What's wrong with me?

[Goneforgood]

Hi everyone, I am new on SS, I was lurking on the forum for a couple of months before registering and I saw that there are many wonderful people with a sensitive soul.
Ultimately I am living in a bad time: I have a horrible job, badly paid and I have to travel many miles to go to the office; I have a partner for 9 years with whom I am basically well, we have many common interests and, not having and not wanting children, we are free to do what we want.
In July I met a boy I had a story with at the age of 20 ... The feeling never passed between us and we began to see each other secretly. I'm very well with him but I feel guilty, contemptible, a bad person and I feel out of place both when I'm with my partner and when I'm with him. I don't like to lie but since July I'm not doing anything else ...
In summer my brother-in-law threw himself off the balcony (ctb) for the second time in 3 years and survived ... All broken but alive. This increases my guilt ... How can I leave my partner in such a difficult time?
I am very selfish to want to keep seeing the other person I think I am in love with ... But now he gave me the ultimatum ... I have to make a choice and I know he is right but I feel torn inside.
I can't choose now ... I'm too confused, I'm not lucid to make any choice ... I feel disgusting ... I would like to fall asleep and not wake up anymore.
Sorry if it may seem like a stupid reason to be sick but not being able to choose doesn't make me sleep at night anymore, it doesn't make me live anymore ... And I can't talk to anyone ...
Does anyone else experience something similar?
Sorry for English, it's not my language ...

 

[Neverod]

Happy that you decided to join this community!

You got there a pretty rough situation, i would like to share with you something similar happened to a friend.

The same scenario, she started meeting someone else she had feelings for while in a relationship with other man, she felt disgusting and bad, but there's nothing wrong with feeling love i told her. She decided to end with both until she could figure all out, that gave her time to think and sort all things out. Months passed and now she's meeting with the other man, because she realised that she felt more love towards him, and he gave her what the other man could not. So, she preffered to stay alone than to cheat, until all inside her was sorted out.
I don't know if that's of any help, but i hope so.

 

[Goneforgood]

Thanks for your words... I appreciate it very much.... I will try to follow your advice.... It has always been difficult for me to be alone

 

[JimFord99]

I suppose, Goneforgood, you have severe depression and post dramatic stress. Don't feel stupid, please, and don't feel guilty.