When did you decide to stop trying to stay alive? + tiny rant

[shekindabadtho…]

If you're at the point when you're just going on living but you're not trying anymore and just waiting for that final push, do you feel like you've never had the chance to live or you've always had the chance and never tried hard enough?

I really can't say that I've ever tried my best in fact I think I've been disappearing in many different ways without trying since I was a kid. It has never worked the way I wanted to of course. When I'm perceived in anyway positive and especially negative it actually hurts more than anything because I'm like NOT EVEN TRYING TO DO ANYTHING. It's crazy

 

[ForWhatPurpose]

I've had ideation all my life and also kept an off-again diary since I was a teenager. when I read it over, I realized that I've just been writing about CTB for the last 7+ years. For the last 3 years, it went from passive ideation to active planning. Over the last year, the few things I had that kept me distracted all fell apart. I realized I'd done all the things I was supposed to, and I still just didn't want to go on.

a bit ranty, but yeah, I had every chance to live and I took them all. Living just ain't for me.

 

[shekindabadtho…]

I've had ideation all my life and also kept an off-again diary since I was a teenager. when I read it over, I realized that I've just been writing about CTB for the last 7+ years. For the last 3 years, it went from passive ideation to active planning. Over the last year, the few things I had that kept me distracted all fell apart. I realized I'd done all the things I was supposed to, and I still just didn't want to go on.

a bit ranty, but yeah, I had every chance to live and I took them all. Living just ain't for me.

Straight up one of the reasons I haven't really wanted motivation to live is because it would fuck me up if I actually try and then fail, and then after that I would be in pain while knowing I would not actually have the mind to do go and end it.

 

[ForWhatPurpose]

Yeah. it kinda do be that way. As much as I wanna believe I'll just be able to do it and be done with it. SI is one hell of a thing to go up against. Then again, I guess that's why there are so many of us here.

 

[rednights]

I suppose I'd say that I'm in a okay spot with life, things could've gone better but they could be way worse. So I have had a chance. It's just that my brain isn't built for all the responsibilities that come with living.

I have tried my best in the past. But I fell short, and it's more struggle than it's worth, so I'm not trying anymore either.