Venting When All Your Dreams Die

[Cherry Crumpet]

It's funny. I always thought I'd be a mother. Even though it wasn't something I actively perused or thought about, I just assumed when I was "middle aged" I would... well... end up with a family... because isn't that what most people do?

When I hit 30, the big panic began and I made a plan. Lose this much weight by 33. Meet someone at 34. Get married at 36. Have a child. Be a mother. Be normal.

I'm three days away from 37 right now. I'm 34 lbs heavier than I was at 30. I had a relationship for two years - that ended in December. My life feels like it's in shambles. I can see all of the dreams I had.. my checklists.. all of them broken. I failed at all of them.

I drink wine after work.

My mom doesn't have the money to live on her own. She lives with me. We live in my one bedroom apartment. I live for her though. She is my reason now.

I take prescribed xanax everyday.

This is my life.

...

Pretty funny huh? It seems like a joke to me.

Sometimes I feel like nothing is left for me. I need to stay for my mother though.

Other times I try to think that maybe I didn't want any of that.. because it was never something I activly desired in the moment. It was just something 'out there'. I just felt like it was what I should want. And then I confuse myself even more. Wondering what the fuck I even want out of this life. What do I really want, and what do I just feel socially conditioned to think I 'want'? But I know something hollow and tender breaks a little bit more each time I think of the child I will never have. That must mean something, right?

I feel like I'm on a precipice. Teetering on a taunt line or something. On one side, is absolute despair while on the other side is a foggy unclear vision of what might be a fulfilling life. If I can find it.

Thanks for listening...

 

[Last chance]

It's funny. I always thought I'd be a mother. Even though it wasn't something I actively perused or thought about, I just assumed when I was "middle aged" I would... well... end up with a family... because isn't that what most people do?

When I hit 30, the big panic began and I made a plan. Lose this much weight by 33. Meet someone at 34. Get married at 36. Have a child. Be a mother. Be normal.

I'm three days away from 37 right now. I'm 34 lbs heavier than I was at 30. I had a relationship for two years - that ended in December. My life feels like it's in shambles. I can see all of the dreams I had.. my checklists.. all of them broken. I failed at all of them.

I drink wine after work.

My mom doesn't have the money to live on her own. She lives with me. We live in my one bedroom apartment. I live for her though. She is my reason now.

I take prescribed xanax everyday.

This is my life.

...

Pretty funny huh? It seems like a joke to me.

Sometimes I feel like nothing is left for me. I need to stay for my mother though.

Other times I try to think that maybe I didn't want any of that.. because it was never something I activly desired in the moment. It was just something 'out there'. I just felt like it was what I should want. And then I confuse myself even more. Wondering what the fuck I even want out of this life. What do I really want, and what do I just feel socially conditioned to think I 'want'? But I know something hollow and tender breaks a little bit more each time I think of the child I will never have. That must mean something, right?

I feel like I'm on a precipice. Teetering on a taunt line or something. On one side, is absolute despair while on the other side is a foggy unclear vision of what might be a fulfilling life. If I can find it.

Thanks for listening...

I turned 37 in December and I feel much the same,like it's too late for me now. I was in a relationship for 2 years up until a month ago,had a step daughter and we were planning on moving in together and having a baby of our own this year. Then she ended it and is now seeing someone else already.

I feel like I have missed the boat,I don't have the time to build another relationship up enough to have a child with someone and it's making me the most depressed I have been in my life.

Im sorry you feel this way.

 

[Lady black]

I hope your dreams will come true. 37 is not 97. And forget about your weight. Nobody that really loves you, loves you cause you are so slim that you have to run Inn circles while having a shower, just to get hit by the water from the shower. I understand that it's hard to live with your mother. Believe in it and maybe one day you live the life of your dream.

 

[WornOutLife]

You're still young! You can win this battle if you get the strength, which I know it's not easy at all.

Just like you, I'm only living for a person. In my case, my father. He's everything to me and I don't want him to suffer. He needs me.

Anyway, hope you can feel better soon! I thought I was gonna ctb last January and here I am, trying to live. I wish you could do it too!