What’s worse for my children - divorce or me dying?

[Givingupandgivingin]

I can't stay with my husband. It is my fault. Not his. I am very unhappy. I have read some things that suggest that at least suicide is finite but the children will forever suffer the pain of divorce. If I kill myself apparently their sense of self isn't damaged in the same way as if I left their father - not that I've any money or anywhere to go. I have absolutely nothing.
I am so worn down. I feel no joy in anything. I am self harming again. I hate basically everything about my life, which is extremely ungrateful as I know rationally I am very lucky. I wish I'd not had the children because now I have to worry about how whatever I do will affect them. Unlucky them, stuck with me.
All that goes through my mind is that I'm done. I want it to stop.

 

[Worndown]

You dying. They will suffer with divorce too, but they would still see you. A broken marriage is no reason to die. It can be overcome.

 

[Ghost2211]

I don't know the details, but with limited info I would say divorce is better than suicide for the kids. if you would still be in their lives post divorce especially. Their sense of self is risked either way. There's no winning being a parent in such situations.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

I don't want them to suffer at all.
Which means I just have to stay married. Which in turn means I will kill myself.
It is a circle with which I see no real answers.
I'd hope to still be the primary carer.
But ultimately my husband can afford a better solicitor than me, as he is rich.
He may also make up allegations. He has said his previously.
I just want to be gone. But I don't want my children to be sad.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I don't want them to suffer at all.
Which means I just have to stay married. Which in turn means I will kill myself.
It is a circle with which I see no real answers.

i can understand not wanting them to suffer but with divorce you can help them. people will take their children to therapy so they can help manage their emotions and thoughts. there are ways to reduce the suffering of divorce.

 

[Worndown]

They will suffer from a bad marriage. My personal experience is divorce offers the least amount of suffering. They will adapt. Death or unstable home life are much worse.

 

[JustLosingMyself]

Divorce is the lesser of 2 evils. If you think you're a problem in their life you can just leave. If you're looking for approval from other people for your choice to ease your conscience I don't think you it'll help you

 

[tidalwxves]

I can't stay with my husband. It is my fault. Not his. I am very unhappy. I have read some things that suggest that at least suicide is finite but the children will forever suffer the pain of divorce. If I kill myself apparently their sense of self isn't damaged in the same way as if I left their father - not that I've any money or anywhere to go. I have absolutely nothing.
I am so worn down. I feel no joy in anything. I am self harming again. I hate basically everything about my life, which is extremely ungrateful as I know rationally I am very lucky. I wish I'd not had the children because now I have to worry about how whatever I do will affect them. Unlucky them, stuck with me.
All that goes through my mind is that I'm done. I want it to stop.

A divorce will cause pain but not neatly as much pain as never seeing their mother again, especially if they know their mother choose not to be with them. Think about it, if accidental deaths or illnesses caused death of a parent can be something forever traumatizing, imagine knowing it was actually your parents choice to exit their life and not some accident. That is incredibly damaging to the development of a child. I don't know where you read that but I don't think any actual child psychologist or person who has raised healthy child would say that. I think you just found a bad source of info.

 

[Xocoyotziin]

Honestly I was relieved when my parents got divorced as a kid. If your kids already know the marriage is dysfunctional maybe they will be too? Not waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of my mom crying was a welcome change.

 

[Ghost2211]

I don't want them to suffer at all.
Which means I just have to stay married. Which in turn means I will kill myself.
It is a circle with which I see no real answers.
I'd hope to still be the primary carer.
But ultimately my husband can afford a better solicitor than me, as he is rich.
He may also make up allegations. He has said his previously.
I just want to be gone. But I don't want my children to be sad.

It is better to divorce than stay in a toxic relationship. I know how you feel.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

The problem is as far as they are concerned all is fine at home.
I don't argue with my husband. They aren't experiencing an unfavourable environment. They are doing well at school. They are happy and settled.
If I left my husband it would turn nasty, fast. He would be vile about me to them. It would be extremely damaging.
If I'm just not here - well they get to live in one place all the time. There's less uncertainty. Death is pretty certain. They could have therapy for that too. My daughter is young. She probably wouldn't remember me all that well.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

As someone whose parents divorced when I was 11, I think divorce would be better for children in general than their parents ctb'ing. In my case though I think I wouldn't mind if my dad had done it but he never would. In some cases divorce is honestly even better than staying together. I knew from a very early age that my parents were not good together and I don't blame my mom at all for trying to get out of that mess. Even though the divorce itself did have a negative impact on me I still think it was worse living in a household where they were constantly arguing and my dad was always making my mom unhappy. Eventually I even got to live with my mom instead of my dad which I much prefer.

 

[voidman]

Divorce. But, from experience, whatever you do: make sure the kids know it's not their fault. (if they're young).

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

Divorce. But, from experience, whatever you do: don't let the kids believe it is their fault (if they're young).

Divorce is worse?

 

[voidman]

Divorce is worse?

No dying is worse. Divorce is the road you should take in my opinion. Sorry, should have clarified.

 

[schopenh]

I can't stay with my husband. It is my fault. Not his. I am very unhappy. I have read some things that suggest that at least suicide is finite but the children will forever suffer the pain of divorce. If I kill myself apparently their sense of self isn't damaged in the same way as if I left their father - not that I've any money or anywhere to go. I have absolutely nothing.
I am so worn down. I feel no joy in anything. I am self harming again. I hate basically everything about my life, which is extremely ungrateful as I know rationally I am very lucky. I wish I'd not had the children because now I have to worry about how whatever I do will affect them. Unlucky them, stuck with me.
All that goes through my mind is that I'm done. I want it to stop.

It sounds like you have a very unique situation that requires a lot more information and a lot more time with you to give any meaningful, personalised advice. I don't think anyone here can unless they know you really well including your medical history.

Taking the question in a general sense. I imagine a divorce would be less traumatic than a suicide for a child. I'm not sure where you come to the understanding that the damage from a suicide is finite but a divorce is forever. Both are traumatic processes that can have short-lived or long-lasting periods of grief.

Sorry you are feeling this way. I hope you can find a resolution to this.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I don't want them to suffer at all.
Which means I just have to stay married. Which in turn means I will kill myself.
It is a circle with which I see no real answers.
I'd hope to still be the primary carer.
But ultimately my husband can afford a better solicitor than me, as he is rich.
He may also make up allegations. He has said his previously.
I just want to be gone. But I don't want my children to be sad.

If you stay in a relationship where you're miserable and you're being abused, they suffer in that. They're aware of what's going on to some degree. If you stay, they see that it's okay for him to abuse you, that one does not have power unless they are an abuser, that the only way to deal is to keep being abused or to end one's existence to stop it.

I would suggest getting out of the circle completely. If you do what is good for yourself, you are empowering yourself, and your example empowers your children. Nothing will be instant, it's a journey. There will be missteps and their will be victories, but the more you find and claim your power over your own self and your own experiences, the more grounded you are and the better the impacts on your children.

Also, suffering is going to happen in life. You can't protect your children from it, but you can teach them tools for managing and mitigating suffering when you yourself learn such tools and, in using and integrating them, teach by example. Then it's up to them when and how they learn.

I recently heard a Shao Lin perspective: there are two mistakes one can make on the journey of self-mastery -- not starting, and not committing to following through.

I hope something I've written here helps. Even if it doesn't, you have my compassion and empathy.

 

[Misfit72]

Your divorce from your husband would affect your children far less than your death would, even if he had custody of your children. My mother died of cancer when I was six and while I will be 48 this year, it still hurts, not so much because I miss her, as I barely remember her, but because of the void that it left - you are not only a source of love that can never be replaced, but part of their identity. It's a myth that young children can be tricked out of grief or bereavement and that they get over it quickly.

I recognise that it is difficult and painful for you and you wish that you hadn't had children - that's why I don't want any, but it is easier to make a good mother out of a bad one than it is to make a good mother out of a dead one. I worry enough about the effect that my suicide would have on my nieces, and if they were my daughters I would find it much harder.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

I would want custody of my children. I have been the primary care giver since they were born.
My problem is I have nothing, not a penny to my name and he is rich. He can offer them everything. I can offer them nothing. I will have to move somewhere horrible and he will be able to live somewhere nice or stay where we are. He will be able to take them on holiday. Meals out. Buy them whatever. I won't have enough money for food.
It is absolutely my own fault for giving up my career and staying home. It is one of many bad decisions I've made throughout my life and now I'm here.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I would want custody of my children. I have been the primary care giver since they were born.
My problem is I have nothing, not a penny to my name and he is rich. He can offer them everything. I can offer them nothing. I will have to move somewhere horrible and he will be able to live somewhere nice or stay where we are. He will be able to take them on holiday. Meals out. Buy them whatever. I won't have enough money for food.
It is absolutely my own fault for giving up my career and staying home. It is one of many bad decisions I've made throughout my life and now I'm here.

Respectfully, I think you've set up a story of total gloom, doom and defeat before trying, so of course you don't want to try! I don't know him or you of course, but I think his threats are just that -- threats. He will try to use fear, false obligation and guilt to try to maintain control over you. He will brandish strong emotions, project blame, tell you everything he thinks is wrong with you or that you are incapable of unworthy of. He's a baby in an adult's body. Wah. Like I said, I don't know him, but it's a predictable pattern.

If I may gently suggest, perhaps you could interview some divorce attorneys and see what they have to say about what you can reasonably expect and what your rights are as well as those of the children, and how they will fight for you and the children (and what their track records are) should he prove unwilling to meet reasonable expectations.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I would want custody of my children. I have been the primary care giver since they were born.
My problem is I have nothing, not a penny to my name and he is rich. He can offer them everything. I can offer them nothing. I will have to move somewhere horrible and he will be able to live somewhere nice or stay where we are. He will be able to take them on holiday. Meals out. Buy them whatever. I won't have enough money for food.
It is absolutely my own fault for giving up my career and staying home. It is one of many bad decisions I've made throughout my life and now I'm here.

This is very similar to my mom's experience. She had no work experience from raising children for over ten years but after separating from my father she tried to get a realtor's license. That didn't work out so much for her and she still had difficulties finding jobs later due to the ten year gap but eventually she was able to work and save enough to provide for us though it started with me not seeing her at all for a couple years then eventually divorce court led to us visiting her on weekends. It was only when my dad physically assaulted me enough in a way that showed visible signs of abuse that we were finally able to live with our mom (though my dad still tries to be in my life to this day). I'm not sure how possible it is for you to get a place of your own and start a career but I think divorce court would favor you even if your husband is rich. At least in the state I live in, him being rich would just mean you'd be more likely to get to walk away from it with half of his assets in the best case scenario. Worst case scenario, you can still get visitation from them and he'll have to pay all the child support either way even if they're with him more often.

 

[Shero]

I don't want them to suffer at all.
Which means I just have to stay married. Which in turn means I will kill myself.
It is a circle with which I see no real answers.

Divorce is doable if made in a healthy manner.
You can not protect them from suffering, but you can prepare them to face it accordingly.
Everyone will suffer at some point, that's life. Without the bad times there wouldn't be good times, because you couldn't differentiate it and it wouldn't mather as much.

 

[Misfit72]

I'm really sorry to read about your situation - I have my own feelings of making bad decisions and having to live with the consequences, but I don't think your husband should be able to have the upper hand just because he has money and you don't. And nor should he be able to buy your children's affections and loyalty. No amount of of his money can fill the void that your untimely death would leave - whatever love your husband gave your children after you were gone would be the love that fattened but did not feed, which is what I got after my mother died.

 

[albino_elk]

I think divorce would theach Your kids that a marriege is not always a good thing. Being a free spirit isn't a bad thing at all. Jesus woman, why suffer for that scum bag,just fucking leave him :v .. its harder to hold life when You are alone but if Your husband is abuser...

 

[Symbiote]

If you're a woman, then divorce is viable since the courts will side with you especially here in the states. If you're a dude going through a divorce, it's about akin to suicide since courts will side with a woman no matter how evil she is.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

Yeah - I don't want to ruin my husband. I actually don't want anything from him, hence I will leave with nothing.
Or I kill myself which leaves him with everything and the children. Maybe that is the fairest outcome.

 

[Deformationalplagio]

I never cared about my parents splitting up i dont see how this can affect children that badly. Not a reason to kill yourself at all honestly

 

[Lmd]

Divorce is not a problem. The problem came when parents are a**holes and forgot they have children. Of course your death is the worst because they will lose someone important who can't never come to their lifes again.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I never cared about my parents splitting up i dont see how this can affect children that badly. Not a reason to kill yourself at all honestly

I wanted my parents to get a divorce!

 

[ClockChelsea]

Experience with both. Divorce is a piece of cake for kids compared to death of a parent IMO having lived with both.