Discussion When was your last breakdown?

[iwannaendme]

So, after a long time, yesterday I had another mental breakdown. I was home alone, so it's the best time to cry for hours.
I just couldn't take anything anymore and I wanted to die so bad. Last couple of events that happened this and last week made me feel even worse than I felt before.

Honestly, I thought I don't feel anything anymore. Last month I was just "waiting" for the right moment and wanted to not take anything seriously since I know I will ctb soon. But yesterday? It was crazy.

I started to crying so much that I bet my whole city heard me. I was shaking and I thought I'll finally die. My heart was beating like never before and all those feelings I kept inside me "finally" came together as bomb and I felt as a shit. I hate myself so much, I even looked in the mirror because I wanted to see my face and it was whole red, tears were everywhere, eyes were red like never before and I even felt dizzy and I thought I will pass out. Gosh, I wanted it do bad.

I was constatly shaking and crying for hours, lying on the floor and I'm surprised no one from my neighbours didn't came knocking on my door, asking wtf is going on.

It's even more that happened, but I'm not currently in the state to write more, since I slept like two hours and woke up from no reason, also just wanted to write this here, and also ask you, when was the last time that something similar happened to you, and why, and how are you taking those "breakdowns" and what helped you.

Thanks for reading. Hopefully you had better day than I did lmfao.

 

[LastFlowers]

Today. Pretty sure I burst a bunch of blood vessels and my teeth are sore from clashing together in stress and anger. My eyes always have leftover swelling from crying. I cry violently until it hurts to swallow and my whole face looks like it's been stung by bees. It can't be good for me but I already look like hell and I can't help it, it is not voluntary.

Do you ever get that feeling like you are going to have a heart attack? Like someone's fist is literally clenching your heart? I get the pain down my arm too. Im surprised I haven't died of stress yet, as this is basically all an everyday occurrence. I even forget to breathe or blink. I have to consciously think about it or my body stops doing it. It's ridiculous.

I get that numb feeling too, times of being robotic. But then I breakdown again.
Nothing helps honestly, I just want meds that will knock me out and keep me out for as long as possible because I also have insomnia. And sleeping is the only other escape from this Hell (unless reality invades my dreams, which is unfortunately more often than not).

 

[Slate128]

This was Sat night. Police found out, I was put in a cell. I broke down while they were trying to contact someone to take me home. Couldn't even respond to anything for about half an hour. I'll never forget how cold that floor was.

 

[iwannaendme]

Today. Pretty sure I burst a bunch of blood vessels and my teeth are sore from clashing together in stress and anger. My eyes always have leftover swelling from crying. I cry violently until it hurts to swallow and my whole face looks like it's been stung by bees. It can't be good for me but I already look like hell and I can't help it, it is not voluntary.

Do you ever get that feeling like you are going to have a heart attack? Like someone's fist is literally clenching your heart? I get the pain down my arm too. Im surprised I haven't died of stress yet, as this is basically all an everyday occurrence. I even forget to breathe or blink. I have to consciously think about it or my body stops doing it. It's ridiculous.

I get that numb feeling too, times of being robotic. But then I breakdown again.
Nothing helps honestly, I just want meds that will knock me out and keep me out for as long as possible because I also have insomnia. And sleeping is the only other escape from this Hell (unless reality invades my dreams, which is unfortunately more often than not).

Jesus, I'm so sorry for that. And yes, a lot of time I think I will get heart attack. But when I get that feeling I'm trying as much as I can to calm down. I hate hospitals and imagining myself there is nightmare for me.

Also, yes, sleeping is helping me sometimes, too. But lately I have a lot of nightmares, I had one of the worst last week and since that I'm trying to avoid sleeping lol. Even tho it's literally only escape from this Hell.

 

[sage]

i think the last one was a week ago, but when i have breakdowns i go around the house screaming at the top of my lungs and talking to myself.. cant even cry, just scream and scream. its awful when my family is home because i have to muffle all the screaming to make sure they dont hear me. shocked nobodys ever called the cops on me, i definitely sound like im getting murdered

 

[PatKat]

So, after a long time, yesterday I had another mental breakdown. I was home alone, so it's the best time to cry for hours.
I just couldn't take anything anymore and I wanted to die so bad. Last couple of events that happened this and last week made me feel even worse than I felt before.

Honestly, I thought I don't feel anything anymore. Last month I was just "waiting" for the right moment and wanted to not take anything seriously since I know I will ctb soon. But yesterday? It was crazy.

I started to crying so much that I bet my whole city heard me. I was shaking and I thought I'll finally die. My heart was beating like never before and all those feelings I kept inside me "finally" came together as bomb and I felt as a shit. I hate myself so much, I even looked in the mirror because I wanted to see my face and it was whole red, tears were everywhere, eyes were red like never before and I even felt dizzy and I thought I will pass out. Gosh, I wanted it do bad.

I was constatly shaking and crying for hours, lying on the floor and I'm surprised no one from my neighbours didn't came knocking on my door, asking wtf is going on.

It's even more that happened, but I'm not currently in the state to write more, since I slept like two hours and woke up from no reason, also just wanted to write this here, and also ask you, when was the last time that something similar happened to you, and why, and how are you taking those "breakdowns" and what helped you.

Thanks for reading. Hopefully you had better day than I did lmfao.

The not feeling anything I can connect with. I have no energy to do anything except to stay alive. I find no joy in any activity anymore. Stay in bed all day passing out at random times. I just hope I dont become homeless I do not know what would happen.

 

[Egddios]

Lately I feel my breakdown has been building and today I was actually able to cry; had been feeling like I couldn't cry for a while, maybe I became detached and/or numb? Anyhow, it hit me hard today, to the point I seriously considered and almost did purposefully walk into oncoming traffic, not caring, hoping a car or truck would just run me down. It took some mental effort to hold back from doing this; in all my thoughts and plans to end my life, I have avoided choosing a public method ie jumping from a car park or again, walking into traffic. I just never wanted to involve anyone, traumatize anyone, etc. But today, yeah, I hanged on by a thread.

I discharged myself from the community mental health center I had been "assigned" to after my last hospitalization. I wasn't getting anywhere with the psychiatrist I had been seeing and began to feel straight up uncomfortable in his presence. I didn't feel listened to or heard, despite being candid about my thoughts of suicide and disclosing my self harm. I tend to mutilate myself as a way to deal with the intense anxiety I regularly experience, and my appetite has dwindled. Many days I rarely leave my bed. I feel like my soul is dying. This has been a slow and painful existence; I remember the psychiatrist telling me "well, you survived" when I came in for an appointment in desperate need of Klonopin which is one of the few medications that helps me, though unfortunately it gets a bad rep and doctors are increasingly unwilling to prescribe, even to those who don't abuse it. Anyhow, the psychiatrists comment of "survival" sort of annoyed and angered me. Is that the point? To merely survive, and not actually live? Because I'm not "living". Each day I wake up and I'm sure many of you can relate to this feeling of disappointment to have not passed away in my sleep.

I wonder at times if I had been better off before I sought mental health treatment. I'm in remission from Bulimia and Anorexia; they were my coping mechanisms. Without restricting or purging, I'm at a loss of how to cope with the intense feelings of darkness.

I'm at the brink now, with few viable options. If/when I end my life, I have solidly decided on the night night method and have the supplies necessary ie ratchet straps and a small stash of benzos to make it somewhat easier. But again, jumping is almost feeling more doable. I no longer fear the fall itself, and like this afternoon, I felt no fear standing close to the busy street where my doctors office is located. I don't know what exactly held me back. Oh right, I don't want to traumatize anyone, even though they'd not know they'd be doing me a true favor.

I had 9 ECT treatments in 2017 and am considering admitting myself back into the psych hospital here where I live (RI, USA) for more treatments. It's a scary process, the only plus being the anesthesia and being put under. Temporary peace.

My doctor asked me this afternoon what I'm holding on for, and through tears, I told her I'm hanging on for my sister and two young nieces who mean the world to me. I love them so much, I don't want to hurt them in any way. I know if I end my life, they will be devastated. But, I am somewhat comforted in knowing they live in a place where they have strong bonds with families in their community and my sister has some great friendships. My hope is, when I am gone, her friends will help her through and give her the support she'll need. My nieces are so bright and though they'd miss me, I imagine when they're old enough to fully understand, they would find peace with my decision. All this said, it breaks my own heart.

I suspect being raped in 2014 and then sexually assaulted while inpatient at a hospital in NJ (USA) has damaged me more than I'm able to articulate. I am more fearful, less trusting, and weary of people when before I had been an outgoing and fun person to be around. A good friend and listener, always able to make people laugh and be hopeful for their own lives. I was a good friend, and now I feel I have nothing left and I'm slowly, painfully deteriorating.

If euthanasia were available for people with mental health issues here in the US, I would request it, no doubt. Deep sleep is one of the few things that brings me comfort. I just can't handle still being here (have 2 failed attempts already). I wish I could just disappear, you know?

I'm crumbling.

 

[TAW122]

My last breakdown was over a month ago, and it was due to not being able to lose my virginity or finding an feasible means for it (even legal prostitution as it was out of reach for me -- cost prohibitive). Since then, I have worked on a concrete plan on losing my virginity. It is not easy, but by taking steps to get to my goal, it has helped me feel better.