Venting What's keeping you?

[Felodese]

I'm feeling very ambivalent. Right now I don't feel like I'm in the right headspace to be able go through with CTB, but it's still constantly on my mind. I have everything ready, all I need is a time and place.

There are a couple of things/ obligations coming up thst I feel like I have do before I go: a trip I've promised to go on (that I'm not really looking forward to) and my best friend's wedding. After that I'm technically good to go.

But I still feel like I can't make up my mind.

I'm in proper therapy for the first time. It's something I've been trying to get for over 20 years. Not sure it's acctually helping in anyway, but it can be nice to have someone to talk to, so some sessions are ok. Others leave me feeling mentally bruised and broken.
My shrink's a nice guy. Not too sure he knows what he's doing in my case, though, cause he seems to be winging it quite a bit at times.
I'm trying out meds that either have no effect or fuck me up in different ways.

Not sure if I'm trying to prove to myself and the world that I really have tried, before I go through with CTB, or if I'm just stalling cause I can't make up my mind. Cause I don't really feel like getting "better", even if it were possible.

There's that threshold to get over in order to be able to CTB and I feel like I have to get worse again, in order to get over it.
I'm legit scared that I'll stay indecisive forever - just holding on to my miserable life because I can't quite let go, even though the pain is the same continuous pain I've always had, and have always wanted to escape.

It would be so much easier if I could just get hit by a truck or get a fatal stroke or something, if the decision was made for me, since I can't manage to make it myself...

 

[greyblue_bian]

You already know this, but ultimately it's up to you what you want to do with your life. But you don't have to prove that you've tried everything before you decide to CTB. It is the fact that you've been trying to go to therapy for so long and that you've endured everything you've been through for this long that proves you've put effort into trying to at least have something change for the better. I can relate to everything you're saying. My first attempt I had everything ready, I just wasn't ready yet and I just waited until I was neutral about it to actually try. I've also got to wait it out for a few birthdays and hopefully I get enough energy and will to go to the places I liked one last time. I also just wish something would happen that would do this for me. The number one reason I'm hesitating is because I have people that (I think) would be hurt by me not being here anymore. My friends and two cousins may be affected by it and it replays in my mind everyday how they might take it if they're affected by it at all. However, they are the only people who would understand why I'm going to do what I plan to. Anyways, know that it is normal to be this indecisive when it comes to such a permanent choice like this one especially since there is so much uncertainty.

We're in the same boat and I don't know how I feel about how open the water is right now.

 

[Roseate]

Part of me wants to live and be young before I go then I can peacefully let go with no regrets. I just feel like I'm missing out. No good memories. I feel like my entire childhood was robbed from me and I just want the little bit of life I've lived to somehow just a bit be worth it, does that sound stupid?

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

Part of me is staying for experiences like music. Part of me is staying because I need to figure out access to materials. The cognitive dissonance between life instinct and death instinct is destroying my life as it is. I don't know how to spend 9-5 doing a job search, doing laundry/groceries/whatever, and then in the evening spend a few hours researching CTB. I wish I had a few friends to do this with.

I am slowly researching and giving things away, but it's depressing me to do all of this. Full of so many regrets and don't know how to find the drive to stay focused and determined when I feel this dark. I don't want my family to have to clean everything up but I don't know if I will have the strength to clean things up.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm only alive because society and parents have made it to where I'd have to go through a lot of hurdles just to die. In all honesty, I don't have the energy nor endurance to go through all of those hurdles. In addition to that, what keeps me alive is thinking about the consequences of a failed suicide attempt. If I fail a suicide attempt, I could end up with permanent injuries and pain. At that point, it'd be better to not attempt in the first place. If I had a peaceful way out of here to which I can easily access, I wouldn't be alive typing this message right now