Story When I first questioned/pondered about life.

[TAW122]

Here is a story of when I first pondered and asked myself a question of whether life was worth living. Call it an epiphany or something. So here's the story and some background.

When I was a child, video games was the world to me. I always enjoyed playing video games and derived a lot of pleasure from them. Growing up in the 90's, video games wasn't popular and my parents generally disapprove of video games as they believed that a normal child should be social, be interested in sports and physical activity (boys) and arts and other stuff (girls). Without going too far off tangent, when I hit 11 years of age, in middle school, I played old school FPS games, think of Doom, Wolfenstein 3D (Wolf3d), and such. I played a few Wolf3d mods (a mod is basically a modification or alternative version of the original game) and one of them contained a realistic looking rifle (AR15 I believe) and when my father oversaw it, he demanded that I turn it off and that it was too violent and what not for me. Also keep in mind that growing up, my father was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, he wanted full obedience, no questioning authority, and he was in charge the whole time. I had a strict upbringing. He mostly wanted me to become a successful man, based on normies' standards (a nice house, at least middle class family, a wife, a decent paying job, college education, and etc.) My mother was a bandwagoner, often following blindly to my father as he was the breadwinner and king of the roof (house). There are many instances growing up where my father has beat me for not obeying or conforming, let alone all the verbal abuse, but those are other stories.

Anyways, so after what happened, I pondered to myself. Well if not for video games, then what is the point of life? What is the purpose of me existing then? As an 11 year old, I did not have serious critical thinking skills (yet), but I did dabble in a little bit of what is considered philosophy and growing up, I was the type to defy authority and question authority. I wasn't sheep, nor was I a sheepdog nor a wolf. I was a rebel and didn't want to do things just because others did them. I don't always conform to society (and still don't present day). Not wanting to brag, but I figured that perhaps I was ahead of my age group for thinking so deeply and intensely despite being socially inept and falling behind in almost all areas of life (including common sense and street smarts) except for this, video games and maybe piano playing (I took lessons ever since age 8).

When did you actually question about life and why was life worth living?

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

The first five years are the most important to future development, your basic personality will be "set" at that time, if you were not socialized via alot of interaction with other children, you will likely not develop into a whole social being without great effort. Socialization is Paramount to happiness and success. In today's world where most working people are barely scraping by with both parents working, the Outlook looks grim, your parents will be exhausted and your babysitter is unlikely to be the best environment, television will run the day. So today we have this the internet, what a poor poor excuse for real relationships, friendships. When your out in the woods walking amongst grizzly bears it isn't the strong one you need to worry about, it's the weak maladjusted wounded bear with no hunting skills who will come to satisfy itself with an easy meal. This is today's society weak people preying on the weakest, predators. A typical family of gorillas is far more adjusted then a typical family of humans today. I just wonder if it's all by design,I think so.

 

[TAW122]

The first five years are the most important to future development, your basic personality will be "set" at that time, if you were not socialized via alot of interaction with other children, you will likely not develop into a whole social being without great effort. Socialization is Paramount to happiness and success. In today's world where most working people are barely scraping by with both parents working, the Outlook looks grim, your parents will be exhausted and your babysitter is unlikely to be the best environment, television will run the day. So today we have this the internet, what a poor poor excuse for real relationships, friendships. When your out in the woods walking amongst grizzly bears it isn't the strong one you need to worry about, it's the weak maladjusted wounded bear with no hunting skills who will come to satisfy itself with an easy meal. This is today's society weak people preying on the weakest, predators. A typical family of gorillas is far more adjusted then a typical family of humans today. I just wonder if it's all by design,I think so.

Well summarized, I believe during my childhood, I wasn't properly socialized and also didn't pick up proper cues due to Aspergers and what not. Then it all snowballed as I gotten older, and past a certain point in my life, it has become very difficult (if not, impossible) for me to ever become socially competent. Many of the people around me IRL disagree with me and are so deluded and misguided that they always believe in "there is always hope" and if I disagreed, they call me out for being pessimistic and negative so I don't even bring it up anymore or I just (pretend) to agree with them so they would shut the fuck up with their delusional optimism bias, but I digress.

On January 13th, 2004, I was in 8th grade, and I developed symptoms similar to leukemia. Enlarged spleen, low platelet count, low white blood cell count, severe weakness, throwing up bile, temperature, etc. I stayed home for five days and eventually went to the hospital.

While at the hospital a number of tests were done. Leukemia was ruled out, but all of my symptoms resulted in being 'Idiopathic.' My mother took me to a different doctor or two every month. Most doctors recommended removing my spleen. Any time my mother was told this, she stopped conversing with the doctors. I remember in spring of 2004, after I had had a battery of tests done, her and I were driving home.

I asked my mother.

'Am I going to have to live with this condition for the rest of my life'

'Probably.'

It was at that point where I really acknowledged I was having problems. I had suffered from severe depression when I was 12 (November 2002 - February 2003) was a really tough period of my life. Seventh grade was a fucking terrible grade. It was to the point, where I was put on a hefty dose of anti-depressants. But I got through that. My brother and I played a lot of Jet Set Radio when it came out, and we had a lot of fun with Sonic Adventure 2 and we had just started getting into Kingdom Hearts, those games really helped break my depression, I still listen to quite a bit of the OST to Jet Set Radio.

However, this was different, I felt that my world fell apart. I had a lot of dreams and goals of playing soccer, and it was the one thing I was good at. I enjoyed soccer. Soccer was part of my future ambitions. It was an important and pivotal part of my development. I played soccer in elementary school. I was a good player. It was something I was good at. In that moment, with that conversation, I realized that I would not be playing high school soccer or playing soccer ever again.

Now, let's be real here. I wouldn't have made the team in high school. I failed a good portion of my classes in high school, and there was no way that my academic standing would allow me to play on the team. But, I was at a very vulnerable time in my life. I was essentially going from doctor to doctor at this point being told that I needed surgery, medication, or some sort of spleen guard. My mother would cry and cry in the doctors office. I was very attached to my mother, and seeing her cry made me cry. What I wouldn't come to realize until about a decade later was that I my mother has Manchusen Syndrome and I was her proxy.

It was at this time in the car with my mother where I really took a hard look at my future and realized the absolute uncertainty of it for the first time. I pondered in my child like mind, what would the future hold now, and what is the point of any of this. Unfortunately, I was very easily manipulated and controlled (As are all impressionable children) and I placed my faith in the Catholic Church and modern medicine. Neither proved reliable as God wasn't going to be curing me, and any form of treatment from modern medicine was controlled by my mother.

So early Spring of 2004.

That's quite the hard time in life, my adolescent years sucked badly too, albeit mine happened when I was 14, as a freshman in high school. Long story short, all the bullying at school and my father's tough love abuse. At that time, I've seriously considered ctb'ing or escaping my parents and dying of other causes (getting killed on the street, homelessness, etc). Also, I didn't know that you were athletic, the opposite of me. The most athletic I was was in my sophomore year of high school on the swim team and I was on the 10th percentile of the team, I'm just not built for athletic stuff. Instead, I was musically talented and focused my efforts on piano playing. Thanks for sharing your experiences nonetheless.