days. As much as I love my dad I just can't wait for him to die so I can end my life.
There's no chance of help from mental health services, so I really have no fight left.
OD's have always been my preferred choice with prescription meds, this time I tried to make it to a bridge after the OD but was found passed out on the street, hence the police involvement.
I've ruled out hanging because physically I'm not fit enough to carry that out, have thought of things like crashing the car but there is no guarantee I would CTB by this method.
I'll aim to keep all posts about me and my plans to one post if I can.
Had a few OD failures recently, 4 in the space of weeks but this woke up the mental health team and because the police were involved and I didn't self rescue (I fucking hate when they use that word) I was eventually sectioned in May but managed to get off it after 4 days. This was the first time I was sectioned. A week later I took another OD.
I'm diagnosed with BPD / EUPD but in no way do I meet the criteria for that, I definitely meet the criteria for Bipolar, mostly agitated mixed episodes which occur religiously twice a year along with periods of depression and hypomania. It's when I'm agitated and not sleeping that the suicidal state of mind appears and eventually I try but not before putting everything in order, paperwork, decluttering, funeral plan etc.
The mental health team who don't support me know how much I don't agree with there stupid diagnosis for various reasons.
After 9 weeks of agitated depression and me barely sleeping, I've now found myself in the midst of another depressed episode which if like previous years will last about 4 weeks before switching into another episode of agitated depression and the whole cycle starts again.
I simply cannot carry on like this, so it's time to find a way to end my life as painlessly as I can.
One of my biggest issues is leaving my dad behind since it's only me and him, we live separately but I can't keep carrying on for other people. I have nothing to carry on for and live in fear of the agitated depression returning. My life is meaningless and pointless these days. As much as I love my dad I just can't wait for him to die so I can end my life.
There's no chance of help from mental health services, so I really have no fight left.
OD's have always been my preferred choice with prescription meds, this time I tried to make it to a bridge after the OD but was found passed out on the street, hence the police involvement.
I've ruled out hanging because physically I'm not fit enough to carry that out, have thought of things like crashing the car but there is no guarantee I would CTB by this method.
I'll aim to keep all posts about me and my plans to one post if I can.
