When I ctb, I will be "sticking it to the universe"

[CantDoIt]

This is hard to explain but I always imagine myself being like "take this!" When I ctb, where I take SN/N/put on the exit bag and project what I'm feeling, which is mostly resentment and anger.

I caused my own problems, but "fate" also set me up by putting me in the situations that would cause these problems and ultimately culminating in the things that make me want to ctb today.

If I didn't randomly have the parents I had, if I didn't randomly have personality issues, if I had even slightly more favorable genetics or slightly more foresight when I was younger.

But it was the wrong combo of traits in the wrong situation and now it's too late. So I feel like the universe is taunting me, or wanted me to suffer, and also gave me a personality that can't "take" suffering like some people.

And by ctbing, the universe will no longer be able to force me to suffer unless I'm reincarnated or something.

I know it's "crazy" but honestly it helps me feel better about everything.

 

[Plato'sCaveDweller]

This is hard to explain but I always imagine myself being like "take this!" When I ctb, where I take SN/N/put on the exit bag and project what I'm feeling, which is mostly resentment and anger.

I caused my own problems, but "fate" also set me up by putting me in the situations that would cause these problems and ultimately culminating in the things that make me want to ctb today.

If I didn't randomly have the parents I had, if I didn't randomly have personality issues, if I had even slightly more favorable genetics or slightly more foresight when I was younger.

But it was the wrong combo of traits in the wrong situation and now it's too late. So I feel like the universe is taunting me, or wanted me to suffer, and also gave me a personality that can't "take" suffering like some people.

And by ctbing, the universe will no longer be able to force me to suffer unless I'm reincarnated or something.

I know it's "crazy" but honestly it helps me feel better about everything.

I feel the same way. You are not crazy!

My CTB will also be a real nice "fuck you" to not only the universe (or fate, however we wish to symbolically represent it), but to suicide preventionists, my mother for forcing me here (dad is alr dead), and society for being a cold uncaring machine. And the best part is, if I don't get reincarnated (or any other post-mortem ontological/metaphysical possibility), I'll finally be free of existence. I so wish I could've remained non-existent. I don't like any of the suffering that goes on in the world, and some days it can be very hard to cope. And my own suffering, while it pales in comparison to others', can also be hard to deal with sometimes. But man, aside from providing my own bus ticket to freedom, it'll be nice to leave the world with a metaphorical middle-finger to it all.