Discussion When CTB is no longer sad, are you numb or ready?

[alexit]

As I posted, I am on a road to recovery. Things have improved but I'm still a mess and I've got a long way to go. But I have to admit the thought of suicide no longer causes me sadness. I've decided to stick around because I think I have a chance to turn things around. That being said the topic is just a different path. Life, death, each has its pros and cons. Does it sound like I'm numb or do you relate or both?

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I guess both? It does sound that you've grown numb to the idea and I can relate. I guess at a certain point, after being seriously suicidal it becomes normalized in your own mind. For most people death like that is something horrifying or tragic and it takes a lot to begin to have suicidal thoughts. But once you get used to the idea of taking your own life, it stops horrifying you or making you sad, when it crosses your mind it feels about the same as thinking "maybe I should quit my job" or "maybe I should move to a different city" - just another big decision. For me the point where ending my life went from being a tragedy to being a familiar idea that casually comes up in my mind when things are bad was after my first more or less serious suicide attempt. It took a lot to push me to that point, but after crossing that line once it was no longer sad or scary.
It doesn't mean you can't recover though. My first serious suicide attempt was in high school, and even though I was still in a very bad place for a while after that, the best years of my life came after it, I was able to let go of my suicidal thoughts and overcome my depression for quite a while. The only difference that going numb to the idea of suicide made was that once things turned bad again suicidal thoughts came up rather quickly. But things indeed can turn around if you stick around to see it, so good luck on your journey to a better place in life!

 

[ladolcemorte]

I agree that being suicidal over a long period of time starts to feel somewhat normal after awhile. I remember talking to a friend once who was saying how terrified she was when she had the thought of taking all her back pain pills. She said that that moment was "way too close", and it prompted her to change her life significantly. I was shocked at the idea of such a thought being shocking...thoughts like that were par for the course in my world...

I think if you believe you have a shot at recovery, you should take it. It might be hard to get rid of the thoughts if they have been there for awhile, but that doesn't mean you ought to act on them. Best of luck to you!

 

[alexit]

I guess both? It does sound that you've grown numb to the idea and I can relate. I guess at a certain point, after being seriously suicidal it becomes normalized in your own mind. For most people death like that is something horrifying or tragic and it takes a lot to begin to have suicidal thoughts. But once you get used to the idea of taking your own life, it stops horrifying you or making you sad, when it crosses your mind it feels about the same as thinking "maybe I should quit my job" or "maybe I should move to a different city" - just another big decision. For me the point where ending my life went from being a tragedy to being a familiar idea that casually comes up in my mind when things are bad was after my first more or less serious suicide attempt. It took a lot to push me to that point, but after crossing that line once it was no longer sad or scary.
It doesn't mean you can't recover though. My first serious suicide attempt was in high school, and even though I was still in a very bad place for a while after that, the best years of my life came after it, I was able to let go of my suicidal thoughts and overcome my depression for quite a while. The only difference that going numb to the idea of suicide made was that once things turned bad again suicidal thoughts came up rather quickly. But things indeed can turn around if you stick around to see it, so good luck on your journey to a better place in life!

You're right on so much especially about suicidal thoughts bubbling up quicker. Thanks for your response. It made sense of some things. Thanks.