Discussion When did it start?

[Isadeth]

My first attempt to ctb was at age 9. I tried to hang myself in the attic. It was after a verbal altercation with my mother and she was drunk. I was always her parent, in the sense I had to step up to make sure she didn't kill us both, as well as take care of her.

She had told me, "I wish you were dead, why can't you just die already? If you would die, I wouldn't even come to your funeral."

It honestly took my breath away. But I thought, "wish granted." And so I went to my attic, and tried. I tried for over an hour and still it didn't work. I thought it would be easy, but I was wrong.

I often wonder what would have happened had it did work? 9 is young, but not unheard of. Hell, children younger have succeeded.

That was the beginning. It was when the suicidal ideation and attempts started. How could a mother say that, drunk or not?

I couldn't imagine ever saying that to my own children. I currently have a 9 year old. It makes me sick to my stomach at the thought of him completing.

Anyways,

I was just curious when the thoughts started for you... when the first action was taken. I know I'm not the only one, especially at such a young age.

Edit: I changed the title to better fit the post. Sorry For any confusion!

♡

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I've had thoughts about it since I was 11 or 12. Almost acted on them a few times in my life, then I actually acted on them earlier this year. I feel a bit invalid because it took me so long to, ya know, do something. But oh well, that's just my mind being a dick.

I'm so sorry your mother said that. You absolutely didn't deserve that, mate.

 

[Unspoken]

I'm so sorry you heard that from someone so important in your life. That absolutely devastates a person, let alone a child.
My thoughts began around early high school. Probably 14, when I started cutting and not caring if I lived or died. I didn't attempt until I was 23. 9 is very young. I wish you well and admire your strength.

 

[Isadeth]

I've had thoughts about it since I was 11 or 12. Almost acted on them a few times in my life, then I actually acted on them earlier this year. I feel a bit invalid because it took me so long to, ya know, do something. But oh well, that's just my mind being a dick.

I'm so sorry your mother said that. You absolutely didn't deserve that, mate.

It doesn't invalidate you. Not at all. I acted on impulse out of anger and hurt.

I'm sorry you were also a child when it started. ♡

I'm so sorry you heard that from someone so important in your life. That absolutely devastates a person, let alone a child.
My thoughts began around early high school. Probably 14, when I started cutting and not caring if I lived or died. I didn't attempt until I was 23. 9 is very young. I wish you well and admire your strength.

I also started cutting and being reckless. Weirdly enough I have 14 years cut free and take pride in it, despite being on this site.

I'm sorry you also endured the pain and sorrow at such a young age.

♡

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I first thought about it when I was 8 or 9. My sister moved away from home and my best friend moved to another city. I ate a lot of sweets and gained weight. My mother told me she did not want to have a fat child. A kid from school picked on me daily and I was extremely lonely. That is when I started to think about suicide, but I did not attempt until I was 14.

 

[Isadeth]

I first thought about it when I was 8 or 9. My sister moved away from home and my best friend moved to another city. I ate a lot of sweets and gained weight. My mother told me she did not want to have a fat child. A kid from school picked on me daily and I was extremely lonely. That is when I started to think about suicide, but I did not attempt until I was 14.

Another person around 8/9 :( I'm sorry that's when it started with the thoughts. The fact your sister moved just adds insults to injury.

I attempted again at 14 so I can relate. You're still a baby then. At least in perspective now. I'm sorry you endured bullying and your mother being horrific. That's awful. I went the opposite and turned to anorexia to try to feel in control.

I hope you're doing well now

♡
Also thank you all for the support and love. ♡ I can only hope to reciprocate.

 

[Brillet]

You were so young. I'm so sorry to hear that.
I've first developed suicidal thoughts when I was 11 maybe. But it started to be more severe at age 13. My first suicide attempt was at the age of 18. 3 yrs and a couple more suicide attempts later and I'm still here

 

[lostangel]

13 was when suicide became a regular thought.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Another person around 8/9 :( I'm sorry that's when it started with the thoughts. The fact your sister moved just adds insults to injury.

I attempted again at 14 so I can relate. You're still a baby then. At least in perspective now. I'm sorry you endured bullying and your mother being horrific. That's awful. I went the opposite and turned to anorexia to try to feel in control.

I hope you're doing well now

♡
Also thank you all for the support and love. ♡ I can only hope to reciprocate.

Thank you. I hope you are doing well too. Some people I have talked to told me that they had happy childhoods and only started to consider suicide at an adult age, when they faced problems like unemployment, divorce etc. I envy them in a way, because at least they had some periods of happiness and stability in their lives. It is hard to keep going when you have almost no positive memories and life experiences in your past.

 

[Isadeth]

Thank you. I hope you are doing well too. Some people I have talked to told me that they had happy childhoods and only started to consider suicide at an adult age, when they faced problems like unemployment, divorce etc. I envy them in a way, because at least they had some periods of happiness and stability in their lives. It is hard to keep going when you have almost no positive memories and life experiences in your past.

I feel this. You're not the only one who is envious. I don't think their reasons are invalid because it occured later in life, but I'm jealous. I wish I didn't have to grow up so quickly. I wish I could reminisce like most of the people I know about their childhoods... instead, I have to really pick and choose the good memories, and even they are tainted. But, I try to take the majority of the good from them. Unfortunately, I've run out of stories because there aren't many, so everyone has heard them all.

Thank you for your well wishes ♡

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Your story sounds awful, I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I'm not sure when it started for me. I can remember saying things about life being 'stupid' and wanting to die or not seeing the point in living when I was around 10. I don't think I was necessarily suicidal as a child, but I always lived in a kind of fantasy world and had a real aversion to accepting having to live out a normal life. As I grew older it became apparent that I struggled with a lot of things; I couldn't socialize properly, couldn't motivate myself to work and had awful self esteem. At 14 it hit me that I actually didn't like my life and I started thinking about suicide as an escape.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

It started when I was a kid. I wasn't suicidal then - didn't even understand the concept of it, but I was definately unhappy for a good part of my childhood. It wasn't serious; like I wasn't depressed or anything, but still. Loneliness through school - being unable to mix in with the crowd, bullying, rejection and some abuse to top it off. I missed out on a lot of things that other "normal" kids experienced, and it carried on into my mid-teen years. I remember thinking when I was 15: "Things aren't gonna change for me. It will be the same for the rest of my life."

When I hit 17 things started to change though. I was in college, school was behind me and a lot of my problems started to resolve themselves. I no longer felt isolated and I was with a small crowd that didn't bully me... I could be myself! It felt like I was regaining lost time and experiencing things that I should have before, and it felt amazing - reality was different. This wouldn't last though...

When I had reached 19, after having 2 years of feeling genuinely happy that's when the suicidal thoughts started. I don't know why - was it childhood trauma surfacing? Or was I becoming more self-aware because I was older, and knew the good times would not last? I'm not sure. The thoughts of suicide at first were only subtle and not common; in fact they didn't even bother me and they were just in the background, but it did feel weird having them since up until that point I'd never even considered killing myself. It was an alien concept to me. I was able to manage the suicidal thoughts; while maintaining really good close-friendships as an introvert. Things were still going good depite those bad thoughts.

Over time, maybe a few months, that's when things started to get bad. The thoughts od dying started to come more and more. They were also accompanied by feelings of dread and guilt, and I don't mean the unhappiness I felt as a kid, but really, really horrible thoughts of self-loathing and of pure anger toward myself. Around this time was when close-friends started to become distant and other problems in my life creeped in. By this time I was 20 but almost 21. I started getting anxiety about being old, because at the time 21 felt ancient. This blew me over the edge. One day I decided to try and take my own life. I won't go into it here but I made a pretty detailed post about it in another thread. Anyway, as you might have guessed, I lived. I'm a bit older now, the good times that happened between 17-20 have ended, and within the past 2 years my life has went horribly wrong. What is happening right now is exactly what happened to me as a kid; I'm back to being isolated and having pretty much no friends or connections. I have come full circle - my life is repeating itself. Now I regret not taking my life when I was younger and happier; before it all went wrong.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Last year. I was sitting. Thinking. My mind was like: I go on like this or ctb..

 

[Clut]

About age 13 for me. Sorry to hear about your horrible experience x

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

My first attempt was when i was 9

 

[Isadeth]

My first attempt was when i was 9

I'm sorry :( what method did you try with? It's awful to be so young and be consumed with wanting to be gone. Whether being gone is for us, or to punish someone close to us.

 

[maru.]

My first attempt to ctb was at age 9. I tried to hang myself in the attic. It was after a verbal altercation with my mother and she was drunk. I was always her parent, in the sense I had to step up to make sure she didn't kill us both, as well as take care of her.

She had told me, "I wish you were dead, why can't you just die already? If you would die, I wouldn't even come to your funeral."

It honestly took my breath away. But I thought, "wish granted." And so I went to my attic, and tried. I tried for over an hour and still it didn't work. I thought it would be easy, but I was wrong.

I often wonder what would have happened had it did work? 9 is young, but not unheard of. Hell, children younger have succeeded.

That was the beginning. It was when the suicidal ideation and attempts started. How could a mother say that, drunk or not?

I couldn't imagine ever saying that to my own children. I currently have a 9 year old. It makes me sick to my stomach at the thought of him completing.

I'm speechless, this was just... so miserable.
I'm so sorry, you didn't deserve to go through all of that, no one does.
Like, parents are the only people on earth who are literally supposed to love you, as in, an obligation.
I mean, the only reason anyone is here in the first place is because our parents chose it for us, we couldn't choose ourselves.
Now, i don't think there's anything inherently wrong with that, but now that the kid is there, loving the kid isn't a thing you do if you want, it's an obligation.
A parent is supposed to be the net we can all fall on if we ever trip, if that net is not there, every fall becomes a lot more painful and deadly.
That's especially truth to kids, who naturally fall more, so they need that net more, if it isn't there, they'll be full of scars in no time.
Growing up with a mother saying those things to you and treating you like this, i mean, fuck.
I don't know what else to say, just know that it's not your fault.
Also, it's clear that you're doing your best to be a better mother to your kid than your mother was to you, and that's truly admirable.
If you ever need to talk to someone, you can PM me if you want.

Anyways,

I was just curious when the thoughts started for you... when the first action was taken. I know I'm not the only one, especially at such a young age.

Well, like, compared to what you had to go through it will probably sound very petty and spoiled, but since you've shared your story with us, i guess it's fair.
it was 2 years ago, i was 18.
I had depression for around a year at this point, and i was not taking it well at all.

Like, childhood was pretty ok bullying aside, and my teenage years, tho girlfriend-less, were perfect in just about every other aspect, i loved being alive.
So i just though that's how life was going to be, it was only getting better with time, it didn't even occur to me that i could ever be suicidal, like, ever.
I still had these illusions that i was a protagonist, i was special, everything would work out because, well, it just would, that's how my mind worked.

Then some things happened.
A lot of things actually, again, probably nothing too major, but i'm much more weak, lazy and spoiled than most people are, so it was more than enough for me.
I went from being the happiest high school student alive, to being a miserable college student, in less than 3 years, i lost everything that made me love life.
Then, one day i wake up to go to college, go to the kitchen, drink something, and decide to skip class that day, again, because i just couldn't stand going.
My mom wasn't happy, i guess she had enough, and just said: "Do you want to just dropout? Then you'll work with me and your dad at the store".
I know this might not sound like a big deal, but to me it was just, i don't know, it just broke all of my empty hopes and illusions for good.
Literally every single thing that could go wrong did so, and it went wrong so fast, i wasn't ready for it, for the "Real World" as so many people like to call it.
I realised at that moment that, well, not only do a lot of people never get a happy ending, but i also realised for the first time that i could be one of those people.
Not only that, but that it was very likely that i would be, and suddently the though of killing myself, something that seemed so absurd, became very, very real.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I've never attempted. I've never considered any option other than a bullet in the brain, and that is instant death. I'm too scared to pull the trigger.
I started feeling suicidal around age 14.

 

[Greenberg]

For me, it was much later in life (think mid-life) when I was living with a physically abusive alcoholic and I was out of work. It was a very low point in my life after a prolonged period of consecutive successes. I felt doomed in a dead-end relationship, as she was reliving her past trauma. It was like living a real-life horror nightmare with no apparent end.

 

[Existingnotliving]

I was 13 when I stared self harming, I don't remember my feelings before then. I know I hated life from a young age though through posts popping up on memories from years ago. I first tried to kill myself when I was 17, I wasn't really sure what I was doing then so it clearly didn't work. My self harm and my suicide attempts have got more severe since then. I think it sucks when we've dealt with these thoughts/feelings from such a young age, makes me feel like there's no hope for a better future when all I've known is this.