Venting What's the angriest you've been? (rage fuel)

[TAW122]

I have been really furious and angry most of my life. Here is one of the times where I'm just fuming with sheer rage and my rage level is over 9000 (excuse the meme lol). This was a while back like over a year ago, but below are examples of what I'm referring to, the treatment of suicidal people.

These are perfect examples of rage fuel here, this thread in the past, and another one here.

In those threads, basically what happened is someone went to get help, but got fucked by the system. Those mental health professionals and authorities not only violated their rights without due process, kidnapped them and sent them to the hospital. Then the hospital charged those people for the treatment that he/she never wanted to begin with, and after that, the person loses his/her rights, is stuck with a major hospital bill, has a record that would affect their civil rights as well as future opportunities or employment of any kind. Oh and of course, legal action is generally a joke (see the comments on those threads including the one in New Mexico), and even some people suggest going back to the same system that has caused the problems in the first place.

Example Scenario:
Bob has a breakdown and decides to seek help via mental health professional. He is really open and tells the whole truth to the mental health professional. The mental health professional freaks and decides to hospitalize Bob if Bob didn't go (essentially he didn't have a choice because law enforcement would have kidnapped him against his will). Assuming Bob resisted and pleaded or went, he was taken into custody by law enforcement and sent to a hospital to be evaluated. He is found to be suicidal and is then sent to the psych ward for some time (be it a week or few). Next, after he is discharged, he has significant hospital bills as a result of his involuntary/voluntary commitment, and due to missing out work and being detained against his will, he loses his job, couldn't afford to pay the bills, and is also facing eviction (unable to pay rent or even paying rent late, missed payments, etc.).

Next, the people who caused Bob's life to be turned upside down gets praised by society, then society expects Bob to be thankful that he is alive, and expects Bob to pay for the treatment that he never agreed to. The people who know about Bob's situation shun him, distance themselves from Bob, and of course, with an hospitalization on Bob's medical record, his prospective career opportunities or even future endeavors are negatively impacted in addition to his civil rights. While he doesn't have a criminal record, his civil rights are infringed and he is disenfranchised (loss of 2A rights, and other rights). Bob's life just went from bad to super hell, just because he opened up to seek help. Bob decides to try to end his life as things have gotten worse for him, but is trapped in a vicious cycle of mental hospitalizations in and out, unable or extremely difficult to climb out of the mess. His entire life is fucked, careerwise, financially, civil freedoms, social life, and overall life just sucks even worse.

Does anyone really get angry just reading the amount of bullshit there is? Now I'm not advocating for violence here, but I believe there is justified anger in not only the way suicidal people are treated and handled by society, government, but also society as a whole sanctions this kind of barbaric treatment. Oh and don't forget the snide and cruel platitudes parroted around like it's some words of wisdom and what not. Sometimes, a part of me is just happy whenever a pro-lifer suffers, in other words their just desserts.

Edit: Added an scenario just to illustrate how fucked up the situation is.

 

[gingerplum]

Happened to me. Cost me my career. Pretty tough lesson to learn.

The worst mistake I ever, ever made was asking for help.

 

[Help_Me]

Hatred was the strongest feeling i ever felt. Love is just garbage compared to true hatred. However it was so destructive. I experienced one of the most terrible quarrels 1 years ago and i was so angry. I just can't describe it.

 

[TAW122]

Hatred was the strongest feeling i ever felt. Love is just garbage compared to true hatred. However it was so destructive. I experienced one of the most terrible quarrels 1 years ago and i was so angry. I just can't describe it.

I have a lot of resentment and hatred and yes, it did keep me alive and motivate me to keep fighting, but like you said, there is a drawback. It is very draining and destructive for me, but if I had other feelings, I might have capitulated and not been able to power through the shit life. As of now, since I have a method readily available at any moment's notice, it's very reassuring and for the most part, I'm at peace (until my escape is threatened).

 

[RememberWhatUCameFor]

unfortunately anger + depression is only selfharming


as least in my experience...you dont go outside and beat up someone on the street


instead you destroy your furniture or your social life

 

[Kyrok]

Oh, I have had many outbursts over the years. The most recent...

In a meeting with the governor of my state earlier this year, I told him he was a fucking idiot, bluntly explained why he was wrong, and as I walked out, I pulled the meeting room door off its hinges.

On the one hand, it almost got me fired, but on the other hand, I gained some powerful allies (and enemies).

 

[TAW122]

unfortunately anger + depression is only selfharming


as least in my experience...you dont go outside and beat up someone on the street


instead you destroy your furniture or your social life

I've mainly just isolated myself socially, and when I was younger, yes I destroyed some furniture of my own. I can't afford to get a criminal record which would affect my future prospects of making a living, let alone my means to ctb (firearm).

Oh, I have had many outbursts over the years. The most recent...

In a meeting with the governor of my state earlier this year, I told him he was a fucking idiot, bluntly explained why he was wrong, and as I walked out, I pulled the meeting room door off its hinges.

On the one hand, it almost got me fired, but on the other hand, I gained some powerful allies (and enemies).

Wow that's really audacious and bold to do that. I've always wanted to do this while I was a student in university, but given that I'm an underdog, it would have hurt me more than ever, plus I was in a position where I depended on others to get by back in the days.

 

[Kyrok]

Actually, it was really stupid of me.

I think about it every day, running through my head how I could have been more tactful, and what I could have done with the opportunities -- and respect -- I forfeited that day.

It is one of the reasons why I want to ctb.

 

[Help_Me]

I wanted to add, that it takes me a lot of strength to keep myself together and control my actions. It becomes harder and harder every year. Shame on me, but I also had an experience of breaking certain things like parts of furniture and of my old laptop. Do we actually have some sort of fast-working medication against rage to prevent such cases ?

 

[MsM3talGamer]

1. When I got incurably ill because my fuckhead doctors made lots of mistakes with my treatments. All this hell I'm living now was 100% avoidable.

2. When my narcissistic mother and sister blamed me for getting incurably ill.

3. When I was ostracised while going thru subsequent "treatments".

 

[Miss clefable]

Does self hatred count I literally hurt myself to the point I can't anymore like punching myself and hitting bottles over my head stabbing myself and cutting

 

[Armadillo]

Rage is one of the most powerful human emotions and can be the driving force that leads to the change of one's personal life and/or even social norms.

But what is really important is it's relation with other characteristics. Rage and lack of self control is almost always negative for the person who experiences it.
It can range from situations like the one of a kid that breaks his console because he can't beat the last boss of a videogame or someone who can even get in legal trouble for his actions (sometimes without accomplishing anything).

But as I said it can also lead to great results.
Someone perceives something as unfair/unjust in society, gets angry about it, realises that he/she can do someting about it, and does so in a productive way. These are the basis of great social/political changes, from the French Revolution to the Civil Rights Movement.
And accomplishing an anger-driven goal is often extremely rewarding.
I remember when I was in elementary school and this kid was constanly bullying me, one day I decided to do something and beat the fuck out of him. That felt sooo god I still remember it.

Lately unfortunately I feel powerless and can't act in an anger-driven way (well I could but it wouldn't be worth it) and this leads to a sense of frustration and impotence wich is extremely unhealthy psychologically speaking (repressed anger really is a bad thing).

I'm not ashamed to say it, but had I owned a firearm mine wouldn't be the only life I'd take. I'd go out but I'd take the trash with me.

 

[Misanthrope]

I can't comment on American psychiatric care. I am often simply left disturbed reading about how often the mentally ill get shot when in contact with police. I don't understand an insurance system that denies people treatments that have proven efficacy for that person. It just seems batshit insane and cruel to me. Here in the UK at least you don't get charged for psychiatric care whether wanted or not. The problem is getting any substantial care in the first place.

Having worked extensively alongside the mental health act here I can sadly say witnessing people being hurt by the very things that are designed to help is rage inducing. However, I have also seen it lead to recovery, breaks in psychosis, or result in people being removed from abusive situations that landed them in the psych unit in the first place. So it is not logical to assume it is all bad. It is a vast system comprised of the countless variability of policies and people within it. So experiences are going to vary.

It though is a flawed system in what it offers, seeming to favour intervening when the person is past broken. Instead of providing preventative supports outside of a hospital environment in the first place. It operates more like triage these days; than any kind of comprehensive help. It is so chronically underfunded most wards are operating at the dangerous nurse to patient ratios. Mostly offering meds and daytime tv and a heavy dose of boredom. While demoralised nurses stay clustered in the office typing things up on care base in triplicate, barely interacting with patients because there is no time and absurd targets to meet that involve more paperwork. What useful groups that did exist have been pruned back. Replaced with care in the community on discharge. Which is frankly three bullshit words put together to justify abandoning people by making out it is in the interests of promoting independence. In reality, it is just a cost saving exercise that frees up hospital land and gets rid of liability and any sort of responsibility. Brought about by the watering down of the social care act and eroding duty of care.

The UK has some pretty outdated draconian laws with somewhat of a hard fight to get them reviewed and modernised.

It was pretty common to have suicidal clients who desperately wanted help. However, there is a warped catch 22 at work. That if you are asking for help you are actually viewed as at lower risk. So less likely to get that help. After being dismissed so long those same people unsurprisingly give up. Up the ante or make attempts on their lives and if they survive, now get the help they no longer want and are rightly hostile and combative towards. This scenario played out so often it was honestly depressing. We even had a morbid name for it born out of gallows humour.

Just as an aside if you have ever wondered why a service will ask you to sign a contract of safety. It really is just a way for that service to disentangle itself from any blowback if the client does go on to kill themselves. It has no proven value in preventing suicide. If a client would not sign, it would trigger a red flag with the assumption they are in immediate danger and I was obligated by internal policy to trigger the mental health act at that point. I have no doubt I have former clients who hate me for that. Call it selfish if you like, but I would rather not be fired and vilified in the Daily Mail. Or deal with grieving parents sending me death threats. In contrast, though I also had clients show up with a box of chocolates and thank me months later for it. So I am pretty divided on the issue. That leaves me simply wishing the quality of care was better in the first place. With a preventative model that is person-centred in the first place. Instead of being risk assessments and rigid bureaucracy that waits till the person is broken enough to meet the criteria.

More infuriating was attempting to get any client with the Borderline diagnosis any help whatsoever. The discrimination and off the cuff remarks towards them were just awful to witness. I can't even imagine how my clients felt. I am not just talking inpatient care but access to external services. That would often deny my clients due to their history of self-harm. Absolutely ridiculous reasoning, they have anxiety to you know... There was at one time a service solely centred around personality disorders that was very much appreciated by sufferers. However, the funding was cut and it closed down. A pattern that is repeating across all services. Leaving a wasteland of nothing useful behind.

What follows though are my two most anger-inducing events I still ruminate on with levels of hatred that if bottled could be sold as weapons of mass destruction.


Emily

I had a client I will call Emily and will be keeping things vague enough. Although to be honest I think Emily would want her story told! Despite her issues, she had a wicked sense of humour and some amazing artistic talent. But also the misfortune of the Borderline diagnosis. She was feeling pretty dismissed and ignored and was not getting the help she needed. So I advocated on her behalf got the ball rolling on various things that existed at the time and she seemed to enjoy access to. Did not hear from her for a good chunk of time until she voluntarily admitted herself to hospital after her cat died. She was grappling with the loss and the intensity of feelings it was provoking aware of her own ideation and impulsivity. Seemed wise she was there to me.

Dr Scum. As I will call her, as it is thoroughly appropriate and is actually probably an insult to pond scum. Had other ideas and told Emily how much she was costing the NHS. She was then promptly discharged with little follow-up care. Unsurprisingly she was devastated and crying in my office over the incident. I could only really attempt to console her and respond practically and get her a different psychiatrist. Dr Scum though hampered those efforts making it take far longer than it should have. I had to escalate things and demonstrate the breakdown of rapport. I suspect Dr Scum did not like this.

In the meantime, Emily was in crisis relying on the crisis team. Who were also pretty dismissive and gave such useful advice as having a bath and consistently refused to see her or even ring her back even though they said they would. A common experience my other clients would share with me. This all fed into a sense of being rejected and just made Emily feel more worthless. I tried to mitigate that feeling by talking about her art or interest in volunteering at an animal shelter. Ultimately though she deteriorated and became increasingly desperate for help. Even attending A&E only to be given a prescription and sent home. In the end, she engaged in an act of self-harm so severe she did damage to her hand. As an artist, this was a major blow for her any semblance of her former wit died that day.

I can only assume Emily wound up on a secret blacklist that psychiatric services pretend don't exist but do. It did not matter that she painted her windows magnolia or for some reason was keeping mugs of her own congealed blood. I encountered a stonewall of such assholery it beggars belief. Things escalated as Emily followed Dr Scum home and then started posting handwritten letters to her and how she had been made to feel. This resulted in legal proceedings being brought against Emily. Frightened by what was mounting against her she started overdosing repeatedly. Suffered extensive damage and suffered a lot as a result, but kept trying and eventually died in a manner that must have been horrific.

If you are wondering if there were any consequences for Dr Scum or the hospital in question. No, she is still a psychiatrist in that particular hospital. The hospital closed ranks. Life sure ain't Disney and so I am left enraged at the injustice of it all.

Next

Sir Shower of Shit.

Is someone I will refer to as Sir Shower of shit. Although that is an insult to shit, you can at least grow things out of shit, so it serves a more useful purpose than this piece of human filth I will rail against next.

Sir Shower of Shit was warned that his policies of placing minors in mixed adult psychiatric hospitals were a recipe for disaster. To anyone with a brain you can see why that is! It wasn't just our organisation that condemned this activity many others did as well with the same dire predictions. I had the pleasure of talking to Sir Shower of Shit. I wish I could have gone back in time and stuck recording devices up my bum so as to capture the drivel that came out of his mouth. His reasoning as to why was purely economical. Somewhere in that lizard brain, he realised it was cheaper than investing in more children's psychiatric services. Instead, he was hell-bent on closing more. Inevitably a minor stranded halfway across the country was raped on an adult psychiatric ward. Did that result in a change in the practice… no. Were there any consequences for Sir Shower of Shit? None whatsoever. He is still active in that role.

These are two of my most angry moments, but in truth, I find myself chronically angry and wonder why more people aren't.

It is enough to make me wish I could abduct Dr Scum and Sir Shower of Shit and sell them into sex slavery. Then buy back Dr scum, release her back into the world a broken hollowed-out thing and have her ignored to death also. As for Sir Shower of shit, I would happily point out that sex traffickers also buy bread and petrol so they are good for the economy. What is good for the economy is good for everyone.

I am so full of hatred I don't know what to do with it some days.

 

[TAW122]

@Miss clefable Sure, I suppose that can count as well. The difference is just that it's 'internal' anger versus 'external'.

@Armadillo Yes, anger and rage when used productively can be a catalyst for change for the better. If someone is angry enough and channels it in the right direction for their cause (assuming it's a legitimate one), then they could spark a seed of change, or if not, actual change.

@Misanthrope That's really, really fucked up. I'm appalled that those medical professionals are still working and that there hasn't been legal action taken against them! They should at least lose their licenses and suffer some civil penalties for the mistreatment, lies, and what not.

 

[azucaramargo]

I have been really furious and angry most of my life. Here is one of the times where I'm just fuming with sheer rage and my rage level is over 9000 (excuse the meme lol). This was a while back like over a year ago, but below are examples of what I'm referring to, the treatment of suicidal people.

These are perfect examples of rage fuel here, this thread in the past, and another one here.

In those threads, basically what happened is someone went to get help, but got fucked by the system. Those mental health professionals and authorities not only violated their rights without due process, kidnapped them and sent them to the hospital. Then the hospital charged those people for the treatment that he/she never wanted to begin with, and after that, the person loses his/her rights, is stuck with a major hospital bill, has a record that would affect their civil rights as well as future opportunities or employment of any kind. Oh and of course, legal action is generally a joke (see the comments on those threads including the one in New Mexico), and even some people suggest going back to the same system that has caused the problems in the first place.

Example Scenario:
Bob has a breakdown and decides to seek help via mental health professional. He is really open and tells the whole truth to the mental health professional. The mental health professional freaks and decides to hospitalize Bob if Bob didn't go (essentially he didn't have a choice because law enforcement would have kidnapped him against his will). Assuming Bob resisted and pleaded or went, he was taken into custody by law enforcement and sent to a hospital to be evaluated. He is found to be suicidal and is then sent to the psych ward for some time (be it a week or few). Next, after he is discharged, he has significant hospital bills as a result of his involuntary/voluntary commitment, and due to missing out work and being detained against his will, he loses his job, couldn't afford to pay the bills, and is also facing eviction (unable to pay rent or even paying rent late, missed payments, etc.).

Next, the people who caused Bob's life to be turned upside down gets praised by society, then society expects Bob to be thankful that he is alive, and expects Bob to pay for the treatment that he never agreed to. The people who know about Bob's situation shun him, distance themselves from Bob, and of course, with an hospitalization on Bob's medical record, his prospective career opportunities or even future endeavors are negatively impacted in addition to his civil rights. While he doesn't have a criminal record, his civil rights are infringed and he is disenfranchised (loss of 2A rights, and other rights). Bob's life just went from bad to super hell, just because he opened up to seek help. Bob decides to try to end his life as things have gotten worse for him, but is trapped in a vicious cycle of mental hospitalizations in and out, unable or extremely difficult to climb out of the mess. His entire life is fucked, careerwise, financially, civil freedoms, social life, and overall life just sucks even worse.

Does anyone really get angry just reading the amount of bullshit there is? Now I'm not advocating for violence here, but I believe there is justified anger in not only the way suicidal people are treated and handled by society, government, but also society as a whole sanctions this kind of barbaric treatment. Oh and don't forget the snide and cruel platitudes parroted around like it's some words of wisdom and what not. Sometimes, a part of me is just happy whenever a pro-lifer suffers, in other words their just desserts.

Edit: Added an scenario just to illustrate how fucked up the situation is.

I have been really furious and angry most of my life. Here is one of the times where I'm just fuming with sheer rage and my rage level is over 9000 (excuse the meme lol). This was a while back like over a year ago, but below are examples of what I'm referring to, the treatment of suicidal people.

These are perfect examples of rage fuel here, this thread in the past, and another one here.

In those threads, basically what happened is someone went to get help, but got fucked by the system. Those mental health professionals and authorities not only violated their rights without due process, kidnapped them and sent them to the hospital. Then the hospital charged those people for the treatment that he/she never wanted to begin with, and after that, the person loses his/her rights, is stuck with a major hospital bill, has a record that would affect their civil rights as well as future opportunities or employment of any kind. Oh and of course, legal action is generally a joke (see the comments on those threads including the one in New Mexico), and even some people suggest going back to the same system that has caused the problems in the first place.

Example Scenario:
Bob has a breakdown and decides to seek help via mental health professional. He is really open and tells the whole truth to the mental health professional. The mental health professional freaks and decides to hospitalize Bob if Bob didn't go (essentially he didn't have a choice because law enforcement would have kidnapped him against his will). Assuming Bob resisted and pleaded or went, he was taken into custody by law enforcement and sent to a hospital to be evaluated. He is found to be suicidal and is then sent to the psych ward for some time (be it a week or few). Next, after he is discharged, he has significant hospital bills as a result of his involuntary/voluntary commitment, and due to missing out work and being detained against his will, he loses his job, couldn't afford to pay the bills, and is also facing eviction (unable to pay rent or even paying rent late, missed payments, etc.).

Next, the people who caused Bob's life to be turned upside down gets praised by society, then society expects Bob to be thankful that he is alive, and expects Bob to pay for the treatment that he never agreed to. The people who know about Bob's situation shun him, distance themselves from Bob, and of course, with an hospitalization on Bob's medical record, his prospective career opportunities or even future endeavors are negatively impacted in addition to his civil rights. While he doesn't have a criminal record, his civil rights are infringed and he is disenfranchised (loss of 2A rights, and other rights). Bob's life just went from bad to super hell, just because he opened up to seek help. Bob decides to try to end his life as things have gotten worse for him, but is trapped in a vicious cycle of mental hospitalizations in and out, unable or extremely difficult to climb out of the mess. His entire life is fucked, careerwise, financially, civil freedoms, social life, and overall life just sucks even worse.

Does anyone really get angry just reading the amount of bullshit there is? Now I'm not advocating for violence here, but I believe there is justified anger in not only the way suicidal people are treated and handled by society, government, but also society as a whole sanctions this kind of barbaric treatment. Oh and don't forget the snide and cruel platitudes parroted around like it's some words of wisdom and what not. Sometimes, a part of me is just happy whenever a pro-lifer suffers, in other words their just desserts.

Edit: Added an scenario just to illustrate how fucked up the situation is.

I kind of admire that something not related to you is the thing that gets you angry. I am usually so wrapped up in my own stuff...the angriest I've ever been is when people wrong me. When my sister had just moved to a new city, I introduced her to a guy i liked. (Because he was visiting that city). Anyway, they started IM'ing each other and talking crap about me. (I got into my sister's e-mail 'cuz I knew her password). I don't think I've ever been so angry. Sorry, it's really petty compared to what you described.

 

[Misanthrope]

@Miss clefable Sure, I suppose that can count as well. The difference is just that it's 'internal' anger versus 'external'.

@Armadillo Yes, anger and rage when used productively can be a catalyst for change for the better. If someone is angry enough and channels it in the right direction for their cause (assuming it's a legitimate one), then they could spark a seed of change, or if not, actual change.

@Misanthrope That's really, really fucked up. I'm appalled that those medical professionals are still working and that there hasn't been legal action taken against them! They should at least lose their licenses and suffer some civil penalties for the mistreatment, lies, and what not.

Just like the police have the blue wall and collude to avoid embarrassment to their station. Psychiatric services behave in a similar manner. To demonstrate a wrongdoing and punish it you have to be able to prove it. Patient testimony is the lowest form of evidence. It why they often get overlooked in crimes even though they are at a statically higher likelihood of being on the receiving end of a crime or abuse.

Then you have the hospitals in question conveniently 'losing notes' or 'amending' reports to suit their preferred narrative. Ultimately there is no justice just a pretense of it, if you can even afford it in the first place. It is a sick sad world we live in.

 

[BjartNO]

As most people do, I will from time to time experience a short burst of anger. Somewhat rarely though, I don't think i'm a angry person, i'm more of a *sigh*-kind of person

 

[sufferingalways]

I can't comment on American psychiatric care. I am often simply left disturbed reading about how often the mentally ill get shot when in contact with police. I don't understand an insurance system that denies people treatments that have proven efficacy for that person. It just seems batshit insane and cruel to me. Here in the UK at least you don't get charged for psychiatric care whether wanted or not. The problem is getting any substantial care in the first place.

Having worked extensively alongside the mental health act here I can sadly say witnessing people being hurt by the very things that are designed to help is rage inducing. However, I have also seen it lead to recovery, breaks in psychosis, or result in people being removed from abusive situations that landed them in the psych unit in the first place. So it is not logical to assume it is all bad. It is a vast system comprised of the countless variability of policies and people within it. So experiences are going to vary.

It though is a flawed system in what it offers, seeming to favour intervening when the person is past broken. Instead of providing preventative supports outside of a hospital environment in the first place. It operates more like triage these days; than any kind of comprehensive help. It is so chronically underfunded most wards are operating at the dangerous nurse to patient ratios. Mostly offering meds and daytime tv and a heavy dose of boredom. While demoralised nurses stay clustered in the office typing things up on care base in triplicate, barely interacting with patients because there is no time and absurd targets to meet that involve more paperwork. What useful groups that did exist have been pruned back. Replaced with care in the community on discharge. Which is frankly three bullshit words put together to justify abandoning people by making out it is in the interests of promoting independence. In reality, it is just a cost saving exercise that frees up hospital land and gets rid of liability and any sort of responsibility. Brought about by the watering down of the social care act and eroding duty of care.

The UK has some pretty outdated draconian laws with somewhat of a hard fight to get them reviewed and modernised.

It was pretty common to have suicidal clients who desperately wanted help. However, there is a warped catch 22 at work. That if you are asking for help you are actually viewed as at lower risk. So less likely to get that help. After being dismissed so long those same people unsurprisingly give up. Up the ante or make attempts on their lives and if they survive, now get the help they no longer want and are rightly hostile and combative towards. This scenario played out so often it was honestly depressing. We even had a morbid name for it born out of gallows humour.

Just as an aside if you have ever wondered why a service will ask you to sign a contract of safety. It really is just a way for that service to disentangle itself from any blowback if the client does go on to kill themselves. It has no proven value in preventing suicide. If a client would not sign, it would trigger a red flag with the assumption they are in immediate danger and I was obligated by internal policy to trigger the mental health act at that point. I have no doubt I have former clients who hate me for that. Call it selfish if you like, but I would rather not be fired and vilified in the Daily Mail. Or deal with grieving parents sending me death threats. In contrast, though I also had clients show up with a box of chocolates and thank me months later for it. So I am pretty divided on the issue. That leaves me simply wishing the quality of care was better in the first place. With a preventative model that is person-centred in the first place. Instead of being risk assessments and rigid bureaucracy that waits till the person is broken enough to meet the criteria.

More infuriating was attempting to get any client with the Borderline diagnosis any help whatsoever. The discrimination and off the cuff remarks towards them were just awful to witness. I can't even imagine how my clients felt. I am not just talking inpatient care but access to external services. That would often deny my clients due to their history of self-harm. Absolutely ridiculous reasoning, they have anxiety to you know... There was at one time a service solely centred around personality disorders that was very much appreciated by sufferers. However, the funding was cut and it closed down. A pattern that is repeating across all services. Leaving a wasteland of nothing useful behind.

What follows though are my two most anger-inducing events I still ruminate on with levels of hatred that if bottled could be sold as weapons of mass destruction.


Emily

I had a client I will call Emily and will be keeping things vague enough. Although to be honest I think Emily would want her story told! Despite her issues, she had a wicked sense of humour and some amazing artistic talent. But also the misfortune of the Borderline diagnosis. She was feeling pretty dismissed and ignored and was not getting the help she needed. So I advocated on her behalf got the ball rolling on various things that existed at the time and she seemed to enjoy access to. Did not hear from her for a good chunk of time until she voluntarily admitted herself to hospital after her cat died. She was grappling with the loss and the intensity of feelings it was provoking aware of her own ideation and impulsivity. Seemed wise she was there to me.

Dr Scum. As I will call her, as it is thoroughly appropriate and is actually probably an insult to pond scum. Had other ideas and told Emily how much she was costing the NHS. She was then promptly discharged with little follow-up care. Unsurprisingly she was devastated and crying in my office over the incident. I could only really attempt to console her and respond practically and get her a different psychiatrist. Dr Scum though hampered those efforts making it take far longer than it should have. I had to escalate things and demonstrate the breakdown of rapport. I suspect Dr Scum did not like this.

In the meantime, Emily was in crisis relying on the crisis team. Who were also pretty dismissive and gave such useful advice as having a bath and consistently refused to see her or even ring her back even though they said they would. A common experience my other clients would share with me. This all fed into a sense of being rejected and just made Emily feel more worthless. I tried to mitigate that feeling by talking about her art or interest in volunteering at an animal shelter. Ultimately though she deteriorated and became increasingly desperate for help. Even attending A&E only to be given a prescription and sent home. In the end, she engaged in an act of self-harm so severe she did damage to her hand. As an artist, this was a major blow for her any semblance of her former wit died that day.

I can only assume Emily wound up on a secret blacklist that psychiatric services pretend don't exist but do. It did not matter that she painted her windows magnolia or for some reason was keeping mugs of her own congealed blood. I encountered a stonewall of such assholery it beggars belief. Things escalated as Emily followed Dr Scum home and then started posting handwritten letters to her and how she had been made to feel. This resulted in legal proceedings being brought against Emily. Frightened by what was mounting against her she started overdosing repeatedly. Suffered extensive damage and suffered a lot as a result, but kept trying and eventually died in a manner that must have been horrific.

If you are wondering if there were any consequences for Dr Scum or the hospital in question. No, she is still a psychiatrist in that particular hospital. The hospital closed ranks. Life sure ain't Disney and so I am left enraged at the injustice of it all.

Next

Sir Shower of Shit.

Is someone I will refer to as Sir Shower of shit. Although that is an insult to shit, you can at least grow things out of shit, so it serves a more useful purpose than this piece of human filth I will rail against next.

Sir Shower of Shit was warned that his policies of placing minors in mixed adult psychiatric hospitals were a recipe for disaster. To anyone with a brain you can see why that is! It wasn't just our organisation that condemned this activity many others did as well with the same dire predictions. I had the pleasure of talking to Sir Shower of Shit. I wish I could have gone back in time and stuck recording devices up my bum so as to capture the drivel that came out of his mouth. His reasoning as to why was purely economical. Somewhere in that lizard brain, he realised it was cheaper than investing in more children's psychiatric services. Instead, he was hell-bent on closing more. Inevitably a minor stranded halfway across the country was raped on an adult psychiatric ward. Did that result in a change in the practice… no. Were there any consequences for Sir Shower of Shit? None whatsoever. He is still active in that role.

These are two of my most angry moments, but in truth, I find myself chronically angry and wonder why more people aren't.

It is enough to make me wish I could abduct Dr Scum and Sir Shower of Shit and sell them into sex slavery. Then buy back Dr scum, release her back into the world a broken hollowed-out thing and have her ignored to death also. As for Sir Shower of shit, I would happily point out that sex traffickers also buy bread and petrol so they are good for the economy. What is good for the economy is good for everyone.

I am so full of hatred I don't know what to do with it some days.

Jesuzz christ. I've been through that system. Not sure if I was lucky that I dodged XYZ in the family house for that time, or that I had someone to talk to if I pushed it.
Care wise or services - relating to health - wise, I always push it if I need something I'm not getting. I'm shaken to the core by your post, but thank you for sharing.

 

[Pryras]

I get really angry when someone won't allow me to talk or is trying to speak over and silence me. Shut the fuck up and let me say what I have to say.

I remember a cop followed me home once and told me I ran a red light. He didn't even give me a second to speak and hushed me despite giving him my full cooperation.

 

[Mr2005]

Pretty fucking angry right now

 

[BitterlyAlive]

It had been a really rough few days. I was on a med that made me super impulsive and apathetic. I...um, had an aborted attempt a day or two before this. So that was fresh on my mind. Yet I still couldn't stop the intrusive suicidal thoughts. The thoughts were of incredibly impulsive methods that I wouldn't consider if I was in my "right" mind. I finally had enough when I was about to go to the store to buy random meds to OD on.

I chose to drive to a psychiatric urgent care instead. I needed to get my meds changed ASAP. I wasn't having such ridiculous thoughts until I was a week or so into this med regime. Lord, it was embarrassing having to explain the types of thoughts I was having. But I was too distressed by the intrusive nature. I wanted the thoughts gone.

Now, I hadn't told my parents about any of this. I simply seemed agitated and told them I was going for a drive. Nothing too unusual for me. Unfortunately, I was still agitated when I got home. I had recently realised that my childhood was kinda shit and that I was traumatized, so I was on edge around my parents anyway. But when you add in a week like I had...

My dad began to do something to me that made me rather uncomfortable. I asked him to stop and he kept doing it. I tried to be firm (wasn't taught proper firmness as anything negative was backtalking and I got a lashing). It came across as bitchy, apparently, because my dad immediately started got mad at me. I tried to ignore the tension and the rage that came across his face. I left something out on the counter for a few moments and hadn't put it back in the fridge. He made a very rude comment, with a swear word or two sprinkled in as a sentence enhancer. I told him he didn't need to talk to me like that - I was really scared, but I was just so fed up because of my rough week. Big mistake on my part. He started screaming and swearing at me.

My mom comes in and yells at him. Says some nasty things about him dying. I was a bit surprised because she was taking my side instead of hounding in on me too.

Of course, it didn't stay that way.

My mom turned on me as soon as my dad walked away and said "you need to treat us with more respect". Wtf. I was furious at that point. All I had done was try to stand up for myself! I gave a "hmm" in reply. She kept going on and on, talking about how I should move out if I'm going to be so disrespectful. I tried to keep a calm face. She asked me if I even cared and I said "Not right now, no." She told me to go downstairs to my room because she didn't want to see me. I said "Okay, that's what I was doing anyway. Bye."

See, when a parent says that to their kid, you'd think they would...ya know...ignore the kid for a few days or something. Nope.

A few minutes later, she literally barged into my room without knocking (thank God I wasn't cutting or something, yikes). She started lecturing me on my attitude. What. The. Fuck.

My parents love to go on about respect and treating me like an adult, and yet this shit continues to happen.

I really wish I could properly finish this tirade, but I can't remember what else happened. That moment was when I decided I couldn't be around my parents. I mean, the only sort of plan I had at that point was to get started on meds again and try to find a trauma therapist. I sure as hell wasn't going to do that in such a harsh environment. So I moved in with a few roommates.

I still get really angry thinking about it. And, surprise! I can actually express my anger here (well with my roommates but on this website as well) without getting lectured or hit. I can be angry and it's safe. Holy hell.

I don't know if that was my angriest moment. I don't remember much of my life at all right now. Supposedly it's dissociation and a fractured identity. Ugh. But this is the angriest moment I can remember.