When people act like it's my fault

[woofwag]

Oh, oh yes, it must be my fault I'm like this. The people around me won't say it. Maybe they really don't believe it. But the general attitude of our society seems to say, "take responsibility for you being ill." As if I CHOSE THIS. "Get a therapist!" I did. They abandoned me. "Do exercises to help with your POTS!" I did. It exhausted me to the point of being the only thing I could do in a day and I stopped. "Get on meds!" I did. They seem to barely help, and I can't take any others because of my POTS/weird undiagnosed seizure disorder/general unresponsiveness to the other meds I try. "Get on disability!" It takes YEARSSSSS to get approved. You think I have fucking years? I'm getting kicked out of my place on February 8th. I barely have a month. And then, when all the suggestions are exhausted, when all the guilt trip bullshit rhetoric to keep me alive doesn't work, when I can't afford any other treatment anyway, it's silence. As if to say, "there's nothing left for you if you won't accept our help." YOUR HELP DOESN'T WORK!!!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!!!!! DON'T FUCKING COMPLAIN WHEN I DIE. Don't you dare pretend like I never tried. I did, and I still do, but I am out of expectations from people to help me. I am out of expectations from myself to try anything anymore, because it backfires every time, because I don't trust suggestions, because I've been hurting and trying to die all my life and all I ever got from people was, "don't worry, it gets better." Well it hasn't. What more do they fucking want? I didn't ask to be born. And now I ask to die. That's not a betrayal to anyone. It's an injustice to me.

 

[whywere]

I have a very strong feeling of where you are coming from and 1st off, I want you to know that I care about you, no B.S. really do.

With 24/7 chronic pain, it is what you talk about with your experience(s). Are you really hurt? You do not look like it.

Gee, could you have not avoided the car accident back in April 2015?

I am also the same in regard to mental health. I have so many people who distance themselves from me and it hurts, BUT I like you have everyone here to help and be family and the heck with what dumb narrow minded fools say and think. they do NOT rule my life nor yours ever.

BUT guess what? Those same people that treat you the way they do, are themselves ignorant, small minded and in the long run LOSERS big time.

You are a VERY valuable person, with love and understand and yes it can be so darn hard but try as hard as you can NOT to let the idiots drag you down.

Lots of loving and caring thoughts to you and please try and remember that you are family and we are so much better than those who judge others for no means whatsoever.

Walter

 

[Lilithium]

It really is not fair, and it is bullshit that you're expected to push through literal disability. I can relate, and I think a lot of people also have this fucked up notion that if you're "not disabled enough" then you don't deserve compassion. It's infuriating because those same people are the ones saying that it does get better.
It really fucking doesn't, like ever.
Everyone wants to help until it's inconvenient for them. We live in a hellscape where if you're not seen as "pulling your weight" (i.e. selling your labor to someone else for pennies) then you're not seen as valuable.

Know that your value as a person is not defined by what you can or can't do. I don't know if it's worth it to stay around and I'm not going to tell you that it is, but it is worth it to call bullshit on everyone that's being that toxic and hypocritical to you. It doesn't matter what anyone says, you're doing your best with the hand you were dealt, it's not your fault you got a shitty hand, and anyone who tries to blame you for your health/disability issues can go fuck right off.

 

[woofwag]

I have a very strong feeling of where you are coming from and 1st off, I want you to know that I care about you, no B.S. really do.

With 24/7 chronic pain, it is what you talk about with your experience(s). Are you really hurt? You do not look like it.

Gee, could you have not avoided the car accident back in April 2015?

I am also the same in regard to mental health. I have so many people who distance themselves from me and it hurts, BUT I like you have everyone here to help and be family and the heck with what dumb narrow minded fools say and think. they do NOT rule my life nor yours ever.

BUT guess what? Those same people that treat you the way they do, are themselves ignorant, small minded and in the long run LOSERS big time.

You are a VERY valuable person, with love and understand and yes it can be so darn hard but try as hard as you can NOT to let the idiots drag you down.

Lots of loving and caring thoughts to you and please try and remember that you are family and we are so much better than those who judge others for no means whatsoever.

Walter

Well, thank you, I appreciate your kind words. I'm not entirely sure how to feel about all of it, how to quantify my value or even understand if that's true at all. But I believe that you believe that's true, and it's still worth something to me. And I like the notion that we are all family here :) sometimes it seems like this community is the only place that really gets how desperate it is for so many of us, and respects our choices to cope with that no matter what they are.

It really is not fair, and it is bullshit that you're expected to push through literal disability. I can relate, and I think a lot of people also have this fucked up notion that if you're "not disabled enough" then you don't deserve compassion. It's infuriating because those same people are the ones saying that it does get better.
It really fucking doesn't, like ever.
Everyone wants to help until it's inconvenient for them. We live in a hellscape where if you're not seen as "pulling your weight" (i.e. selling your labor to someone else for pennies) then you're not seen as valuable.

Know that your value as a person is not defined by what you can or can't do. I don't know if it's worth it to stay around and I'm not going to tell you that it is, but it is worth it to call bullshit on everyone that's being that toxic and hypocritical to you. It doesn't matter what anyone says, you're doing your best with the hand you were dealt, it's not your fault you got a shitty hand, and anyone who tries to blame you for your health/disability issues can go fuck right off.

Yeah. I hate it. I hate having to tear my mental/physical health to shreds to accomplish even one thing people would deem worthy of praise. My art, writing, crafts, and practical skills like sewing garments don't come naturally to me anymore. Every single thing I do is a massive uphill battle, including basic self-care tasks. And I'm supposed to just be doing all of it all of the time apparently.

Thankfully I don't have too many people in my personal life now who try to bullshit me beyond a few errant acquaintances who I've distanced myself from anyway. But all of them except one person still try to guilt me into staying and are very against the idea of dying. They can't get their head out of their own experiences and philosophies enough to care about me wanting to end my suffering permanently. I don't entirely blame them, it is natural to want your loved ones to live. But still... it hurts that even when they run out of suggestions that are feasible for me, they still maintain that there's "something" I can do without pointing to what that something is. It's just empty promises and cruel hope. I can empathize, but I still resent it.

 

[InevitableDeath]

So many people are awful. Just bullies really. No love, no empathy, no care.

Hard truth is society's not all that. Its value system is fucked.

 

[woofwag]

So many people are awful. Just bullies really. No love, no empathy, no care.

Hard truth is society's not all that. Its value system is fucked.

Yeah. I hate it. I hate my life. I hate these expectations of me. It's not fair. It's funny, because people acknowledge that life isn't fair, and then when I want out suddenly it'll all get better, and life is worth living, and I just need to try harder, ignore how shitty it all is, pretend like people loving me makes my situation any less dire. People are such fucking liars.

 

[InevitableDeath]

Yeah. I hate it. I hate my life. I hate these expectations of me. It's not fair. It's funny, because people acknowledge that life isn't fair, and then when I want out suddenly it'll all get better, and life is worth living, and I just need to try harder, ignore how shitty it all is, pretend like people loving me makes my situation any less dire. People are such fucking liars.

Its propaganda, all of it. The illusion of caring society. At some point you realise its all bullshit and people only parrot what they've been taught to by the propaganda. Which is designed to make the rich richer, and the poor having to slave every month just to slave the next month until they die.

The fact is society is run by psychopaths who want to keep everyone else on the plantation. When people claim to care, they don't. They just think its what they should say. And all the fucking liars will have you jumping through hoops to the next lie.

Its not you, its them.