What's wrong with me?

[D&D]

This is a genuine, sincere question.

I know we are all just 'strangers' on internet ... but a lot can be glimpsed from writings.

Besides, I don't have anyone else to ask.

I am not after 'feel good' platitudes and such. I am after a brutal, unvarnished truth as you see it to be. Your perception(s).

I know that most of us feel that there is something inherently wrong with us, and I am no different.
Seeing it being put to words freely by others who have nothing to lose or gain by being honest, could help me understand. Understand how I come across purely based on what I expressed through writing.

It is the first time I am asking such a question and hope it is OK to ask.

Thank you in advance for any input you can provide.

 

[Crazy4u]

there is nothing wrong with you, seriously. You might be unlucky like the rest of us. If you look around you, you may something wrong with some non-suicidal folks.

 

[D&D]

there is nothing wrong with you, seriously. You might be unlucky like the rest of us. If you look around you, you may something wrong with some non-suicidal folks.

Dear @freemindnsoul

Thank you very much ... for reading, responding and for your kindness.

We are all fallible humans ... the only difference is - sometimes (rarely) some find another kindred soul to help carry the load. It might seem a small difference, but it is the major one. The only one that matters.

Then there are those that, like myself, failed to recognise the light even when it illuminated their own path ... such are the depths of ignorance born from the belief of 'knowing'. The worst of its kind.

I truly wish you nothing but what you wish for yourself.

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

I often ask shrinks this question and there no help.

 

[D&D]

I often ask shrinks this question and there no help.

I know ...

They looked at you with that 'from a great distance look' and wait for you to say something more ... while all you want is for them to actually engage with you like with another human being. Until you realize ... you are not. Another human being. Not in their eyes. You are a patient. Then you want to tear walls down and claw your eyes out ... I did. Not now. Now just want to leave. Am leaving.

Thanks for writing.

 

[Callie Arcale]

Dearest @D&D

You have suffered the greatest imaginable loss anyone can endure: you lost your child. And not just that, but you lost a wondrous person with whom you had a deep, meaningful, unique relationship.

I don't know how life could make sense or not be all wrong after such a trauma. How you could walk on the beach, or have a coffee, or sit and chit chat with someone and not feel like the entire universe has been ripped apart?

There is nothing wrong with you personally from what you have showed us here in the forum. Quite the contrary. Everything about you is right, and beautiful, and what it should be in an ideal world full of perfect people. The way you word your replies, the way you show everyone respect, the way you treat unkind posts with gentle, yet fierce, wisdom is the best of the best. I can't find enough words to say how much I admire you, but I do!!!

I love your writing, no, not just love it, I adore it! I've been thinking of that boy playing with his ball and the roads like snakes many times. You have such a gift, you are a poet, a true poet, like the great ones: you build yourself a home into my heart with your writing, and you stay there.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, you beautiful, amazing human being But everything is wrong with what happened to you.

Yours,
/C

 

[cambrai33]

@D&D Hey

You wrote such a thoughtful comment on my thread that warmed me inside.

Whatever you think your faults are please remember you have the ability to touch others with your words. That can't be learnt, it has to be from the heart and I felt it.

Don't change who you are, I think you are just right imo

 

[LADY007]

This is a genuine, sincere question.

I know we are all just 'strangers' on internet ... but a lot can be glimpsed from writings.

Besides, I don't have anyone else to ask.

I am not after 'feel good' platitudes and such. I am after a brutal, unvarnished truth as you see it to be. Your perception(s).

I know that most of us feel that there is something inherently wrong with us, and I am no different.
Seeing it being put to words freely by others who have nothing to lose or gain by being honest, could help me understand. Understand how I come across purely based on what I expressed through writing.

It is the first time I am asking such a question and hope it is OK to ask.

Thank you in advance for any input you can provide.

From your writing...I would say you are honest and don't mind constructive criticism. You are bravely inviting other peoples opinions of yourself. You seem to me to be more of an introvert like I am. I think this world is a tough place for introverts and highly sensitive people. For the longest time ...I could not understand how I could happily start conga dance lines with strangers and go to dances alone. This would indicate an extrovert. However, when it comes to working, I am an introvert, want privacy and few interruptions. etc. So, I am both. Examine yourself and see if this applies too you.

 

[Snake of Eden]

I always make a mental note when I think someone's comment is very well worded and thoughtful. I have many mental notes from you so even without recalling what you said, I know i will be looking forward to see a comment from you and eead what you got to say

 

[little helpers]

is it okay for me to say this? there's been a lot of times lately when I was just lying around there thinking, I wish my mom is like that. to have a mom like you. I spent my teenage years around other addicts, it's the same feeling I get from them. like a guardian angel. and when we parted I carry those memories with me like an amulet. something that "never fades, in the safety of a pitch-black mind".

but the guardian angel has her own pain and wounds. that's how she got to be this way. the greatest of caring comes out from the deepest of suffering. poetry flows from our bleeding hearts. and we wonder how we're still here. what's kept us going. how such an existence is even possible. we demand an explanation. one that quickly spirals into looking for a wrong.

I feel pathetic a lot of the times. not understanding why I'm still here.

though as Hegel would say, "what is rational is actual, and what is actual is rational." existence is justified through existence itself.

 

[Bleak]

My impression of you is that you are articulate, sensitive and sincere.

 

[D&D]

Dearest @D&D

You have suffered the greatest imaginable loss anyone can endure: you lost your child. And not just that, but you lost a wondrous person with whom you had a deep, meaningful, unique relationship.

I don't know how life could make sense or not be all wrong after such a trauma. How you could walk on the beach, or have a coffee, or sit and chit chat with someone and not feel like the entire universe has been ripped apart?

There is nothing wrong with you personally from what you have showed us here in the forum. Quite the contrary. Everything about you is right, and beautiful, and what it should be in an ideal world full of perfect people. The way you word your replies, the way you show everyone respect, the way you treat unkind posts with gentle, yet fierce, wisdom is the best of the best. I can't find enough words to say how much I admire you, but I do!!!

I love your writing, no, not just love it, I adore it! I've been thinking of that boy playing with his ball and the roads like snakes many times. You have such a gift, you are a poet, a true poet, like the great ones: you build yourself a home into my heart with your writing, and you stay there.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, you beautiful, amazing human being But everything is wrong with what happened to you.

Yours,
/C

@Callie Arcale , my dear,


Thank you very, very much for writing.

The beautiful, heart-warming words you wrote have touched me deeply and on many levels.

My world had indeed collapsed and I have been struggling under the rubble ever since. Finding death the only solace.

I am humbled by what you said about my writing ... I have never heard it being described in this way. Thank you.


Sending you warmest wishes,

/U

@D&D Hey

You wrote such a thoughtful comment on my thread that warmed me inside.

Whatever you think your faults are please remember you have the ability to touch others with your words. That can't be learnt, it has to be from the heart and I felt it.

Don't change who you are, I think you are just right imo

Dear @cambrai33


I am so glad to hear that ... I really am. I could not think of anything better any words could do but to 'warm us inside'.

As what you wrote warmed me inside ... thank you. Despite all the darkness ... the thought of my words reaching another human flicker like fireflies on a summer night.

Thank you very much for your kindness and your thoughtfulness.

 

[D&D]

From your writing...I would say you are honest and don't mind constructive criticism. You are bravely inviting other peoples opinions of yourself. You seem to me to be more of an introvert like I am. I think this world is a tough place for introverts and highly sensitive people. For the longest time ...I could not understand how I could happily start conga dance lines with strangers and go to dances alone. This would indicate an extrovert. However, when it comes to working, I am an introvert, want privacy and few interruptions. etc. So, I am both. Examine yourself and see if this applies too you.

Hi @LADY007

Thank you very much for writing such an informative post.

You are indeed right - I do not mind constructive criticism. On the contrary - I welcome it because if well intended, it goes a long way towards self-awareness. Which, I think, is the pre-requisite for any change.

World is indeed a tough place for introverts and highly sensitive people ... both of which I seem to have in abundance. Not so much when it comes to extrovert traits. That said, I do believe that most of us are mixture of introvert and extrovert traits only in our unique ratio. It seems you have 'decoded' yours and accepted how it applies. I think that is very good and will try to follow your suggestion.

Sending you best wishes,

I always make a mental note when I think someone's comment is very well worded and thoughtful. I have many mental notes from you so even without recalling what you said, I know i will be looking forward to see a comment from you and eead what you got to say

Dear @zeroornothing

Thank you so much ... what you wrote left me quite speechless to be honest. It was such a surprise ... I never thought to be the case. That said - I am glad. Glad my comments could be of use and grateful for the privilege.

Sending you warm wishes

 

[D&D]

is it okay for me to say this? there's been a lot of times lately when I was just lying around there thinking, I wish my mom is like that. to have a mom like you. I spent my teenage years around other addicts, it's the same feeling I get from them. like a guardian angel. and when we parted I carry those memories with me like an amulet. something that "never fades, in the safety of a pitch-black mind".

but the guardian angel has her own pain and wounds. that's how she got to be this way. the greatest of caring comes out from the deepest of suffering. poetry flows from our bleeding hearts. and we wonder how we're still here. what's kept us going. how such an existence is even possible. we demand an explanation. one that quickly spirals into looking for a wrong.

I feel pathetic a lot of the times. not understanding why I'm still here.

though as Hegel would say, "what is rational is actual, and what is actual is rational." existence is justified through existence itself.

Dear @little helpers

Your post floored me. Quite literary. I have read your poetry and your posts. Still.

I only know the answer to the very first question - yes, it is OK to say it. It is always OK to say it. After that, I am lost ... like a deer in flashlights. Reading 'to have a mom like you' went deep ... because my whole life, I have firmly believed that each and every child not only deserves but is owed a pair or at least one good, caring, loving parent. Only I wasn't one. I realized that too late. Far too late. Together with the realization of how my own upbringing shaped how I parented. I grew up without my parents. We pass on that which has been given to us. In whichever guise. I failed my girl. Not because I did not love or care for her ... I failed her because I did not know how to love her the way she needed to be loved and cared for. It is the gravest of sins. That I know to be true.

I do not understand why I am still here either ... except because I have not yet suffered enough. That is the only reasoning I can understand. Easily.

I wish to thank you with all my heart for your post ... Thank. You.

My impression of you is that you are articulate, sensitive and sincere.

Hi @Bleak

Thank you very much ... what you said is both kind and observant.

Sending warm wishes your way wherever it might be.

 

[GentleJerk]

Dear D&D,

On this forum, sometimes I might have the energy and focus to apply myself to writing things in a thoughtful way.

But every time I see your posts, it blows me away how you always manage to find such eloquent and meaningful words, and your seemingly tireless ability to speak to others by drawing from an infinitely deep source of unique understanding.

Your words are worth more than gold.

 

[D&D]

Dear D&D,

On this forum, sometimes I might have the energy and focus to apply myself to writing things in a thoughtful way.

But every time I see your posts, it blows me away how you always manage to find such eloquent and meaningful words, and your seemingly tireless ability to speak to others by drawing from an infinitely deep source of unique understanding.

Your words are worth more than gold.

Dear @GentleSoul

I always liked your user name and found your posts both thoughtful and gentle ... and now your words have blown me away.

Quite literary.

Thank you very, very much for your kindness.


Sending you a bunch of best wishes