When to accept it is futile?

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I know ctb is my choice, and my choice alone, but would you throw the towel in if you were in my situation? I know deep down there is no hope, yet people keep lying to me and instilling false motivations when they know a hopeful reality is blatantly untrue.

My health is about as stable as a derelict tin shack trying to withstand a hurricane. I've suffered from chronic fatigue, chronic neuropathic pain, ptsd, and IBS for many years. Since I am now 21 and this has been going on for 4 years, I don't see it getting better.

I had lots of blood and urine tests done, even a CT scan to see if I had a bad gallbladder or slow digestion that might be causing the pain I experience with eating. Nothing. The only thing I have is some autoimmune antibodies that are likely inherited from a family member, I don't have any of the symptoms of that autoimmune disease except fatigue, as everything else came back fine.

No inflammation in my blood, no rheumatoid arthritis, no thyroid problems, no celiacs disease, no vitamin deficiencies, no pre diabetes, nothing. My joints are not inflamed, the pain is muscular and neuropathic in nature. However it is likely I will inherit some autoimmune diseases and arthritis in the future because my dumb family chose to have kids when they KNEW that they carried so many diseases. If I ended up with the autoimmune disease my family carries I'd rather kill myself in the spot.

So yeah, health wise I am fucked with this chronic fatigue syndrome that has no cause. I have tried over 16 different pharmaceutical treatments, and nothing, even the most potent of stimulants, has worked. I cannot take pain medicine for the aches and pins in all my extremities because it will make the fatigue worse and not even really help anything.

PTSD complicates this further. I am serious when I say this condition has ruined my life more than anything else. Years of therapy, which is a scam for such severe ptsd anyways, did nothing to help me. My sexuality and my brain seem to be permanently altered by trauma. I have so many horrific memories of medical workers abusing me, including sexual abuse, pinning me down for an injection while I was screaming, and severe neglect and malpractice that left me with permanent TMJ. The oral surgeon said it is incurable.

I cannot even see images of medical settings without my mind going into fight or flight mode. I have been unable to even step into a clinic in over a year because the traumatization was so severe. If my partner has to go to one I panic all day and almost vomit from my own flashbacks. There is a serious nervous system problem caused by PTSD that psychiatry neglects because people want to frame it as a malady of one's psychology rather than a physical disorder. To them, you're just malingering if you talk about how ptsd destroys your body.

My entire childhood was spent being abused. This has caused me even more trauma. Being groomed and molested by older guys ruined me as a young teenage girl. My family didn't care about me despite the fact that I have a developmental disability that requires intervention. I grew up with no parents. All I want is for someone to care about me but that is physically impossible once you turn 18 as everyone assumes, you're an adult now, function on your own even though it's against your basal human nature that desires faimilial bonds and companionship! The mental health care system does nothing but blame individuals and ignore systematic issues in their treatment methodology.

After failing so many treatments and accepting i am going to suffer forever with this bone crushing, agonising fatigue that makes my entire perception blurry and unfocused, my limbs heavy, and my life, intolerable, the only reason I hung on was for my partner. Yet my partner holds it over my head daily that I am hard to deal with. I am genuinely so fucked with my health that I cannot have a job, and I will likely fail my university exams because I fall asleep or doze off when I have to try to read and concentrate on revision, because of the neurological hell that comes with chronic fatigue.

I cannot get disability benefits because of my immigration status and I could not get them in my birth country either. My existence relies on the charity of others, and nobody cares. The friends I've made at university tell me to just stay positive and hang in there. That helps nothing. I am in my own personal hell everyday.

So tell me, in my position, would you want to live anymore? Am I really irrational for wanting to ctb like they say?

 

[Intotheflames]

So sorry for everything you've been through. I personally would do it for less.

When you make the decision, just focus on how you and you alone feel, be it physical or psychological. I wouldn't take anyone else, partner or not, into the consideration. It's your life, you are the one doing all the hard works, fighting all the battles. You are free to choose the way forward.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

So sorry for everything you've been through. I personally would do it for less.

When you make the decision, just focus on how you and you alone feel, be it physical or psychological. I wouldn't take anyone else, partner or not, into the consideration. It's your life, you are the one doing all the hard works, fighting all the battles. You are free to choose the way forward.

Yes, I agree with you. I think my choice is locked in subconsciously, I am just terrified of failure. If I fail, I risk losing my home (due to expulsion from university) further abuse from doctors is almost guarenteed in a psych ward, and who knows how my partner would respond- probably not very well. Everyday I am scared that if I manage to obtain SN and somehow it gets intercepted or university staff hears of it, I will be utterly fucked. Wish it was easier for me to just be able to make my own choices about dying.

 

[DivineMedicus]

JFC, I don't even know what to say... You are an incredibly strong person for having made it this far despite an immensely adversarial life. I wish you nothing but strength and good fortune. Do remember that whatever decision you may take, we will wholeheartedly support you and your right to choose .

 

[Tired_Tired]

I always think the reason is not so important. It all depends on you can live with or without it. I told to someone before, if I said you should live. He/she was angry with what I said. I didn't encourage them should live. Just let them know my point of view, based on their stories. If you still have freedom. It's good. At least you can make your own decision.

 

[Intotheflames]

Yes, I agree with you. I think my choice is locked in subconsciously, I am just terrified of failure. If I fail, I risk losing my home (due to expulsion from university) further abuse from doctors is almost guarenteed in a psych ward, and who knows how my partner would respond- probably not very well. Everyday I am scared that if I manage to obtain SN and somehow it gets intercepted or university staff hears of it, I will be utterly fucked. Wish it was easier for me to just be able to make my own choices about dying.

I got that the stakes is high. But with planning and research it is doable. Maybe you can even use that as a distraction and psychological relief. I certainly used to think about the relief if all gone well.

 

[262653]

Am I really irrational for wanting to ctb like they say?

I'm having an impression that you want to validate your thoughts and feelings about ctb because other people in your environment call them irrational. Would you agree or disagree?

 

[greyhound]

Sorry that you've had such a difficult time up until now.

I have also had a lot of health issues from a pretty young age. When I was 21 I had a major increase in all my symptoms after a surgery. I was working in Scotland for the summer and I very nearly CTBed. In the end I was 'saved' by family and came back home. I didn't manage to get a proper diagnosis of my illness for a number of years after that, and stuff just got progressively worse.

Now many years later I semi regret not having CTBed then. It has been a painful slog just getting sicker and sicker unfortunately. However had I managed to figure out what was really wrong with me (Lyme) back then, I might have had a fighting chance to beat it. Now I'm just much older and immune system and everything is so beaten down at this point.

I mean you seem pretty smart and analytical, chronic fatigue can be beaten especially at your age. I am decidedly biased but I feel like many many diagnoses these days are really at root general systemic toxicity and chronic infections (which contribute to this with biotoxins). Autoimmune can be a thing, but I think in a lot of cases underlying infections can make your immune system do strange things.

It might be worth a try biohacking your body and seeing if you can get to some kind of liveable state. At my worst point maybe 10 years ago I basically was developing CFS and that's what prompted me to try various things. That no energy feeling is the absolute worst thing. I still have other symptoms now but thankfully energy is fine again.

Also - I just watched Steins;Gate, basically on the last episode right now. Someone had said your username was based on it so I checked it out. It was amazing!

 

[Antigonish]

It's all futile, and it always will be. The real question is 'when do I give up, stop fighting, stop believing, stop trying and stop hoping?'

 

[Wrennie]

Sorry that you've had such a difficult time up until now.

I have also had a lot of health issues from a pretty young age. When I was 21 I had a major increase in all my symptoms after a surgery. I was working in Scotland for the summer and I very nearly CTBed. In the end I was 'saved' by family and came back home. I didn't manage to get a proper diagnosis of my illness for a number of years after that, and stuff just got progressively worse.

Now many years later I semi regret not having CTBed then. It has been a painful slog just getting sicker and sicker unfortunately. However had I managed to figure out what was really wrong with me (Lyme) back then, I might have had a fighting chance to beat it. Now I'm just much older and immune system and everything is so beaten down at this point.

I mean you seem pretty smart and analytical, chronic fatigue can be beaten especially at your age. I am decidedly biased but I feel like many many diagnoses these days are really at root general systemic toxicity and chronic infections (which contribute to this with biotoxins). Autoimmune can be a thing, but I think in a lot of cases underlying infections can make your immune system do strange things.

It might be worth a try biohacking your body and seeing if you can get to some kind of liveable state. At my worst point maybe 10 years ago I basically was developing CFS and that's what prompted me to try various things. That no energy feeling is the absolute worst thing. I still have other symptoms now but thankfully energy is fine again.

Also - I just watched Steins;Gate, basically on the last episode right now. Someone had said your username was based on it so I checked it out. It was amazing!

Depending on her geographical location, Lyme disease could be a very real possibility. I was bedridden with it from age 14-16 and it was absolute Hell. 24/7 soul-crushing chronic fatigue/joint pain/muscle aches with seemingly no cause, as though a hydraulic press was perpetually smushing me into the ground. I think it would be worth looking into personally, especially if one has reached a point where they've run out of ideas as to what may be causing such incapacitating physical symptoms. They call Lyme the "great pretender" after all since it mimics so many other diseases and frequently escapes diagnosis.

 

[Life sucks]

Its your choice and of course its valid and rational. Life is full of suffering and I'm sorry you had to live in this hell. Humans sucks and they force others to live.

I'll give you a big hug and will support you and your choices.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I'm having an impression that you want to validate your thoughts and feelings about ctb because other people in your environment call them irrational. Would you agree or disagree?

I think so. I believe people here are more understanding while people in real life have optimism bias and can't see both sides. I am always being told my problems are psychological and no matter how many times I say otherwise, the other person retorts with, "You need an attitude adjustment" or some other platitudes about positive thinking. Someone I know irl even told me I need to think positive despite it being unrealistic that my physical health will ever improve.

 

[Lucien]

After failing so many treatments and accepting i am going to suffer forever with this bone crushing, agonising fatigue that makes my entire perception blurry and unfocused, my limbs heavy, and my life, intolerable

fall asleep or doze off when I have to try to read and concentrate on revision, because of the neurological hell that comes with chronic fatigue.

I only recently realized I have this. Just assumed it was a byproduct of my own trauma. Safe to say it spiraled into a problem of its own. So much for being lazy, which was the prevalent criticism against me to conveniently invalidate any argument I made. Of course it made me feel even less of a human being after the thousandth repetition, so it was a successful control strategy.