When am I allowed to make a choice?

[anhedonicNfoggy]

I really do feel miserable. I really do think suicide is justifiable everyday instead of only after a breakdown

But I'm worried how I'll hurt my parents. They're nice people. They try to help me the best they can. They financially support my education. They had a few slip-ups but overall I couldn't ask for anything better

I don't want to hurt them. Part of me wants to live because I want them to be happy but also I just don't know how much I can bear it any longer

Do I literally have to try every antidepressant available and every treatment before I have the right to do this? And besides for antidepressants, they work for some time and ur tolerance increases and you just have to keep increasing until you can't and have to switch to a new medication. It's like running a hamster ball sorta. There's no stable solution. It's just chasing the next best solution and telling urself to bear with it longer. Just years and years of continuous chasing

Btw, info
My age : 20
Years of depression : 3 1/2 years

 

[Dying Knight]

I think, the rational approach would be trying to find effective methods of weakening your depression and keeping suicide as a plan B for the case if none of the methods work satisfactory enough on you for at least 3 - 5 years. Antidepressants are not the only way of dealing with depression, there are also techniques of psychological training that may make you feel much better.

 

[anhedonicNfoggy]

I think, the rational approach would be trying to find effective methods of weakening your depression and keeping suicide as a plan B for the case if none of the methods work satisfactory enough on you for at least 3 - 5 years. Antidepressants are not the only way of dealing with depression, there are also techniques of psychological training that may make you feel much better.

I really hate therapy tho. And I feel frankly, the problems are less about hating myself. I guess I'm negative but I'm not saying anything factually wrong. Anyways I think that's the least of my concerns. It's the symptoms like the poor quality sleep, lack of appetite, brain fog, reduced attention span, spotty memory, fatigue, anhedonia that is tough for me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

As a philisophical question, it depends on your beliefs. Who do you think owns your life? I'd say we all have the right to choose to CTB. If you want understanding from others though, that's going to vary person to person. Some people will never accept suicide as an ok solution- no matter what you've tried.

Your dilema sounds more personal though- involving your parents. When it comes down to personal feelings- it gets more tricky. I completely relate to you. I don't feel like I can do it to my Dad. Personally, I want to hang on if I can- to wait for him to go first. But, I guess I feel like I can tread water- at least for now.

Sometimes I've considered- if I were to do it- would I be able to warn him before. Try and explain how difficult I find life. That I don't even want to try to make things better now. That the kindest and bravest thing he could do would be to let me go. I know it would break his heart though. Like you- I love my Dad. He's a kind and sensitive man. Realistically, I know I can't do it to him. I can't even tell him because I know that would be almost as bad. I'm sorry. It's a really tough situation to be in.

 

[FuneralCry]

Nobody is obligated to exist here for even a second longer than they wish to, we all have our right to free ourselves from this existence we were burdened with, it's up to you when to leave this world. And anyway to die is the most normal thing, and people will die someday whether there is a reason behind it or not so I don't understand the view that suicide needs to be justified, it's always a personal decision deciding when to leave like I said, I wish you the best.