What’s your story?

[Zailian]

I'm curious about how we all ended up here. You don't need to tell me the whole story; just tell me what made you give up on life. I cannot tolerate this world. I grew up a very happy kid, I even can't imagine how I ended up like this sometimes. Life wasn't so great when I started to grow, I assume many of you are like me in that sense

 

[Defenestration]

mental illnesses that cannot be cured...

 

[TheHolySword]

Tired. Just at the end. I died a long time ago, just need my body to catch up.

 

[tiredash]

I have three unsolvable problems:
Depression, everything hurts, every day, all the time
Nothing attracts or interests me
Huge need for someone to love me and trust

This has been this way since I was a kid, I was never better. 3rd one is "technically" solvable, which is what I have tried for many years, but women dont want people like me...

 

[ma0]

1. Be a fucking idiot
2. Be shit at everything I like doing
3. Hate the fact I'm a fucking idiot and that I'm shit at everything I like doing.
4. Find the forum full of people just like me

That's basically it.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I starring having thoughts about wanting to die in elementary school and I still do today. I am talentless and a complete idiot and I just don't find existence to be all that appealing.

 

[eike2838]

depression since i was a teenager

 

[SVEN]

I starring having thoughts about wanting to die in elementary school and I still do today. I am talentless and a complete idiot and I just don't find existence to be all that appealing.

I genuinely like your art, if that counts at all.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

A big failure in life and ultimately I ended up here.

 

[Agon321]

The world is an unfunny comedy and I feel like the main actor. My brain tells me that leaving on "my own terms" is the best way to do it. I have less and less strength to argue with my own brain.

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally wish to cease existing as I find it deeply undesirable to exist in every way possible, I'd always prefer to die than be conscious in this existence suffering all for the sake of it, for me non-existence truly is the only peace and relief. I find it such a cruel, futile burden to exist in general, for me I'm just not meant for something as torturous and pointless as existence with no limit as to how much one can suffer, I've never wished to exist and never would do no matter what.

I have no interest in suffering all for the sake of it in this horrific world just to be tortured by old age and die anyway, I'd always prefer to permanently cease exist than be trapped in this existence that I never would have chose in the first place just waiting to die anyway, non-existence is all that's positive for me, non-existence would solve everything for me after all if I don't exist then nothing can concern me and all is finally gone. I just see existence as an abomination, I see existence as the most terrible, tragic mistake that just causes harm and suffering, I see no point, benefit and value to suffering in existence and I find it a tragedy how this existence was even imposed at all.

 

[H.O.Xan]

Being stupid, tired, ptsd, can't keep up with the world. Life's permanently full of temporary problems. Want to get swallowed by the earth but not happening :(

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

A big failure in life and ultimately I ended up here.

Yip, this one for me too. A big epic failure.

 

[sximii]

I'm autistic and my entire family is very emotionally unstable, so that's just genetically embedded into me. If that wasn't good enough I went through abuse as a child (not at the hands of my family, thank god) which obviously didn't help and made me develop BPD. I have made many suicide attempts, this landed me in hospital and psychiatric division many times as well. At some point I became catatonic, I couldn't go to school, take care of myself, sometimes I would stop talking for hours or days. I was hurting myself so badly my parents couldn't leave me alone in a room, I wasn't allowed to close the door to the bathroom even. I was restricted basically all internet access, I couldn't even use Google search. Sometimes I had to be physically restrained so I didn't hurt myself, it got into physical arguments sometimes. This caused more traumas obviously. I started taking antidepressants and eventually returned to in person school. I haven't been in hospital for over a year now, so everyone is a bit more relaxed as I seem to be getting "better". I have internet access angain. Antidepressants help me with basic functioning. I really enjoy school, I have friends, I can go out and have fun. But BPD and Autism are chronic and even though I can show the impression of a functioning individual, there are times when everything is so debilitating. The knowledge that this is chronic and I'll never find a cure really hurts, so I still wanna die though. And I'm sick of landing in hospitals so I just want something that works. If my parents find out I'm on this site it's fucking over for me.

 

[twistedtransistor69]

Yup, I was also a happy kid, I'm very fortunate to have had a great childhood. Went wrong when I moved to a foreign country when I was around ten years old, I didn't receive a proper education or learn how to socialize and fell behind my peers in just about every way. Was super depressed and anxious and didn't understand what was happening to me, I just kept getting worse until I dropped out of highschool. I'm an adult and still massively underdeveloped but I don't care now, I'm going to die and never worry about anything ever again.

 

[Cavalcade]

An extensive trauma history (dating back to nearly dying of neglect as a newborn) is most likely what fucked me up for life: I was more or less doomed from the start. Even as a very little baby, the damage could be seen- I stopped crying, because I learned as a teeny tiny infant, no one would be coming to comfort me, and it was pointless to do so. You could go even further back and point the finger at my crippling genetics: I have a debilitatingly painful, progressive, incurable genetic disorder- that has robbed me of a pain free life, the ability to ethically have children, and so much of my capacity to do the things that do bring me peace or happiness.

There was never a possibility that I would have been as happy as a child who did not have to go through such intense damage- add on top of that religious trauma, an ACE score of 10, being severely parentified from the age of three, a near decade long eating disorder, being bullied behind the scenes by people who I thought really loved me as friends and even as a sister to one for about a decade (when I found out who was responsible, I cut every single one of them out of my life without a second thought, but it shattered my trust in others), abusive relationships, shame and guilt surrounding being LGBT while raised in a highly conservative and religious context, and just an alphabet soup of mental illness- PTSD and my depressive symptoms suck all the joy out of my life, hamper my ability to find meaningful connection and a sense of purpose. God, there's so much wrong with me- that's been wrong with my life.

Animals gnaw their legs off when caught in a trap, even if they wind up bleeding out and dying. Is it any surprise I'd do the same?

 

[avoid_slow_death]

-A seemingly unending chain of traumatic events that started in childhood and keeps continuing to this day.
-Losing my mom. She was the glue that held the family together and is the one person I admire the most.
-Having my biggest hope since I was a teenager fulfilled and then having it destroyed slowly and me being powerless to stop it. And no, it can't be done again. It was a one shot deal.
-The sheer selfishness and indifference most people tend to exhibit towards just about everyone and everything. Except for themselves, of course.

 

[rioghbhardain]

This cruel life is painful. After all, we have been lucky, I can't imagine how horrible it must have been for our forefathers or even for people a century ago without anaesthesia, antibiotics, technology, civil rights, proper clothing, shelter or food. Overall I just don't like life and can't see the point of it because there isn't any. It's a random nightmare. It's the result of absurdity upon absurdity, insanity upon insanity. Just look at the current state of the world, look at the behaviour of other fellow humans. Look at wild animals and how they live their entire lives if they manage to survive childhood: it's an everyday struggle for survival in a perpetual state of fear, pain and hunger. Look how fish get chased all the time by a bigger fish. How everything revolves around sex and sex is all about establishing dominance. It's fucking madness. That's why we have developed such complex mechanisms in order to erratically cling onto life and onto people. Growin up I was bullied for being gay, I would get picked on all the time, by family, at school. I thought maybe I would start a family of my own. Didn't quite happen the way I expected. He prioritised everyone at my expense. He neglected me, abused me and bullied me and showed a great deal of indifference. Throughout my entire life people have caused me great pain and suffering. I can't trust nobody. I want to avoid connections at all costs but also feel extremely lonely even if surrounded by people. I like authenticity, I value unconditional love, loyalty and support. But it's just impossible. People are selfish. I am tired and sick of absolutely everything and only wish to die. Don't wanna cause anyone any troubles or any pain. I wish I could just disappear without people ever noticing.

 

[pointblank]

1. Be a fucking idiot
2. Be shit at everything I like doing
3. Hate the fact I'm a fucking idiot and that I'm shit at everything I like doing.
4. Find the forum full of people just like me

That's basically it.

1&2.
Plus, the reality of rat race doesn't appeal to me. I'd rather take the exit out than to do that everyday 365/1.

 

[SadRatQueen]

I've lived a very long life, although others might consider short, where I feel as if no matter what I do I am doomed to suffer. Nothing is ever enough, or I'm never enough. I can cry and plead, but because I cry all the time no one bats an eye. Heck, my father calls me a rat to describe his distain for me, thus my username.

My birthday is coming soon, and the thought that I'm only realistically half way towards the grave leaves me with stress. What do you mean I have to wait another 30+ years? I want my brain to be silenced now.

 

[CogitoMori]

Finally had hope for a happy life in a new place and my partner started hurting me. There's nobody that I'm close to. Anyone that claimed they'd be there is gone. Anyone I've told (including my therapist) has abandoned me.