Discussion when members actually ctb

[thronesick]

i am by no means pro life. what i love most about this forum and website overall is that no one encourages you nor does anyone discourage you unless it's a risk. lately though, i'm not sure if i'm the only one who feels this way but it fills me with a sense of distress whenever i see someone here give their farewell and that's the last time their online. there's a clench in my chest. I worry if they made it or if they're now paralyzed and in critical condition. i feel almost desperate to know if it was quick and painless. i hope it was. for everyone that plans to ctb i hope it's quick and painless. i don't believe it was the wrong choice. i am just upset that it had to be a choice in the first place—for everyone here even myself why did we have to suffer so much in this world that we were drove to leave it? people comfort those in mourning by telling them their loved one is in a better place that can be true for those who ctb. i hope everyone finds peace in the end.

 

[LostLily]

It is so sad when someone post a good bye post. I can't help but feel relief when they post again and telling us that they couldn't do it.

 

[whitetaildeer]

in this exact position right now as i type this, and it's so anxiety inducing so please forgive me for this not being very coherent.

i hate the worry that i feel, that someone is hurting. that their ctb attempt failed, or is failing, and they're going through pain. worse-- and i don't know why i hate this-- but i hate that this worry precedes what should be relief: that there is a very real possibility that they're at peace right now. i should be relieved for them, but almost all of what i feel is worry.

and i feel you on hating that this is a choice for people at all. i hate that we have to suffer for some stupid god's even stupider vanity project.

 

[nomoredolor]

I became best friends with someone on this site and fell in love with him, we planned to move in together and eventually immigrate. And if needed we would Ctb together with SN. I had hope for the first time in years. Whether I lived or died I would be with him. We spent hours talking every day. He backed out and Ctb alone. He told me he would be thinking about me while he died. I am gutted. I just want to join him in death. I made a goodbye post on Dec 4 before I attempted and everyone was so kind and sweet to me. It meant a lot. He was on the phone with me while I opened my veins and overdosed. Telling me how much he loved me, how I was a good person, how much my family loved me and were all here for me. It meant the entire world to me. I do wish I had died on the phone with him.

All this to say that the members on this website can show you the deepest love when you are least expecting it and also shatter your heart and decimate your soul when they leave.

I truly wish you all the best.

Anna

 

[thronesick]

in this exact position right now as i type this, and it's so anxiety inducing so please forgive me for this not being very coherent.

i hate the worry that i feel, that someone is hurting. that their ctb attempt failed, or is failing, and they're going through pain. worse-- and i don't know why i hate this-- but i hate that this worry precedes what should be relief: that there is a very real possibility that they're at peace right now. i should be relieved for them, but almost all of what i feel is worry.

and i feel you on hating that this is a choice for people at all. i hate that we have to suffer for some stupid god's even stupider vanity project.

it's so refreshing to here i'm not the only one. relief is what we should feel but is it bad to feel grief? this website harbors some of the most thoughtful and kind people yet they are those who have been raped, abused, tormented by mental illness or wrecked by isolation and loneliness. it is spineless to encourage the suffering to keep suffering, but empathy is what we feel, of course. as well as concern and compassion. i am relieved at the thought that those who have gave us a farewell have successfully ctb but concerned if they even did if they're brain dead if they suffered and died in agony because they didn't deserve that. they deserved a peaceful ending as much as they deserved a peaceful life but life doesn't grant grace.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I never felt this way towards goodbye threads since I don't see death as a bad thing. I don't think that death is bad for the being who is dead so why should I feel bad for somebody who isn't in a bad state? Yes, I know that there isn't that somebody anymore since there is no "you" in permanent non existence but I think that you're able to understand my point nonetheless. I would feel bad for them if they failed the attempt though as that would cause them so much more pain

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I find it really difficult. Having been there myself, I know exactly how much pain it takes to push someone to that point, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.