Grief is absolutely the worst during this time period. Would you say she was the person you were closest to?
Most definitely. All throughout our childhood we tolerated some cruel things from our parents which drove us even closer to one another. We developed anxiety, OCD, and struggled with ed's as a result of what we had to endure. Which led to us being deeply misunderstood, and we were always considered "weird" or "closed off". But we didn't care though, because we had one another.
When we started high school though our dynamic changed. My sister really started struggling with her mental health in 9th grade and became distant. Throughout grades 10 and 11 she would go through periods of being "okay" and then regressing back into a state of depression. My mental health only worsened in tandem with hers. I just hid it better. 12th grade came and I decided to graduate early and start working. I wanted to be done with school. My sister chose to finish her last year at school though.
One morning, around fall break, I was getting ready for work and she told me that she had ordered a rope and was going to attempt to hang herself. I was completely in shock and didn't know what to do. I cried and held her and pleaded to her to reach out to her school counselor to get help. The next day she went to school and my parents were notified by the school that my sister was suicidal. They put her in a psych ward for 4 days and never got her any actual help (therapy or counseling). 6 months later [May 7th, 2025] I'm getting ready for work and I end up fainting ( which never happens) Hours later, whilst working my shift I'm antsy and jittery and can't sit still. It's as though something in me knew that something was wrong well before finding out what happened. I get a message from my mom that says "call me asap". She then informs me that my sister shot herself with my dad's gun and was found in the woods behind our apartment complex.
Since everything's happened I've been through phases of what I like to call "delulu land" Thinking that I can somehow make life worth living after everything. Believing that I can find the strength yet alone the desire to want to move forward. And then when the escape wears off I come to terms with the incredibly low chances of that happening. My life was miserable before she was gone. She made it bearable. Without her I have to sit here alone. Scrambling to find reasons for why I shouldn't follow her lead. I'm tired and I want peace from all of this.
I'm sorry that this message is extremely long
I guess it felt nice to finally get some of this off my chest and not the sugarcoated "yes I will live for the both of us" and " I will make my sisi proud" b.s I have to say to my family members.
The ideal aftermath would be me no longer having any more suffering, dread, boredom, or any sentience left, and of course the lack of sentience means nothing good nor bad is relevant for me. As for the survivors and bereaved (even though it wouldn't be relevant as I would be dead) would be for them to have peace and respect my decision, not that it matters as it would be irrelevant for me, but in an ideal situation, yes it would be better if they respected the decision and found peace instead of demonizing the action or the worst, blaming an external group or other non-related party for my demise. My decision to CTB is mine and mine alone.
I completely agree. I think most times people are in a state of shock when they lean towards being upset with the person who ctb'd. At least that's how I was after everything with my sister, until I started to accept everything. I hope that the family members who I care about understand my decision as well. And aren't mad with me for leaving them alongside my sister.
Maybe, who knows. I kinda believe in that, that we are a fraction of God (or an emanation) experiencing itself through itself
I've dove into that theory as well. That we are an extension of the creator or the universe in of itself. It's a very interesting concept. I hope if reincarnation is a thing I can just come back as a bird or something. I want to be free from society.
