Discussion When or how you became sure you wanted to CTB?

[sireb_b]

Just wanted to know what caused or how you came to take this choice and what being 100% sure actually means. I myself am quite indecicive, so I really want to hear what are your thoughts about this.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm certainly sure that ceasing to exist is all I hope for as I'd just never wish for this torturous, dreadful and cruel existence that just causes harm and suffering, all I want is for non-existence to bring me the peace I search for from the evil, cruelty and torture of existing, to suffer in this existence is an abomination to me and I see existence as a mistake.

I just wish I could erase this existence that just tortures existing beings with no limit as to how much agony one can feel, it's just so horrific and terrifying to me how a human can be tortured in this existence for so long just to face the extreme agony of old age, for me every second is torture to be conscious, all I want is peace from the terrible, dreadful suffering of existing.

I just want this existence to be all forgotten for me and I just find it so terrible how humans cause all this harm and suffering by so tragically imposing this existence in the first place, for me only non-existence could ever be positive, only in non-existence will I be at peace from the pain and suffering of this existence.

 

[itsallogrenow]

I've been wanting to die for 20 years.

The only thing stopping me has been, not liking pain and, more importantly, I needed a method that would be 100% effective as I have no one who would look after me if it went wrong.

I now have that guaranteed method and I feel happy and peaceful. That's how I know I'm 100% sure.

 

[fallen.dove]

when i was 12 i was bullied for 3years, the same year i started to understand why my parents got divorced and why i have to be 1 week at my moms and 1 at my dads *it later changed to whenever i wanted to i could come over* (my father was an alcoholic and i believe he cheated on my mom who became an extreme narcissist and is abusive) i started self harming because of being bullied and for not getting affection from my mother. later that year i got suicidal, i couldnt even talk to my parents because i felt like they dont understand me (they really didnt) and my mother started constantly arguing with me (she was basically looking for any kind of problems in my behaviour) my dad was still drinking, etc and i had my first attempt. later on it got worse. i got in my first relationship that ended up being toxic as hell when i was uhh idk 14? ig so. my ex was making me want to ctb just like my mother did. despite this i was still coming over to his house because i wanted to escape from my mothers hell. i had like 10 attempts meanwhile. then my father died.. he was supportive at first but then he got even worse so i started talking to my male friend who could understand what i was going thru. when he found out he thought that i am cheating at him (i wasnt, i wanted to be understood by someone not toxic) and i had a feeling that my ex might be the one who is cheating and when i had a conversation with him it ended up with hitting, him self harming and other shit like this. he wanted me to feel guilty for what he thought i did. he still wouldnt understand so i continued talking to my friend. and i decided that i am going to leave my 4,5 year relationship. when i came over to my exes house to talk, he knew its over and he started crying like a baby because apparently i was the best gf he ever had and yk, i was just perfect and nothing else mattered for him. he wanted me to be with him till the end lol. despite all that crying n shit i gave back his keys, took all of my stuff and left.he was still crying like a bitch so we continued talking for a while (just texting) and then he realized that he forgot what i did (as i said i have not cheated on him..) and when he remembered he called my mom and told her so. my mother ofc is still thinking i did that but whatever.. i just blocked him but he texted my mom that he wanted to talk to me (if he wanted he would just write a letter or sth) and when she blocked him too, he manipulated his friends to text me so i blocked all of his friends lol. when i turned 18 my mother was still looking for problems in me but there was one more. this time she wanted me to get a job so bad. ofc i want one too but in my country its so hard to get one when youre not 20 with 20 years of experience lol.. and here i am with countless attempts and scars still arguing with my mother and trying to find a job since i graduaded.. its so hard to live like this because it all gave me an anxiety disorder from all the traumas.. i really wanted to end it all for all these years (8 years has passed) and it havent changed - i still want to because it got worse and i had to live at my grandmas for like 3 months because of my anxiety attacks that got worse and ofc because of my mother and her partner who is an alcoholic as well and we just hate each other. i just had to leave. when i was at my grandmas i was planning even more attempts but that never happened there. she was a nurse and i knew if she finds me im most likely going to be given cpr and medical stuff she have been storing in her house and then taken to the hospital. now i am back at home, im still looking for a job and my depression and anxiety are even worse but im trying to live w it by rotting in bed for most of the time vaping and playing games on my pc or phone (im addicted to tft haha) i am considering buying a firearm because i saw somewhere that its possible in my country (poland) somehow without any licenses (IF SOMEONE GOT ONE FROM HERE, LET ME KNOW PLEASE I WANNA ASK QUESTIONS) and uh i wanna shoot myself when my mom and her partner are out of the house for winter break or just gonna try to hang myself again or overdose on sth impulsively once again which is not going to work ofc. or maybe even hug a tree w my car if i pass my driving test in like a week. i think firearm is the best one but idk where to buy it and how can i make sure my mom wont find it.. sorry for that long story but i wanted to talk about it for so long and when i joined that forum yesterday i feel like im finally able to talk freely.. its gonna be my comfort forum ig<3

 

[sireb_b]

I'm certainly sure that ceasing to exist is all I hope for as I'd just never wish for this torturous, dreadful and cruel existence that just causes harm and suffering, all I want is for non-existence to bring me the peace I search for from the evil, cruelty and torture of existing, to suffer in this existence is an abomination to me and I see existence as a mistake.

I just wish I could erase this existence that just tortures existing beings with no limit as to how much agony one can feel, it's just so horrific and terrifying to me how a human can be tortured in this existence for so long just to face the extreme agony of old age, for me every second is torture to be conscious, all I want is peace from the terrible, dreadful suffering of existing.

I just want this existence to be all forgotten for me and I just find it so terrible how humans cause all this harm and suffering by so tragically imposing this existence in the first place, for me only non-existence could ever be positive, only in non-existence will I be at peace from the pain and suffering of this existence.

I've been wanting to die for 20 years.

The only thing stopping me has been, not liking pain and, more importantly, I needed a method that would be 100% effective as I have no one who would look after me if it went wrong.

I now have that guaranteed method and I feel happy and peaceful. That's how I know I'm 100% sure.

when i was 12 i was bullied for 3years, the same year i started to understand why my parents got divorced and why i have to be 1 week at my moms and 1 at my dads *it later changed to whenever i wanted to i could come over* (my father was an alcoholic and i believe he cheated on my mom who became an extreme narcissist and is abusive) i started self harming because of being bullied and for not getting affection from my mother. later that year i got suicidal, i couldnt even talk to my parents because i felt like they dont understand me (they really didnt) and my mother started constantly arguing with me (she was basically looking for any kind of problems in my behaviour) my dad was still drinking, etc and i had my first attempt. later on it got worse. i got in my first relationship that ended up being toxic as hell when i was uhh idk 14? ig so. my ex was making me want to ctb just like my mother did. despite this i was still coming over to his house because i wanted to escape from my mothers hell. i had like 10 attempts meanwhile. then my father died.. he was supportive at first but then he got even worse so i started talking to my male friend who could understand what i was going thru. when he found out he thought that i am cheating at him (i wasnt, i wanted to be understood by someone not toxic) and i had a feeling that my ex might be the one who is cheating and when i had a conversation with him it ended up with hitting, him self harming and other shit like this. he wanted me to feel guilty for what he thought i did. he still wouldnt understand so i continued talking to my friend. and i decided that i am going to leave my 4,5 year relationship. when i came over to my exes house to talk, he knew its over and he started crying like a baby because apparently i was the best gf he ever had and yk, i was just perfect and nothing else mattered for him. he wanted me to be with him till the end lol. despite all that crying n shit i gave back his keys, took all of my stuff and left.he was still crying like a bitch so we continued talking for a while (just texting) and then he realized that he forgot what i did (as i said i have not cheated on him..) and when he remembered he called my mom and told her so. my mother ofc is still thinking i did that but whatever.. i just blocked him but he texted my mom that he wanted to talk to me (if he wanted he would just write a letter or sth) and when she blocked him too, he manipulated his friends to text me so i blocked all of his friends lol. when i turned 18 my mother was still looking for problems in me but there was one more. this time she wanted me to get a job so bad. ofc i want one too but in my country its so hard to get one when youre not 20 with 20 years of experience lol.. and here i am with countless attempts and scars still arguing with my mother and trying to find a job since i graduaded.. its so hard to live like this because it all gave me an anxiety disorder from all the traumas.. i really wanted to end it all for all these years (8 years has passed) and it havent changed - i still want to because it got worse and i had to live at my grandmas for like 3 months because of my anxiety attacks that got worse and ofc because of my mother and her partner who is an alcoholic as well and we just hate each other. i just had to leave. when i was at my grandmas i was planning even more attempts but that never happened there. she was a nurse and i knew if she finds me im most likely going to be given cpr and medical stuff she have been storing in her house and then taken to the hospital. now i am back at home, im still looking for a job and my depression and anxiety are even worse but im trying to live w it by rotting in bed for most of the time vaping and playing games on my pc or phone (im addicted to tft haha) i am considering buying a firearm because i saw somewhere that its possible in my country (poland) somehow without any licenses (IF SOMEONE GOT ONE FROM HERE, LET ME KNOW PLEASE I WANNA ASK QUESTIONS) and uh i wanna shoot myself when my mom and her partner are out of the house for winter break or just gonna try to hang myself again or overdose on sth impulsively once again which is not going to work ofc. or maybe even hug a tree w my car if i pass my driving test in like a week. i think firearm is the best one but idk where to buy it and how can i make sure my mom wont find it.. sorry for that long story but i wanted to talk about it for so long and when i joined that forum yesterday i feel like im finally able to talk freely.. its gonna be my comfort forum ig<3

Thank you all for sharing despite all this being quite painful, I really appreciate it <<3

 

[jeevasO-o]

I've been wanting to die for 20 years.

The only thing stopping me has been, not liking pain and, more importantly, I needed a method that would be 100% effective as I have no one who would look after me if it went wrong.

I now have that guaranteed method and I feel happy and peaceful. That's how I know I'm 100% sure.

If I may ask what is the method?

 

[itsallogrenow]

If I may ask what is the method?

SN. I already have that and the meto, just waiting for the Propranolol to arrive

 

[Macedonian1987]

I've been wanting to die for 20 years.

The only thing stopping me has been, not liking pain and, more importantly, I needed a method that would be 100% effective as I have no one who would look after me if it went wrong.

I now have that guaranteed method and I feel happy and peaceful. That's how I know I'm 100% sure.

Same. I wanted to die ever since 2003, but my life back then was still… tolerable. Fast forward to 2024 on top of my autism, loneliness and loveless life the chronic pain decided to join the party. In 2024 i began actively preparing my exit via SN. It took me a while but i managed to acquire everything for my departure: SN, benzos, meto, scale and distiled water. I will skip on propranolol. The reason: i want to feel my heart beating one last time before i go.

 

[reticulator]

When my mental state and mental illness completely derailed and destroyed my life, and the medication I take just numbs me and makes me a horribly selfish person. But without the medication I'm an anxious and depressed mess that is literally unable to focus or be productive at all.

Basically unending mental torment and anguish from the moment I get up in the morning until I go to sleep. If there is a hell, this is definitely it.