Recently I read that other people also were given up by therapists. This happened twice to me and I always wondered how common that phenomenon is. This topic is very emotional for me. This is my subjective experience with it. Two therapists gave me up after I was fired. They thought poverty, mixed with my persisting suicidality and bipolar would drive me to commit suicide. I am really interested what therapists learn to do when they realize they cannot help their patient. Especially when they know he is determined to commit suicide in the longrun (not acute). My personal feeling was the psychiatry has no concept for such people. I had the feeling the therapists protected themselves of that tragic fate. And detached from me. It is really weird when I told other therapists about it they said they don't know such a behavior towards suicidal patients. I was kind of confused and questioned my sanity because of it. Though the descriptions I read from other people here reminded me of that.
I think the psychiatry is clueless how to help people like me. In general the psychiatry has a weird approach to suicidality. There are probably different nuances between therapists but I experienced some weird things. When I was in an acute psychotic episode the staff member kind of implied I was a nazi or something like that when I mentioned I wanted to become politician. This was complete bullshit but he tried to protect himself from my fate by hoping I was a political extremists. This did not only occur once. Another staff member who I really liked (he told me in case I ctb I should have a patient's degree first - I found that super empathetic) also alluded I might be a nazi or something like that. Which was another protection mechanism and a really weird one because he knew me and his words were completely absurd. Honestly I think the psychiatry is overburdened with it but does not admit that. There were two staff members who called me insane (literally) for wanting to die. And called people who committed suicide as the insane one's.
The following leaves a lot of room for interpretation. I think not every therapist it is the same: I was at a clinic and the therapist liked me a lot. After I was fired he gave me up. Considered me as unfixable and as someone who will commit suicide. He kind of struggled with it a lot. He liked me a lot and knew my abuse story. I had the feeling he made the case so many people in other countries have it worse than me. I was privileged and had the audacity the throw away the gift (my life) that I had. I had the feeling he treated me worse afterwards. He was more distanced and I think this "throwing away life" was kind of a horrible crime of mine. This must have been his usual suicide policy. At least this was the way he treated me. It was pretty weird because he only acted like that. He was heartbroken that he had to give me up. Due to the fact child abuse led to that. Though I still find it pretty fucking stupid to act like that. He might have struggled in my case but to people who took drugs he showed his cold side. I don't know. Maybe the people there need kind of protection mechanisms to shield them from emotional pain. But the whole things seems for me to be so immature. Shall this be their response to societal grievances that lead to suicide? This is bullshit. People demonize suicide forums. Well the psychiatry seemingly officially gives me up do you wonder I go to a suicide forum?
The story is pretty complicated. Afterwards I made my third psychotherapy. But I often was scared that the new therapist could give me up like the others. This is why I hid some details about my suicidality. Exactly the facts which led to the fact my past therapists gave me up. Still we made progress. I am grateful for the opportuniy to go to clinics and to have psychotherapies. Overall I benefited from it. But I had the feeling they act so immature when facing persisting serious suicidal thoughts. I think many therapists were lost for words when I described to them my suicidal feelings. Someone admitted he does not understand suicidal people. For him wanting to end one's life sounds so irrational. Another therapist said "honestly I really don't know what to tell someone who wants to die". Seemingly college does not really prepare them for cases like me.
So far I only told my story about the clinic therapist who gave me up. Well since I attend college he changed his mind and is very happy that I won't ctb. Though there is sadly a fly in the ointment even more than one. I am stil a wreck and I absolutely cannot imagine I will ever be able to hold a job. I think he is currently doing his victory laps for saving my life. I don't want to ruin his mood and I try to be less deterministic about the future. I think the psychiatry staff were partly aware how cynical the system was to someone like me. There were some handful of people who were truely hurt by my fate. But their psychiatry ethos did not allow them to show support for assisted suicide in my case. I think one doctor changed her job because she felt too burdened by my fate. I don't know exactly what happened but I think she found the idea to give me up as too cruel and cynical. The staff member who also mentioned the patient's degree alluded to the highest court decision of my country in favor of liberal assisted suicide laws. While the other religious staff member still considered me completely insane. I think she did not know the details of my case and just associated wanting to die with insanity.
So I think the whole thing is a mess and needs clear reforms. As weird as some reactions were they at least cared. The other therapist who gave me up forgot me after 5 minutes. She was a little bit pale when she told it me. "You are smart enough to understand that there is no way out of it. You are just socially too less adapted to ever hold a job." I asked her for a new therapist after she gave up and she replied "You should not hope for that they are all pretty busy". I could go into more details but I want to emphasize something different here. She was such a fucking idiot. I think her assessment that I gonna ctb was right. Though besides of that she made everything worse. I did not take antipsychotic medication to that time. And she even did not realize when I told her paranoid and psychotic thoughts. I was agitated as fuck. The other therapist realized that 30 seconds after looking at me. This one did not realize it after more than 25 sessions. When I revealed her I was (very) suicidal she replied "You know I really like that I don't work in a nuclear power plant so the stakes are not that high." Well considering how increadibly incompentent she is it is good for the sake of the German citizens that she is no nulcear inspector but I feel sad for her patients. She gave so many wrong advices and even discouraged me from taking antipsychotic-medication. She did not realize I was very paranoid, agitated, partly psychotic within I guess roundabout 25 therapy sessions. It is true I am good at hiding paranoid thoughts but she blamed it on a personality disorder which is probably bullshit. To be honest I am still shocked by her. And she even is a lecturer at college for psychology students. Oh I want to add something. I gave some real weird psychotic thoughts why my depression would never end. And she called it completely plausible and affirmed my theory. Well I am fucking bipolar an illness that proceeds in cycles. She basically told me depression would never end for me which was complete bullshit.
Yeah the whole thing is fucked up. I think the psychiatry needs major reforms to incorportate assisted suicide opportunities for cases like mine. The whole thing is so absurd, weird and immature. This is at least my experience. I am not sure whether it is everywhere the same. Further I had the feeling many psychiatrists are cold as fuck. My current psychiatrist is one of the best psychiatrists I ever had. Once I told her my whole suicide story that I plan to do it in the future. That I am completely desperate about the future. Not acute of course otherwise I had to go the a clinic. Well I had the feeling some appoinments (months) afterwards she just forgot everything. Because I did not remind her about my pain. Well why should I? I had the feeling the atmospere turned pretty bad when I mentioned real serious suicide plans (in the future). This was the same feeling with many other therapists. The situation became fraught with conflict. (don't know this idiom on English). As if I had said something offensive to them. I did not even accuse them of anything. I just don't find a way to live like this. I did not attack them. But I think they felt attacked because I undermined the system psychiatry and how badly it treats suicidal people.
Kind of a long thread. But also a very emotional one. Despite the fact these two therapists gave me up I still made progress to get better. Though if I opened up about my true suicidality they might have reacted differently exactly by giving me up once again. I spare me that emotional pain. It hurt very much when they gave me up. It was very severe desperation. Currently I run away from my problems and play for time. I think about in some instances certain people did not believe that the therapists had given up on me. This hurt me even more. But it was pretty similar to the posts of other people in this forum. I truely know the pain that such an incident can cause.
I think the psychiatry is clueless how to help people like me. In general the psychiatry has a weird approach to suicidality. There are probably different nuances between therapists but I experienced some weird things. When I was in an acute psychotic episode the staff member kind of implied I was a nazi or something like that when I mentioned I wanted to become politician. This was complete bullshit but he tried to protect himself from my fate by hoping I was a political extremists. This did not only occur once. Another staff member who I really liked (he told me in case I ctb I should have a patient's degree first - I found that super empathetic) also alluded I might be a nazi or something like that. Which was another protection mechanism and a really weird one because he knew me and his words were completely absurd. Honestly I think the psychiatry is overburdened with it but does not admit that. There were two staff members who called me insane (literally) for wanting to die. And called people who committed suicide as the insane one's.
The following leaves a lot of room for interpretation. I think not every therapist it is the same: I was at a clinic and the therapist liked me a lot. After I was fired he gave me up. Considered me as unfixable and as someone who will commit suicide. He kind of struggled with it a lot. He liked me a lot and knew my abuse story. I had the feeling he made the case so many people in other countries have it worse than me. I was privileged and had the audacity the throw away the gift (my life) that I had. I had the feeling he treated me worse afterwards. He was more distanced and I think this "throwing away life" was kind of a horrible crime of mine. This must have been his usual suicide policy. At least this was the way he treated me. It was pretty weird because he only acted like that. He was heartbroken that he had to give me up. Due to the fact child abuse led to that. Though I still find it pretty fucking stupid to act like that. He might have struggled in my case but to people who took drugs he showed his cold side. I don't know. Maybe the people there need kind of protection mechanisms to shield them from emotional pain. But the whole things seems for me to be so immature. Shall this be their response to societal grievances that lead to suicide? This is bullshit. People demonize suicide forums. Well the psychiatry seemingly officially gives me up do you wonder I go to a suicide forum?
The story is pretty complicated. Afterwards I made my third psychotherapy. But I often was scared that the new therapist could give me up like the others. This is why I hid some details about my suicidality. Exactly the facts which led to the fact my past therapists gave me up. Still we made progress. I am grateful for the opportuniy to go to clinics and to have psychotherapies. Overall I benefited from it. But I had the feeling they act so immature when facing persisting serious suicidal thoughts. I think many therapists were lost for words when I described to them my suicidal feelings. Someone admitted he does not understand suicidal people. For him wanting to end one's life sounds so irrational. Another therapist said "honestly I really don't know what to tell someone who wants to die". Seemingly college does not really prepare them for cases like me.
So far I only told my story about the clinic therapist who gave me up. Well since I attend college he changed his mind and is very happy that I won't ctb. Though there is sadly a fly in the ointment even more than one. I am stil a wreck and I absolutely cannot imagine I will ever be able to hold a job. I think he is currently doing his victory laps for saving my life. I don't want to ruin his mood and I try to be less deterministic about the future. I think the psychiatry staff were partly aware how cynical the system was to someone like me. There were some handful of people who were truely hurt by my fate. But their psychiatry ethos did not allow them to show support for assisted suicide in my case. I think one doctor changed her job because she felt too burdened by my fate. I don't know exactly what happened but I think she found the idea to give me up as too cruel and cynical. The staff member who also mentioned the patient's degree alluded to the highest court decision of my country in favor of liberal assisted suicide laws. While the other religious staff member still considered me completely insane. I think she did not know the details of my case and just associated wanting to die with insanity.
So I think the whole thing is a mess and needs clear reforms. As weird as some reactions were they at least cared. The other therapist who gave me up forgot me after 5 minutes. She was a little bit pale when she told it me. "You are smart enough to understand that there is no way out of it. You are just socially too less adapted to ever hold a job." I asked her for a new therapist after she gave up and she replied "You should not hope for that they are all pretty busy". I could go into more details but I want to emphasize something different here. She was such a fucking idiot. I think her assessment that I gonna ctb was right. Though besides of that she made everything worse. I did not take antipsychotic medication to that time. And she even did not realize when I told her paranoid and psychotic thoughts. I was agitated as fuck. The other therapist realized that 30 seconds after looking at me. This one did not realize it after more than 25 sessions. When I revealed her I was (very) suicidal she replied "You know I really like that I don't work in a nuclear power plant so the stakes are not that high." Well considering how increadibly incompentent she is it is good for the sake of the German citizens that she is no nulcear inspector but I feel sad for her patients. She gave so many wrong advices and even discouraged me from taking antipsychotic-medication. She did not realize I was very paranoid, agitated, partly psychotic within I guess roundabout 25 therapy sessions. It is true I am good at hiding paranoid thoughts but she blamed it on a personality disorder which is probably bullshit. To be honest I am still shocked by her. And she even is a lecturer at college for psychology students. Oh I want to add something. I gave some real weird psychotic thoughts why my depression would never end. And she called it completely plausible and affirmed my theory. Well I am fucking bipolar an illness that proceeds in cycles. She basically told me depression would never end for me which was complete bullshit.
Yeah the whole thing is fucked up. I think the psychiatry needs major reforms to incorportate assisted suicide opportunities for cases like mine. The whole thing is so absurd, weird and immature. This is at least my experience. I am not sure whether it is everywhere the same. Further I had the feeling many psychiatrists are cold as fuck. My current psychiatrist is one of the best psychiatrists I ever had. Once I told her my whole suicide story that I plan to do it in the future. That I am completely desperate about the future. Not acute of course otherwise I had to go the a clinic. Well I had the feeling some appoinments (months) afterwards she just forgot everything. Because I did not remind her about my pain. Well why should I? I had the feeling the atmospere turned pretty bad when I mentioned real serious suicide plans (in the future). This was the same feeling with many other therapists. The situation became fraught with conflict. (don't know this idiom on English). As if I had said something offensive to them. I did not even accuse them of anything. I just don't find a way to live like this. I did not attack them. But I think they felt attacked because I undermined the system psychiatry and how badly it treats suicidal people.
Kind of a long thread. But also a very emotional one. Despite the fact these two therapists gave me up I still made progress to get better. Though if I opened up about my true suicidality they might have reacted differently exactly by giving me up once again. I spare me that emotional pain. It hurt very much when they gave me up. It was very severe desperation. Currently I run away from my problems and play for time. I think about in some instances certain people did not believe that the therapists had given up on me. This hurt me even more. But it was pretty similar to the posts of other people in this forum. I truely know the pain that such an incident can cause.
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