What's your mindset or attitude towards your current life when you've decided to ctb?

[K14~♡]

Last month, I was deliberating for some weeks on whether I should ctb. It was last week where I finally decided that I will

I've always been unmotivated to do my work and responsibilities. But ever since I've made this decision, I feel like I've become even more unmotivated lol (Dealing with 2nd semester of college midterms rn)
"I'll be gone anyway, why should I do any of this?" Even though I know I won't be going immediately. I'll be still be there when the deadlines to my assignments come, and those two tests on Saturday which I have not studied for. I tell myself that I'll still be alive when those comes, so I must deal with it, but I still can't help but not care much TvT

Hell I'm not even completely sure with my method yet, why am I so complacent?

Anyway, is it also like this for you?

PS: I'm sorry if I don't reply anymore ToT Tho well ig it's not really needed...I wanna hear about others but I often don't know what to say in response haha. Just know I wish the best for all of you guys

 

[ohsosleepy]

Are we the same person? I'm rolling in with an "I'm going to take this test for fun" attitude. I'm certain that when I finally get everything I need, I'll finally CTB. So I've started neglecting a lot of my responsibilities, haha. I feel that if I keep making the future harder for myself, it'll be easier to overcome SI.

Might as well live my final days less stressed, right?

 

[K14~♡]

Are we the same person? I'm rolling in with an "I'm going to take this test for fun" attitude. I'm certain that when I finally get everything I need, I'll finally CTB. So I've started neglecting a lot of my responsibilities, haha. I feel that if I keep making the future harder for myself, it'll be easier to overcome SI.

Might as well live my final days less stressed, right?

"Going to take this test for fun" Lol I've been like that too for a while
I wanna be stress-free as well before I go, but I know there's a chance of failing, and I gotta account for the future after that TvT (I still feel lazy tho ´ཀ`)

I hope you'll have lots of fun and enjoy your final days

 

[Forever Sleep]

It is like this deep down for me now and, what I can let slide, I tend to. My home environment is disgusting. The problem for me is- I don't know when I'll be able to go. I'm waiting for my Dad to go first. So- in the meantime, I'm stuck with trying to sustain this life- that I don't actually want.

That leads to me pushing my reluctant self to try to work and do the bare basics with hygiene and domestic chores to try and drag myself through. I'd get so much shit from my parents if I failed to support myself and, I want to live independently till the end so- it's an unhappy compromise really. Trying to push my way through the (hopefully) last leg of the journey.

There's also the issue that I don't want people suspecting what I eventually intend to do- in case they try to stop me. It's so much harder to work towards living though- when you don't actually want to be alive.

 

[K14~♡]

It is like this deep down for me now and, what I can let slide, I tend to. My home environment is disgusting. The problem for me is- I don't know when I'll be able to go. I'm waiting for my Dad to go first. So- in the meantime, I'm stuck with trying to sustain this life- that I don't actually want.

That leads to me pushing my reluctant self to try to work and do the bare basics with hygiene and domestic chores to try and drag myself through. I'd get so much shit from my parents if I failed to support myself and, I want to live independently till the end so- it's an unhappy compromise really. Trying to push my way through the (hopefully) last leg of the journey.

There's also the issue that I don't want people suspecting what I eventually intend to do- in case they try to stop me. It's so much harder to work towards living though- when you don't actually want to be alive.

"It's so much harder to work towards living though- when you don't actually want to be alive." I feel this TT
I wish for those who's stuck in a shitty household to leave it someday, but things are just never that easy
I hope things are at least bearable and that you could find peace and joy in some moments even if it's a little, sending hugs

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

It is like this deep down for me now and, what I can let slide, I tend to. My home environment is disgusting. The problem for me is- I don't know when I'll be able to go. I'm waiting for my Dad to go first. So- in the meantime, I'm stuck with trying to sustain this life- that I don't actually want.

That leads to me pushing my reluctant self to try to work and do the bare basics with hygiene and domestic chores to try and drag myself through. I'd get so much shit from my parents if I failed to support myself and, I want to live independently till the end so- it's an unhappy compromise really. Trying to push my way through the (hopefully) last leg of the journey.

There's also the issue that I don't want people suspecting what I eventually intend to do- in case they try to stop me. It's so much harder to work towards living though- when you don't actually want to be alive.

I admire you a lot

 

[aesthetic]

since i decided to kill myself, everything in my life has become meaningless.

 

[Forveleth]

I got like this a few years ago after my first attempt. I ended up getting fat and let everything pile up. Here I am two years later and I feel gross. So, yes, I got like that but I deeply regret it. My new philosophy is to keep living until the day I die.

 

[voidblankmore1]

100%. I really just couldn't care less about what's happening in my life because who cares, I'll be dead anyway. Honestly it's weirdly freeing because I don't have to worry about things that would probably really affect other people since I have an exit.

 

[ShadowedChaos]

It changes but in the last few days or weeks you do get get a calmness and sort of peace with everything if you truly are ready. Life isn't meant for me in a way I don't think anyone else truly understands. I know technically you're forced in most of society to not CTB for whatever reason nothing you can say is ever good enough most of the time. Like you have to fight with yourself or put yourself in that impossible position no one wants to even say they get close to wanting to slip off that ledge. Even when you feel peace you get a feeling of finality like a solemn sorrowful peace. Sometimes it can be pretty uneventful. Sometimes its the complete opposite and its a struggle. Other times its during complete rational thought or absolute insanity. But in the end I'll keep living till I'm sure of it being my time to go which kind of feels like soon just not sure how soon.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

the only reason I'm alive is because I fear failing a suicide attempt and remaining alive with brain and body Damage

I didn't ask to be here. I don't want to be here

I hate having to do the endless daily chores , work a job , stress, suffering, humiliations every day. all this only to exist to risk extreme torture

Immediately after Death a human like a mouse ceases to exist for all time

none of that garbage they say is so important or pleasurable matters to me

nothing matters . we are all going to die anyway and soon too because how fast did the last 5 years pass by. as in a blink of an eye to universe every human Alive now will be dead obliterated for all time cause a human is just an animal a bug

the worst horror is that a second or minute of the worst pain can seem to last months

the only things that matter to me is me avoiding unbearable pain and killing myself extremely soon as possible

 

[DeathByBananabread]

Sometimes people on this website get confused when I ask open-ended questions about fun or purpose or meaning- because it's a suicide website- but this is exactly what I'm getting at- having to account for the near-future even if not the longterm one, & needing SOMETHING to give me the strength.

 

[mold]

For me I just feel like I can't wait... I chose a date and even have 2 back up plans if the first method fails, and I don't want to wait anymore. If anything I'm kind of looking forward to it and excited to just fucking go, lmao.

I feel awful every day and just wish April could come faster. I have some responsibilities to do and even though they're all for myself and no one really *needs* me to do these things, I'm doing them anyway even though I'll be dead (hopefully) soon anyways. Idk, it's odd, haha

 

[TAW122]

I've more or less kind of lost interest in the things that I once looked forward to, just keeping up appearances so as to not draw unnecessary scrutiny or attention to my eventual CTB. In one sense, it feels liberating knowing that all things will come to an end (once I attempt CTB and succeed), then there is also a feeling of dread knowing that I cannot risk failure or intervention, so it's a lot of effort keep appearances yet necessary. I'm essentially just going through the motions of daily life, activities of daily living, appearing to be productive, but in the end, it also kind of doesn't matter because I realize that once I'm dead, I cannot regret, suffer, or feel pleasure afterwards. Whatever others may think, say, or do has no relevance after I'm dead.

 

[itsgone2]

Like others I'm in a bad spot. Just not interested at all in life. I've made mistakes but also I don't see the reason to fight. So much is stacked against the average person now.

 

[Dark Moon]

I'm in a bad situation for sure; I used to like completing some of the games I like and getting the platinum trophies for them but since I'm going to be dead in the near future I think to myself it's pointless trying to achieve that. I'm just going through life in general until I can escape. There's nothing much I can do about my life and don't see much of a reason to continue.

 

[negi-maguro]

I was planning to ctb last November, but it never happened. Up until that point, I was still trying to find new job and applying for a master degree. However at that moment, my mindset was pretty depressing. All I think about is how things were over and my existence doesn't matter. I was a bit religious and I believe that everything that I planned before ctb will fall apart because of karma/azab. To a certain degree, everything did fall apart. I lost some friends, I failed my Japanese class, and I failed in applying for jobs or getting scholarship. I was at my lowest, but it also made me accept that I am nothing, nothing will ever go my way ever. I was refusing to accept that my existence doesn't matter, which pushed me to ctb. November came and for some reason I just continue living. I decided to just do it impulsively when things are unbearable, hopefully this year.

Now, I'm just going with the flow. Yeah sure, I'm still trying to switch career and maybe get a scholarship, but I just do it cause I can. I have accepted that I'm bound to die soon, unless some miracle happened that makes me happy. Sure, I'm still insecure af, but I have accepted my lot as a boring person, just passing through other people's lives. It feels good when I'm noticed, maybe that's the reason for me to keep going atm, some people are still nice to me at least.