missporcelain
New Member
- Sep 24, 2023
- 4
Does anyone ever feel internally isolated because you refuse to treat others poorly and don't want to make them your emotional punching bag, yet wish you could scream into the world that you're really struggling and you're not okay? The winter lows have really hit hard this year. The manic surges make me feel like I'm flying so high above the ground and I impulsively agree to things, make risky choices, and feel almost invincible to the world. I'm creative, productive, make myself look like a knockout, talk to guys, say "Yes" to as much as possible, and I think that's what people associate with me.
And then comes the low. It's like I power myself to outwardly match how others perceive me, while internally I am falling a part. I am open and honest, but I have also felt judged and not taken seriously and seen as dramatic when I express that I am not doing well. I feel like there's this whole layer and inner world I keep hidden so freakishly well. Part of me likes that and the fact that I can look pretty and function like a normal human to others even when I am at the lowest of lows. Last year, I took medication that wasn't mine, had a "plan", landed in a mental hospital one night, spent part of the winter on anti-depressants, and no one had a clue. My family, my closest friends...no one knows. People look at me like I have everything going for me and am told I am "killing it" in life, but truthfully, I really want to die and escape the world so many times. The lows feel so intense and it feels like life itself is gutted from me. It's like I mentally say, "Fuck it" to everything and I go into my hiding phase. I toss and turn at night, oversleep or undersleep, exercise to feel skinnier and less emotional "weight", and just want the world to go away. I feel like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and everything is up to me. I think because people see me as "successful" and well dressed to the eye, it is assumed that I am fine and can manage life solo. In reality, I want so badly for someone to see me and help bear the burden. I feel so much pressure and expectations that I cannot meet. I even get repulsed by people's kindness and goodness to me, as though I don't deserve it and a knife to my chest would be better. I have people in my life who love me, but they don't know me or see me or get me or believe me to these levels. I feel so hidden. And it's hard because I like looking the part and even fool myself sometimes. But internally, I am withering away. I think about death all the time. I don't understand why people fight so hard to live just to add numbers to their days, when reality is that 100% of us will die someday, it's just a matter of time. I feel like I've seen enough of the world. The highs do not outweigh the lowest of lows. When I feel unheard or rejected or unseen or like a burden or misunderstood, it eats at me to levels that bring me to this crippling numbness. It sucks because I will schedule an appointment for the psychiatrist and consider getting back on medication when I am stuck in the low, but then the mania and its delusional euphoria come for a visit, and I cancel everything and convince myself I'm fine. I see death in a very beautiful, life giving kind of way and through a lens of escaping this life to an even better life where I am limitless and safe and with God. The experiences of being in that limbo between death and life, how comforting and the overwhelming sense of being loved, reminds me that we are spiritual beings having a temporary human experience. And as I sit here and overthink and ruminate, it makes me wonder if I would be doing a favor to myself by leaving this world of a temporary human experience on my own terms and a bit earlier than if I chose to stay and keep going.
Life, to me, feels very Ecclesiastes. Meaningful...yet...meaningless.
And then comes the low. It's like I power myself to outwardly match how others perceive me, while internally I am falling a part. I am open and honest, but I have also felt judged and not taken seriously and seen as dramatic when I express that I am not doing well. I feel like there's this whole layer and inner world I keep hidden so freakishly well. Part of me likes that and the fact that I can look pretty and function like a normal human to others even when I am at the lowest of lows. Last year, I took medication that wasn't mine, had a "plan", landed in a mental hospital one night, spent part of the winter on anti-depressants, and no one had a clue. My family, my closest friends...no one knows. People look at me like I have everything going for me and am told I am "killing it" in life, but truthfully, I really want to die and escape the world so many times. The lows feel so intense and it feels like life itself is gutted from me. It's like I mentally say, "Fuck it" to everything and I go into my hiding phase. I toss and turn at night, oversleep or undersleep, exercise to feel skinnier and less emotional "weight", and just want the world to go away. I feel like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and everything is up to me. I think because people see me as "successful" and well dressed to the eye, it is assumed that I am fine and can manage life solo. In reality, I want so badly for someone to see me and help bear the burden. I feel so much pressure and expectations that I cannot meet. I even get repulsed by people's kindness and goodness to me, as though I don't deserve it and a knife to my chest would be better. I have people in my life who love me, but they don't know me or see me or get me or believe me to these levels. I feel so hidden. And it's hard because I like looking the part and even fool myself sometimes. But internally, I am withering away. I think about death all the time. I don't understand why people fight so hard to live just to add numbers to their days, when reality is that 100% of us will die someday, it's just a matter of time. I feel like I've seen enough of the world. The highs do not outweigh the lowest of lows. When I feel unheard or rejected or unseen or like a burden or misunderstood, it eats at me to levels that bring me to this crippling numbness. It sucks because I will schedule an appointment for the psychiatrist and consider getting back on medication when I am stuck in the low, but then the mania and its delusional euphoria come for a visit, and I cancel everything and convince myself I'm fine. I see death in a very beautiful, life giving kind of way and through a lens of escaping this life to an even better life where I am limitless and safe and with God. The experiences of being in that limbo between death and life, how comforting and the overwhelming sense of being loved, reminds me that we are spiritual beings having a temporary human experience. And as I sit here and overthink and ruminate, it makes me wonder if I would be doing a favor to myself by leaving this world of a temporary human experience on my own terms and a bit earlier than if I chose to stay and keep going.
Life, to me, feels very Ecclesiastes. Meaningful...yet...meaningless.
