Venting what’s wrong with me?

[drearybreadd]

Ok basically idk what caused me to want to CTB. If you asked me why I would be able to give a million different, rational reasons, but I feel like I don't really need a reason at this point. I have a really good life, I was born into a wealthy family, my parents were always very caring, I've always had friends and people who cared about me, access to support and people who were willing to listen. I'm super grateful for everything I was given in life. I've always done well in school, I'm not depressed or mentally ill in any way. I don't really even remember when these kind of thoughts began, probably after Covid happened, but not because of covid. But for the past few years I've had a consistent every day routine, good hygiene, never skipping class, keep my room clean, have hobbies, sleep enough, eat enough, etc. I'm doing everything right and it doesn't really stop. I think I would just use the word ennui to explain how I feel. I can still kind of enjoy stuff like hobbies and sports and laugh at jokes and feel happy sometimes but a lot of the time it's the same thoughts and there's no real cause. I've always been on the internet a lot since I was young but I haven't been addicted and I didn't have any bad influence from it either. I have sh ed before very few times and I attempted ctb once (it had no chance of working) but otherwise my life is totally fine I just don't really like living it. I don't know how to explain it I just feel really bored and stuck a lot of the time. I've tried really hard to fix it and do everything in the past but it doesn't help. I don't want to seek help either and I'm really unwilling to take anti depressants or anything like that's just not really an option for me. Not posting in recovery because I'm not trying to recover, just want to know if anyone relates or what people think of this.

 

[endless-void]

Even though I can't relate to you about your private life, I get what you mean. Life never seems to get better nor worse and I feel trapped in it. It's the desperation of wanting something to change that drives me crazy. I feel loved but lonely at the same time. It's like the world is leaving me behind and even though I'm not in a bad position I can't help it but hate everything and everyone. I feel so disgusted about having to be alive it makes me wanna ctb. But it's not bad enough to get well because at the same time I'm not doing bad, so how can I recover from something it's not happening but is?

 

[real human being]

I'm not high functioning and my life sucks in a lot of ways but I can relate to a kind of depression that isn't caused by any specific external thing, just a general feeling that nothing really has a point to it or a lack of any kind of emotional connection to life or motivation to go on living or do anything. I think a lot of philosophers (in particular existentialists like Albert Camus in his famous book 'The Stranger') have addressed this kind of feeling or attitude about life as well. And ofc in a sense it's true. Nothing really matters, and any meaning we create is only real within our minds. It's something I've personally struggled with since a very young age.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

I can't relate either, but I don't judge anyone for wanting to CTB at any time for any reason whatsoever.