kovu
unendlichkeit
- Nov 15, 2021
- 82
I just fail to see the point. It feels like it's constantly going up and down - I'll feel good for a while, pick up my hobbies again, work out, try to eat more healthy, and not think about suicide nonstop. I'll even feel silly, why throw it all away, right? Like it doesn't even make sense. And then it goes down, I let the gym slide, eat whatever, have no interest in anything at all, harm myself and laugh at myself, how could I ever think that it wouldn't end in suicide sooner or later?
In the end, I'm kind of stuck. I don't get anything done, even in the up-phases I just know that it won't last. So why prolong it?
It doesn't even matter, does it? If I decide to keep writing as an example, my life will go a certain way and if I decide to go with something else, the me that chose to writing won't exist. Now why let any one of those countless versions of me exist? Only one out of billions of versions of me can exist and it wouldn't if I'd ever chosen something different, so what does that single version matter? It wouldn't even exists if it hadn't been for past choices. I wouldn't be the me I am right now if I'd decided to play Apex instead of FFXIV earlier. I wouldn't have met someone in FFXIV with whom I haven't talked in a quite a while. I wouldn't be up right now, writing this nonsensical post. I would be sleeping after some lost matches, being a different version. I don't know if what I'm trying to say is understandable. But that other version, it doesn't have any worth, and neither does the one I am right now.
I mean, I suppose you have to make it matter, to give it worth. But I just can't, I haven't been able to do that for years now and I'm just 18. I don't see this getting any better. My whole life's been a huge disappointment and my death will follow that theme. I'm sorry if you wasted your time reading this.
Good night.
In the end, I'm kind of stuck. I don't get anything done, even in the up-phases I just know that it won't last. So why prolong it?
It doesn't even matter, does it? If I decide to keep writing as an example, my life will go a certain way and if I decide to go with something else, the me that chose to writing won't exist. Now why let any one of those countless versions of me exist? Only one out of billions of versions of me can exist and it wouldn't if I'd ever chosen something different, so what does that single version matter? It wouldn't even exists if it hadn't been for past choices. I wouldn't be the me I am right now if I'd decided to play Apex instead of FFXIV earlier. I wouldn't have met someone in FFXIV with whom I haven't talked in a quite a while. I wouldn't be up right now, writing this nonsensical post. I would be sleeping after some lost matches, being a different version. I don't know if what I'm trying to say is understandable. But that other version, it doesn't have any worth, and neither does the one I am right now.
I mean, I suppose you have to make it matter, to give it worth. But I just can't, I haven't been able to do that for years now and I'm just 18. I don't see this getting any better. My whole life's been a huge disappointment and my death will follow that theme. I'm sorry if you wasted your time reading this.
Good night.