An extensive trauma history (dating back to nearly dying of neglect as a newborn) is most likely what fucked me up for life: I was more or less doomed from the start. Even as a very little baby, the damage could be seen- I stopped crying, because I learned as a teeny tiny infant, no one would be coming to comfort me, and it was pointless to do so. You could go even further back and point the finger at my crippling genetics: I have a debilitatingly painful, progressive, incurable genetic disorder- that has robbed me of a pain free life, the ability to ethically have children, and so much of my capacity to do the things that do bring me peace or happiness.
There was never a possibility that I would have been as happy as a child who did not have to go through such intense damage- add on top of that religious trauma, an ACE score of 10, being severely parentified from the age of three, a near decade long eating disorder, being bullied behind the scenes by people who I thought really loved me as friends and even as a sister to one for about a decade (when I found out who was responsible, I cut every single one of them out of my life without a second thought, but it shattered my trust in others), abusive relationships, shame and guilt surrounding being LGBT while raised in a highly conservative and religious context, and just an alphabet soup of mental illness- PTSD and my depressive symptoms suck all the joy out of my life, hamper my ability to find meaningful connection and a sense of purpose. God, there's so much wrong with me- that's been wrong with my life.
Animals gnaw their legs off when caught in a trap, even if they wind up bleeding out and dying. Is it any surprise I'd do the same?
