SpiritualDeath
I return to the raiding shadows of death.
- Sep 9, 2023
- 211
When I intellectually (rationally) want to die, I:
- know that ctb is almost certain for me, since I'm not addicted to suffering (like MANY others are). It will need to happen at some point of my life (at least to get away with serious diseases or old age which is pure torture).
- can write long philosophical essays explaining why existence is not desirable under all circumstances, why no suffering in this life should be seen as necessary and acceptable, why it's reasonable for cessation to be desired, etc.
- want to read everything I can find, familiarize myself with, practically and mentally prepare myself for all methods that are accessible and reliable.
- feel content that I managed to break free from the pro-life "incantations" that are deluding people and imposing suffering on them.
- feel no strong desire to die *right now*, knowing that I can wait until I'm 100% ready and comfortable (current plan is finishing uni at 22 and then I'll see).
- am actually feeling quite positive about ctb, knowing that I get to choose to free myself, get away from instead of having to eat those piles of shit life can force me to eat.
When I emotionally want to die, I:
- may feel too depressed to even move.
- am unable to focus on anything else (literally) because all that's on my mind is ctb.
- start getting irritated by ridiculous things, like "why do I have to eat when I'm absolutely not enjoying the thing that I'm eating (or else I'll be hungry which is not pleasant)?", "why do I have to want to pee?" "why can't I punch myself whenever and wherever I feel like it?", "why do I still have to talk to people when they're just talking nonsense?", "what sense does it make?". Stupid things could lead stupid me to stupid mental breakdown.
- just want to destroy this body, aka flesh prison, so it can no longer cause harm to me or to others. nothing else matters.
- feel a strong urge to jump off that random bridge I just encountered (that I know nothing about, without any planning).
- suffer more due to the strong desire to die itself that can't be fulfilled instantly.
interesting, really interesting...
- know that ctb is almost certain for me, since I'm not addicted to suffering (like MANY others are). It will need to happen at some point of my life (at least to get away with serious diseases or old age which is pure torture).
- can write long philosophical essays explaining why existence is not desirable under all circumstances, why no suffering in this life should be seen as necessary and acceptable, why it's reasonable for cessation to be desired, etc.
- want to read everything I can find, familiarize myself with, practically and mentally prepare myself for all methods that are accessible and reliable.
- feel content that I managed to break free from the pro-life "incantations" that are deluding people and imposing suffering on them.
- feel no strong desire to die *right now*, knowing that I can wait until I'm 100% ready and comfortable (current plan is finishing uni at 22 and then I'll see).
- am actually feeling quite positive about ctb, knowing that I get to choose to free myself, get away from instead of having to eat those piles of shit life can force me to eat.
When I emotionally want to die, I:
- may feel too depressed to even move.
- am unable to focus on anything else (literally) because all that's on my mind is ctb.
- start getting irritated by ridiculous things, like "why do I have to eat when I'm absolutely not enjoying the thing that I'm eating (or else I'll be hungry which is not pleasant)?", "why do I have to want to pee?" "why can't I punch myself whenever and wherever I feel like it?", "why do I still have to talk to people when they're just talking nonsense?", "what sense does it make?". Stupid things could lead stupid me to stupid mental breakdown.
- just want to destroy this body, aka flesh prison, so it can no longer cause harm to me or to others. nothing else matters.
- feel a strong urge to jump off that random bridge I just encountered (that I know nothing about, without any planning).
- suffer more due to the strong desire to die itself that can't be fulfilled instantly.
interesting, really interesting...
