When you realize nothing matters, it makes it so much easier to let go

[ScorpiusDragon]

Ultimately, the idea of "following your passions" is a myth because everything is controlled by money. There is no passion in working a typical 9-5 job because you are essentially grinding away to keep the company's clients happy and making money for some boss who sees you as a replaceable cog on the wheel. Even in the more "creative" fields, who you know and who likes you matters more than real talent. If you are a socially anxious recluse like me, you will struggle.

The stuff you learn in school? 90% of it is bullshit that isn't applicable in the real world. Most of "learning" is just rote memorization in which you grind away, memorizing information that you won't remember after the next test. The end goal is a piece of paper called a diploma. Even if most of the "knowledge" you attain is pointless in the real world, that piece of paper is a necessity for you to get your foot in the door for the higher paying jobs. And even then, it's no guarantee.

The only thing that has given me any true joy in my 25 years of life is the human connections I've made. Online friends, IRL friends. But everyone ended up drifting out of my life. If there is one thing "friendship" has taught me, it's that everyone is ultimately replaceable. This realization alone makes me less inclined to want to make new friends. If I accidentally get close to someone, I'll throw my whole heart into the friendship, for better or worse. But then, it will hurt all the more when that person eventually fades out of my life.

 

[any%]

I am with you there. I only started to study cause I want to postpone the working-as-a-xy-thing. I look back at over 5 years studying at university & soon I will be holding my master degree. And just like you say it is just a piece of paper. At least you got some human connections going for you :) I stopped making new friends with like 15. 10+ years later and I didnt make new friends at all.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

I am with you there. I only started to study cause I want to postpone the working-as-a-xy-thing. I look back at over 5 years studying at university & soon I will be holding my master degree. And just like you say it is just a piece of paper. At least you got some human connections going for you :) I stopped making new friends with like 15. 10+ years later and I didnt make new friends at all.

I have IRL "friends" but most of them faded out of my life. Most of them wouldn't even know if I died because they are busy with their lives. I'm closer to my online friends than I am to almost all my IRL friends, but I get the feeling they will eventually fade away too because life happens.

 

[Fadingfast]

I wouldn't say it's easy... I have everything planned but I'm still scared. I don't mind the idea of nothing, it's the fear of the pain I will probably endure from jumping. It's leaving behind confused and hurt family. I know it isn't the best method but its what my circumstances present me with. I'm supposed to leave in an hour or so. I just said a long good bye to my cat. Idk if I'll be brave enough to do this.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

I wouldn't say it's easy... I have everything planned but I'm still scared. I don't mind the idea of nothing, it's the fear of the pain I will probably endure from jumping. It's leaving behind confused and hurt family. I know it isn't the best method but its what my circumstances present me with. I'm supposed to leave in an hour or so. I just said a long good bye to my cat. Idk if I'll be brave enough to do this.

To be honest, I'm actually more afraid of being alone than I am of dying. When I commit suicide, I'll probably drink N or SN in a hotel room. It's unsettling to think I'm really and truly alone as I pass into the unknown.
In the ideal world, I'd want to be surrounded by people I care about in my final moments. My boyfriend holding my hand. But if I tell anyone I know IRL about my plans, the first thing they'll do is call the police.
Most elderly people who die of natural causes in their old age probably imagine themselves dying peacefully in bed as they are surrounded by their loved ones. But because I plan to end my life prematurely, I won't have this option.

 

[Fadingfast]

To be honest, I'm actually more afraid of being alone than I am of dying. When I commit suicide, I'll probably drink N or SN in a hotel room. It's unsettling to think I'm really and truly alone as I pass into the unknown.
In the ideal world, I'd want to be surrounded by people I care about in my final moments. My boyfriend holding my hand. But if I tell anyone I know IRL about my plans, the first thing they'll do is call the police.
Most elderly people who die of natural causes in their old age probably imagine themselves dying peacefully in bed as they are surrounded by their loved ones. But because I plan to end my life prematurely, I won't have this option.

I'm sorry we live in a world that makes it impossible for you to have your wish. I'm not sure of your circimstances but I know you must be hurting if you're here on this site. I know the feeling of having the cops called. If I don't follow thru with my plan by Wednesday I will meet with my psychiatrist and he will have me commited. My mother insists on going with me so she will tell them I'm suicidal. I'm so confused. I know I'll ctb one day but as 11 pm approaches I feel like abandoning my plan and trying again tomorrow... I'm not sure if this is a win or a lose? My cats so damn cute and my mom is so nice... Living just hurts when you're mentally unstable to the point of dellusions.

 

[JadedGray]

I agree with the title of this thread. It has made it much easier to accept death, when I've let go of this world and everything in it.

 

[Truckerchic]

Once I made the decision to CTB it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders, the stress of day to day life was gone, worry about if I would ever find someone to love me, will I have enough money to live once old etc...I feel peaceful for the first time ever...I have 6 months until my 50th birthday which is the day I have picked...I'm going to enjoy them

 

[bluesky1972-2019]

Once I made the decision to CTB it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders, the stress of day to day life was gone, worry about if I would ever find someone to love me, will I have enough money to live once old etc...I feel peaceful for the first time ever...I have 6 months until my 50th birthday which is the day I have picked...I'm going to enjoy them

Yes when you have a way out it all seems easier to deal with. Leave on your terms if and when you choose.

 

[Mogley26]

Yes, it does feel lighter but then for many of us we make attempts and find out it's not that easy to do. I wish it were as easy as making the decision. Some of us just do it and we are gone. Others stress quite a bit to make it happen. I plan to do it extremely soon. I won't post a goodbye thread. I wish all of you the best.

 

[JadedGray]

Yes, it does feel lighter but then for many of us we make attempts and find out it's not that easy to do. I wish it were as easy as making the decision. Some of us just do it and we are gone. Others stress quite a bit to make it happen. I plan to do it extremely soon. I won't post a goodbye thread. I wish all of you the best.

Safe travels, when you do go.

 

[FauxEmotions]

Once I made the decision to CTB it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders, the stress of day to day life was gone, worry about if I would ever find someone to love me, will I have enough money to live once old etc...I feel peaceful for the first time ever...I have 6 months until my 50th birthday which is the day I have picked...I'm going to enjoy them

I agree with this. Once I made the decision (and got successful with my partial hanging practice runs) the greatest sense of relief came over me and I find myself clinging to that noose less and less. I don't know whether or not it's due to now I know how to and can (figuratively) pull the trigger whenever or if getting so close to death has brought some relief. It's just bizarre because while I haven't necessarily had the urge to have the rope around my neck, I still can't imagine living a long life. Brains are fascinating.

 

[bhav]

The only thing that has given me any true joy in my 25 years of life is the human connections I've made. Online friends, IRL friends. But everyone ended up drifting out of my life. If there is one thing "friendship" has taught me, it's that everyone is ultimately replaceable. This realization alone makes me less inclined to want to make new friends. If I accidentally get close to someone, I'll throw my whole heart into the friendship, for better or worse. But then, it will hurt all the more when that person eventually fades out of my life.

Very, very relatable.

 

[Mogley26]

Safe travels, when you do go.

Thank you very much.

 

[JadedGray]

Thank you very much.

You're very welcome. I understand you, not wanting to make a goodbye thread. Take care.

 

[ZixivaldYrxes]

I wish I still found this comforting (or anything, really).

 

[TheFinalCountdown]

Unless you're one of the fortunate few born with some highly-valued talent, and are able to foster that talent, the the idea of "doing something you love" is a pipe dream.

If you want a well paid job then an education might be necessary but is never sufficient. What's really important is being well-liked by people. And if you're not good-looking, not socially adept or even just introverted it can be almost impossible to get ahead in life.

I can relate to what you said about friends. It doesn't matter how important someone is to you, they can leave at any time

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

Unless you're one of the fortunate few born with some highly-valued talent, and are able to foster that talent, the the idea of "doing something you love" is a pipe dream.

If you want a well paid job then an education might be necessary but is never sufficient. What's really important is being well-liked by people. And if you're not good-looking, not socially adept or even just introverted it can be almost impossible to get ahead in life.

I can relate to what you said about friends. It doesn't matter how important someone is to you, they can leave at any time

I am physically attractive, but to be honest, I feel like it's always been overshadowed by my extreme social anxiety. I know I'm hardworking and talented in writing, but I'm absolutely terrible in forming social connections and understanding how to play the office politics game. Male coworkers tend to be slightly nicer to me in the sense that they might help me out of pity, but female coworkers have been a huge wild card. I know my looks are going to fade one day, and when that day comes, that will just be an additional reason for me to be an irrelevant cog on the wheel.