When did you know you wanted to ctb ?

[stuckinthemud]

What age were you when you knew you wanted to ctb ? And why ?

For me it was last year just before 35. A lot had happened in the 7 years before knowing I wanted to. I got brain damage at 28 by a medication then long Covid and an abusive relationship just finished me off.
I did love life at one point.

 

[FuneralCry]

I cannot remember ever wishing to exist in my case, even when I was very young the thought of ceasing to exist comforted me so much. Wanting death is all that makes sense for me as to have the ability to exist will always be very undesirable, it's tragic how humans force life here in the first place, I see death as the way to find peace from the burden of existing as a human, I'd always see it as better to not exist no matter what.

 

[steppingoff]

When I was a teenager. I had started to think about it and then made an attempt that failed

Ever since then, I just assumed I would eventually hang myself. I have a sense there is a "best before" date in life. And I want to go before that expires

 

[hikikomorizombie]

i 1st planned an attempt when i was 13. however, i'd say i've only been seriously, truly suicidal for the last 6 yrs. thx to the nonstop devolvement of my life w little-no relief, ik that's all my future holds for me as well, & i have no interest in that. not gonna stay in the neverending tug of war game that is life, fighting tooth & nail, just for mild misery + hatred at best.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Ever since I knew what death was... which happened at a young age. Death sounds so blissful and peaceful to me

 

[Forever Sleep]

When I was 10. I was grieving after 3 close family members who had died and growing up with a (suspected) narcissist. I can pretty much remember the exact moment, sitting on my bed, looking out the window and feeling so unhappy and in it just popped- 'You'd be better off dead.' Then, it just kept on coming back every time life was really hard.

 

[gizmogone]

I cannot remember ever wishing to exist in my case, even when I was very young the thought of ceasing to exist comforted me so much. Wanting death is all that makes sense for me as to have the ability to exist will always be very undesirable, it's tragic how humans force life here in the first place, I see death as the way to find peace from the burden of existing as a human, I'd always see it as better to not exist no matter what.

Since I was in a car seat. Drunk mom got into a car accident and I wish I had died then. I got really good at faking to the world. And for a LONG time I got good at pushing suicide ideas to the back of my mind, with intermittent slips, but for the past 8 to 10 years, it's no longer easy. More recently, I've self sabotaged, and I am now to the point where I have my plan to ctb, I am just trying to get my "ducks in a row" so I leave the least amount of crap for my family to deal with.

 

[losing hope]

For me, every day confirms I have to ctb to keep my sanity. I am someone who thinks manners cost nothing, yet this world is becoming so hateful, divided & unloving / uncaring. Ain't going to become just another capitalist consumer & fighting my fellow man, just so I can have the lastest iphone. Hence why I have to ctb....

...hopefully doing so will enable me to find my tribe of nice ppl (Alan Turin, Chester Bennington, Kurt Cobain etc)

 

[WilliamXX]

I'm in my 40's and my suicidal thoughts started last year. They grew into an obsession with easiness. The planning and processing was almost exciting. Things happened, and I am at a different stage again and the processing has started again.

 

[Abyssal]

Wanted to? 8-9 years old.

Realization that I was certainly going to was about a year or two ago, though I've had moments of realization in the past that lasted until the end of my attempts.

 

[jbear824]

I was 7 years old. I had walked to school that morning (it was right down the street), and I got to the recess yard and looked around at everyone playing, talking, hanging out. And I just stood there and like an epiphany I realized that I wanted to die. I was ready, and have been since that moment.

 

[onbekend]

Only about 1-2 years. For me, It's not just one singular aspect or multiple shitty things in my life simultaneously. It's just that I hate everything life has to offer, A mix of it all brings the worst feeling I've ever had and I just want it to end.

 

[UKscotty]

I lose track lol.. I think most teens and young adults go through a period of wanting to die, so I don't think counting that makes sense.

I'd say if you exclude typical child/teen suicide ideation, about 20 to 25 years for me. On and off intense levels over time.

Many methods and attempts explored.

 

[barkbark]

i literally can't even remember when i first started wanting to die— it's just kinda always been there, i think. in fact one of the things i will never forget, and something that is morbidly hilarious for some ungodly reason, is that before i even understood the concept of double negatives i was trying to search "least painless ways to kill myself"

 

[mortuarymary]

When I knew a lifetime on meds wasn't going to help. I know I'll end up with demons beyond my control and if my mind goes, that's it.