Discussion What’s your mental state going into ctb?

[HumongousTheGod]

i'll be honest when i first came here i was broken.. dont get me wrong i still have breakdowns and suicidal thoughts permanently glued to the back of my mind forever but my ideology has since evolved since finding this website. i'm now happy to ctb knowing various methods of little to no pain, being accepted in a likewise community where i can share my thoughts without fear of judgment, and most of all helping come to terms with death. my mental state as of rn truthfully is happy but i have horrible mood swings and know it can quickly in a click of a button out of no where change to nothing but sadness and pure dread for hours on end ... unable to leave my house even, my question to you is do you also feel this sudden burst of if you will 'acceptance' or 'happiness' as well? or are we just on two different playing fields?

 

[Tyuiop]

I have felt this happiness in the past - when I set a date for my ctb and decide that I'm going to do it, I suddenly feel free and happy. When I'm in doubts about ctb, I'm much more unhappy.

 

[therhydler]

Complete despair and fear that it will fail again. Though I do dream about the moment when I will lose consciousness

 

[MrPopular]

Panic and sadness. I just feel so sad and alone. A lot of people care about me and love me. They're not going to expect this at all and it makes me feel worse. Especially my family (fiance and mom). I've been struggling for 7 years with being very ill (dxd 19), I haven't had much of my 20s. Well with chemo, transplants etc I'm finally in remission and the doctors are all happy. I'm not. I'm suddenly expected to go out and live like a healthy person. I don't know how to. I'm dying of panic every day. My fiance is constantly angry at me because of it. Heck I just had a job interview that went well. I'm just not happy and I don't know how to live. I don't know how to do basic things as an adult. I keep getting told I'm an inspiration and so brave but I'm not. I'm scared, I'm sad and I'm alone. Yay I beat cancer for now. Yay people get inspiration from me. I'm tired of fighting. Not even my cancer support team are taking me seriously. I've told them I'm depressed. I knew how to fight my illness but I don't know how to live in the world. My mental state: I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am, I'm tired of the panic and I want out now. It's too much.

 

[therhydler]

Panic and sadness. I just feel so sad and alone. A lot of people care about me and love me. They're not going to expect this at all and it makes me feel worse. Especially my family (fiance and mom). I've been struggling for 7 years with being very ill (dxd 19), I haven't had much of my 20s. Well with chemo, transplants etc I'm finally in remission and the doctors are all happy. I'm not. I'm suddenly expected to go out and live like a healthy person. I don't know how to. I'm dying of panic every day. My fiance is constantly angry at me because of it. Heck I just had a job interview that went well. I'm just not happy and I don't know how to live. I don't know how to do basic things as an adult. I keep getting told I'm an inspiration and so brave but I'm not. I'm scared, I'm sad and I'm alone. Yay I beat cancer for now. Yay people get inspiration from me. I'm tired of fighting. Not even my cancer support team are taking me seriously. I've told them I'm depressed. I knew how to fight my illness but I don't know how to live in the world. My mental state: I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am, I'm tired of the panic and I want out now. It's too much.

Wow I can really relate. Im sorry you feel like this:(

 

[Jodes]

i'll be honest when i first came here i was broken.. dont get me wrong i still have breakdowns and suicidal thoughts permanently glued to the back of my mind forever but my ideology has since evolved since finding this website. i'm now happy to ctb knowing various methods of little to no pain, being accepted in a likewise community where i can share my thoughts without fear of judgment, and most of all helping come to terms with death. my mental state as of rn truthfully is happy but i have horrible mood swings and know it can quickly in a click of a button out of no where change to nothing but sadness and pure dread for hours on end ... unable to leave my house even, my question to you is do you also feel this sudden burst of if you will 'acceptance' or 'happiness' as well? or are we just on two different playing fields?

I'm told it's my EUPD. I have other diagnoses too tho. I know exactly how you feel, really sorry (

 

[MrPopular]

Wow I can really relate. Im sorry you feel like this:(

I'm sorry about your situation too friend.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

Panic and sadness. I just feel so sad and alone. A lot of people care about me and love me. They're not going to expect this at all and it makes me feel worse. Especially my family (fiance and mom). I've been struggling for 7 years with being very ill (dxd 19), I haven't had much of my 20s. Well with chemo, transplants etc I'm finally in remission and the doctors are all happy. I'm not. I'm suddenly expected to go out and live like a healthy person. I don't know how to. I'm dying of panic every day. My fiance is constantly angry at me because of it. Heck I just had a job interview that went well. I'm just not happy and I don't know how to live. I don't know how to do basic things as an adult. I keep getting told I'm an inspiration and so brave but I'm not. I'm scared, I'm sad and I'm alone. Yay I beat cancer for now. Yay people get inspiration from me. I'm tired of fighting. Not even my cancer support team are taking me seriously. I've told them I'm depressed. I knew how to fight my illness but I don't know how to live in the world. My mental state: I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am, I'm tired of the panic and I want out now. It's too much.

I have cancer (although not curable) so I can relate. Everything you do like chemo, radiotherapy, etc leads to even more trauma. As if the trauma of cancer wasn't enough for us to deal with ...

 

[MrPopular]

I have cancer (although not curable) so I can relate. Everything you do like chemo, radiotherapy, etc leads to even more trauma. As if the trauma of cancer wasn't enough for us to deal with ...

I'm really sorry. I feel so guilty that I have it in remission and I'm not grateful. I really wish I was. I once told my family that I wasn't as happy as I thought I'd be. I was told that I should be grateful as so many people would kill to be in my shoes. And I get it but I'm just being honest.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

I'm really sorry. I feel so guilty that I have it in remission and I'm not grateful. I really wish I was. I once told my family that I wasn't as happy as I thought I'd be. I was told that I should be grateful as so many people would kill to be in my shoes. And I get it but I'm just being honest.

This resonates with me. I was saved via emergency surgery 7 years ago and really wish I had died. People around me keep telling me that I was "lucky" to be saved the last minute by the surgeons. I can't explain to anyone that my shitty life has got exponentially worse since then. I wish I had never been "saved". I should have kept away from the hospital and let nature take its course. Judging by the state of my body now, cancer should have killed me in 2011.

 

[MrPopular]

This resonates with me. I was saved via emergency surgery 7 years ago and really wish I had died. People around me keep telling me that I was "lucky" to be saved the last minute by the surgeons. I can't explain to anyone that my shitty life has got exponentially worse since then. I wish I had never been "saved". I should have kept away from the hospital and let nature take its course. Judging by the state of my body now, cancer should have killed me in 2011.

I really wish people would stop standing and pointing. They get to look at us with their feelings and ideas, and without ours in our shoes. And then we get judged as selfish when we ctb etc.

 

[bigj75]

Insanity, severe depression, anxiety, etc.